Subject: Daily Dose - 040110 - TWO BLONDES WITH HAMMERS, BIZARRE NEWS, base hospital, DDL, Rotten News

TWO BLONDES WITH HAMMERS

Becky and Sally Ann were doing some carpenter work on a house.  Becky who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!  Those nails aren't defective!  They're for the other side of the house!."

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Famous Deaths

Attila the Hun, one of the most notorious villains in history, died from a nosebleed on his wedding night.  He gorged himself on food and drink at the banquet for his wedding celebration to a young girl named Ildico.  He suffered a nosebleed sometime during the night, but was too drunk to notice.  He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the following morning.

French national hero Napoleon Bonaparte, successful for conquering most of Europe, was killed by his own wallpaper. Napoleon was imprisoned by the British on the island of St. Helena. Scheele's Green was a coloring pigment used in fabrics and wallpaper at the time. If wallpaper that contained Scheele's Green became damp and moldy, the pigment would undergo a chemical change, and would give off Arsenic gas.  The wallpaper in Napoleon's bedroom contained Scheele's Green and he was poisoned.

Alexander I of the Hellenes, the King of Greece from 1917, died after being bitten by his pet monkey.  While he was walking his dog in the garden, his pooch and his monkey started to fight. In an attempt to separate them, Alexander was bitten on the ankle by the monkey.  Five days later, the wound turned septic and he came down with a fever. He later died from the resulting Cellulitis.

French King and Crusader Henry I died from accidental defenestration.  When Henry was awaiting word from the Pisan army that their ships and soldiers were ready to join him in relieving Jaffa from Al-Adil's Saracen army, he eagerly turned to greet the delegation when they arrived.  When he did, he stepped backwards and lost his balance.  As he fell over, his little dwarf, Scarlet, pulled at his robes.  However, instead of saving the king, the dwarf fell, too, and both men died instantly.

Francis Bacon, one of the most influential minds of the late 16th century as a statesman, philosopher, writer and scientist, died by stuffing snow into a chicken.  He was struck by the notion that possibly snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used.  He bought a chicken from a local village, killed it, and then tried to stuff the chicken full to snow to freeze it.  The chicken didn't freeze...but Bacon did.

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Life Saving Lip Service

BRUSSELS - Former ambulance driver Leo Van Aert was able to use his handy first aid skills to save the life of one of his pond fish by using mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Van Aert was so delighted that his cherished koi would live that he wanted to name it after one of his grandchildren.  He had been enjoying a party at his residence when his wife noticed the fish - a spotted Japanese carp - floating on the surface of the garden pond. The koi was "acting funny," swimming and jumping before coming to a dead halt in the water.

Worried that the fish had a heart attack, Van Aert pulled it out of the pond, giving it heart massages before touching his lips to the fish. "After 15 minutes, the fish started to move again so I put him in the pond...but when he fell over again I again applied mouth-to-mouth and heart massages," Van Aert said. "That's when the fish recovered."

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Finding Love the Write Way

LONDON - Singles in England are paying to sit silently while writing courtship and come-on notes to one another. As many as 35 singles pay $30 each to sit around tables for two hours exchanging notes and drinking wine at $6.25 per glass.

Organizer Guy Holmes, 28, says the Silent Dating gatherings are successful because they tune in to the new-found love of e-mail and text messaging on mobile phones. The guests are mostly career-minded professionals in their 20s and 30s, with jobs in law, medicine and media.

Holmes said women particularly like the concept, but it's hard to get sufficient men to round out the numbers. The Mirror reporter who participated said poor handwriting made deciphering some notes difficult, including one where a woman wasn't certain if the man asked if she liked wild parties or wild panties.

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Horny in More Ways Than One

YORKSHIRE, England - A ram proud of his sexual exploits has found a way to inform British intelligence officials of his routine, the Times of London said Tuesday.

Officials at one of the government intelligence-gathering installations in northern England's Scarborough region admitted analysts had been puzzled for months over high-frequency radio transmission being picked up from a single antenna. More puzzling was the fact it only occurred during daylight hours.

After extensive clandestine observation, the answer was found -- a randy ram who boasted his exploits by grating his horns against the antenna.

Spokesman Bob McNally, said: "It was part of the ritual that the ram went through after it had made a conquest. I believe the ram was notching up a mark on the pylon, so to speak."

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There's Just Something About Her

LONDON - Six British men have filed lawsuits against Sky TV for fooling them into kissing a man that appeared to be a woman.

The contestants hoped to win $17,000 and a week on a yacht with the sultry brunette who starred in the reality
show, "There's Something About Miriam." The young men say they were told to impress "her" by performing macho and romantic acts, such as intimate massages, caressing and cuddling, holding hands and kissing.

But they were horrified to learn after three weeks of filming that Miriam is a man, said to be a planning a sex change. All six contestants walked out and banded together to sue producers and try to stop the show being aired.

Their lawsuit claims defamation, conspiracy to commit sexual assault, breach of contract and personal injury by way of psychological and emotional damage.

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While I was serving as a chief master sergeant at Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, La., my son and namesake was also serving there. His two month old son, whose name was the same as ours, was receiving medical treatments at the base hospital.

I went on sick call one morning, and as the doctor reviewed my file, he looked at me in disbelief. "Are you Curtis E. Chaffin?" he asked. When I answered yes, he told me, "It says here that you turn blue when you cry."

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DDL

At a nudist camp, sweet little Lillian,
Was slated to lead the cotillion.
This made her so proud,
That to shine in the crowd,
She painted her nipples vermillion.

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"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas."
--Ashleigh Brilliant

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"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
--Woody Allen

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"I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder."
--Craig Charles

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Rotten News....  (true)

Russians fume as Mormons 'buy souls'

Nick Paton Walsh in Moscow
Sunday November 23, 2003
The Observer

The Russian Orthodox Church has expressed its outrage at what it claims is a Mormon scheme to buy up the names of dead Russians in order to baptise 'dead souls' in their faith.

In one archive, in the town of Nizhni Novgorod, east of Moscow, the Church of the Latter Day Saints has paid ten US cents for each page of thousands of names of dead people dating mainly from the late eighteenth century to be put on a microfilm.

The idea, the last-ditch attempt of a cash-strapped archive to fund urgent preservation work, has caused fury among the predominantly Orthodox nation. The Mormon Church is angry at what it sees as an obstruction to its religious practices.

Father Igor Pchelintsov, spokesman for the local Orthodox Church, said: 'The teaching of the Mormons about the conversion of the dead contradicts reason and naturally causes concern among the faithful and creates a tense situation.'

The work in the archive has been temporarily called off while a local government commission studies it.

Nikolai Cheromin, a local official, said: 'Their work is not prohibited. It is suspended and a group comprising officials and prosecutors from the four traditional Russian religions - Christian Orthodox, Jews, Buddhists and Muslims - are studying it.' He said the Mormons had been present in the town for 100 years, albeit clandestinely during the Soviet era.

Viktor Kharlanmov, head of the Nizhni Novgorod regional archive, said the project was the result of an agreement between the Mormon-linked Genealogical Society of the state of Utah and the Russian Society of Historians and Archivists in Moscow. He said it was 'vital to save an important part of our archives'. Seventy per cent of the Mormon cash goes to the Moscow society, while 30 went to the local archives.

Orthodox experts and officials have expressed their severe concern over the offence the project might cause locals. Professor Alexei Dvorkin, head of the Sectology Department of the Moscow St Tikhon Institute, said: 'The Mormon practice of proxy baptism or 'baptising the dead' is a well known ritual described in a lot of books. At the beginning of this practice they were looking for their ancestors with the aim of baptising them, but later they began to baptise everyone - Catholics, Muslims, Jewish, or Orthodox.

'Any Christian will tell you that these rituals do not harm the soul of the dead. But it hurts the feelings of the believers who see these rituals with the names of the deceased as equal to the desecration of graves by Satanists.'

But Yevgeny Smirnov, from the Nizhni Novgorod Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and adviser to the Moscow Mormon region, said: 'Our church aims to create a database permitting people to look for their ancestors. Our ceremony is not rebaptism; it only gives the soul of the deceased person the freedom of choice to accept our belief or to reject it.'

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Thai Man Stuck with His German Husband
Thu Nov 27,12:27 PM ET

BERLIN (Reuters) - A Thai man who masqueraded as a woman to wed a German man has failed to get the marriage annulled, and now seems saddled with his husband.

A German court dismissed the Thai's request for an annulment because same-sex marriages are not recognized in Germany, and therefore cannot be reversed.

"I don't know why they got married, whether it was love or the desire for a residence permit," said Ulrich Skwirblies, a spokesman for the court in the western town of Celle.

The 42-year-old Thai married the man in Denmark under a false name in 1994 and was later granted German residency.

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This Bomb-Proof Car Is Too Heavy for the Road
Mon Nov 24, 9:56 AM ET

OSLO (Reuters) - Norway's prime minister cannot use his new bomb-proof car despite a threat of attack by al Qaeda because Norway's state road authority says it is too heavy.

The vehicle, built by Germany's BMW AG to specifications for leaders of NATO nations, has been parked unused in a garage in Oslo since mid-October.

Weighing in at around four tons because of armor-plating and thick bullet-proof windows, the car is twice as heavy as a standard BMW 760 iL model and nearly 90 pounds over the limit for registration by Norway's road authorities, a spokesman for Prime Minister Kjell Magne Bondevik said Monday.

"We expect the problem will be solved in a week or two," Bondevik's spokesman Oiyvind Oestang told Reuters. Making the car light enough for registration had meant cutting down on safety features, he said.

In May, a leader of Osama bin Laden's al Qaeda network urged Muslims to attack the interests of the United States, Britain, Australia and Norway. It was unclear why Norway, which did not take part in the war in Iraq, was singled out.