Subject: Daily Dose - 040105 - LESSON TO LEARN, Bizarre News, St. Mary's Expenditures, DDL, Rotten News

LESSON TO LEARN

It's 2 in the morning and the traveling medical sales specialist calls the front desk at his motel and asks for some female company but with certain physical characteristics.

"She's got to be taller than 6 ft. and weigh no more than 100 lbs.," he tells the desk clerk. Thirty minutes later, there's a knock on his door and he opens it to see a tall, lithe young lady.

"I'm here for your pleasure, sir," she says.

"What do you weigh and how tall are you?"

She replies, "6'2" and 97 lbs."

"Perfect," he says. "Now take off all your clothes and get down on all fours on the floor."

As she does this, he walks to the bathroom door, opens it and ushers in a big St. Bernard dog.

The dog looks at the girl and the girl looks at the dog and the salesman says, "Now Fritz, do you see what you're going to look like if you don't finish your dinner?"

.....(And WHAT were you thinking???)

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Church Bulletin Messages

[The following are actual messages inserted in church bulletins.]

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.

The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped my pledge - now up yours."

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 P.M. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

A the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell"? Come early and listen to the choir practice.

Irving Beltson and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Tuesday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.

***

An Anal Security Search

NORFOLK, Va. - A robot dog that "breaks wind" set off a security scare at the Norfolk, Va., airport, it was reported Saturday.

Security officials jumped on high alert when the toy's wind-breaking mechanism registered as a high explosive on sensitive monitoring equipment, the BBC reported.

Dave Rogerson, 31, of Thorner, Leeds, England, told the BBC he watched incredulously as FBI agents took a series of swabs from the mechanical toy's rear end. The toy was eventually returned to him, but Rogerson was not allowed to take his planned flight and had to take an alternative route to North Carolina.

"There's no humor at American check-ins and for about 20 minutes I was quite scared," he told the BBC. "They were very jumpy and convinced there was something explosive in the dog."

Rogerson, however, maintained his sense of humor and said he decided to name his toy Norfolk.

***

Money on His Mind

Conceptual artist Jonathon Keats is selling all 6 billion neurons of his brain because he wants to be immortal.

Keats, 32, has issued a prospectus and has had a series of MRI brain scans showing clear areas of neural activity when he thought about art, beauty, love and death. A minimum investment of $10 will buy 1 million neurons, but the idea relies on new technology, not yet invented, which will keep his brain alive and functioning after his death, the BBC reports.

In theory, he could net $60 million, some of which would be used to cover the cost of keeping his brain functioning, while his holding company would strike deals to license out his brain.

***

Gnomes Without a Home

PARIS, France - Homeless garden gnomes are posing a problem for French police after a series of gnome abductions.

In an attempt to find their owners, the police station held "gnome return day" on Monday, but only one person was reunited with his gnome.

The 75 gnomes were released by the Garden Gnome Liberation Front in 2001 and left on the steps of the Saint-Die-des-Vosges cathedral.  Currently, 43 of the gnomes still have not been reunited with their owners.

Policeman Sylvain Brucker told Reuters, "In wanting to set them free, the Liberation Front has virtually imprisoned them."  He also mentioned that they might sell the gnomes in a police auction. "Perhaps there are people with gardens who would like to adopt them."

***

Jailhouse Rockers

MOSCOW - Hopeful prisoners from a Russian jail performed a song and dance routine in front of 1,000 member audience at a Moscow concert hall.  Over 800 prisoners sent in demo tapes last year and judges chose 23 to perform at the show, many singing as if their freedom depended on it.

However, their fate had already been determined by the Justice Ministry.  The audience was told that six of the performers had been released only a few hours before the show, but weren't told which ones.

Relatives waited in the wings for performers to entertain, hoping that their son or daughter was one of the six.  Once the concert was over, the freed six enjoyed appetizers and wine, while the other 17 were dragged back to reality and their dingy prison cells.

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Bill Gates my father is not.  As church treasurer, he had two files, one labeled "St. Mary's Income" and one labeled "St. Mary's Expenditures."  While copying them from a  Macintosh to a PC, he had no idea the PC would automatically truncate the file names to ten characters, eliminate spaces, and replace apostrophes with periods.

Now the church's income is stored in "St.Mary.sin" and expenses in "St.Mary.sex."

______________________________

DDL

There was a young lady named Hall
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire,
and burned her entire
Front page, sport section and all.

______________________________

"There's a store near my house with a sign that says, 'Unfinished Furniture'. I have to go in there. I'm looking for a nice three-legged table."
--George Carlin

***

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"

***

My friend Mary, a waitress in an elegant restaurant, had to stifle a laugh when she overheard one diner greeting an old friend. "Oh, Ruth, it's so wonderful to see you!" the woman gushed. "Lately we've been like wind passing in the night."

______________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Mon, Dec 01, 2003
Man Changes Name to Bubba Bubba Bubba

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. - What's in a name? If you're the former Raymond Allen Gray Jr., only one word — Bubba.

The 39-year-old Springfield native legally changed his name last month to reflect his childhood nickname. His new first name? Bubba. His new middle name? Bubba. One guess what his new last name is.

"I kind of like to laugh and joke, and it's something silly to kind of poke fun with," Bubba Bubba Bubba said.

The name change won't be hard to get used to because he has long been known as "Bubba" or "Bubby" Gray, he said.

"My dad called me Buddy, and it got switched to Bubby. Some of the kids couldn't pronounce Buddy too well, so they said Bubby, and it just stuck," he said.

For years he considered changing his name to Bubba Gray. Then a co-worker in the Illinois Secretary of State's office started calling him Bubba Bubba Bubba in jest. Later another co-worker mistakenly thought that was his real name.

"That's kind of what started me thinking: Well, let's just have it all the way through — Bubba Bubba Bubba — first, middle and last," he said.

Bubba's new name became official on Nov. 20 and he's already got a new driver's license and work identification card. He sometimes has been asked what his parents, who are now deceased, would think about the change.

"I'm sure my dad probably would be shaking his head," Bubba said.

**********

Man gets "spam rage" over penis ad
Fri Nov 21,11:48 PM ET 

By Adam Tanner

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Call it spam rage: A Silicon Valley computer programmer has been arrested for threatening to torture and kill employees of the company he blames for bombarding his computer with Web ads promising to enlarge his penis.

In one of the first prosecutions of its kind in the state that made "road rage" famous, Charles Booher, 44, was arrested on Thursday and released on bail for making repeated threats to staff of a Canadian company between May and July.

Booher threatened to send a "package full of Anthrax spores" to the company, to "disable" an employee with a bullet and torture him with a power drill and ice pick; and to hunt down and castrate the employees unless they removed him from their e-mail list, prosecutors said.

He used return e-mail addresses including Satan@hell.org.

In a telephone interview with Reuters on Friday, Booher acknowledged that he had behaved badly but said his computer had been rendered almost unusable for about two months by a barrage of pop-up advertising and e-mail.

"Here's what happened: I go to their Web site and start complaining to them, would you please, please, please stop bothering me," he said. "It just sort of escalated ... and I sort of lost my cool at that point."

The Sunnyvale, California man now faces up to five years in prison and a $250,000 fine, with a preliminary hearing scheduled for next month on charges of threatening to injure someone. He said he did not own any guns or have access to anthrax.

Booher said the problem stemmed from a program he mistakenly downloaded from the Internet that brought a continuous stream of advertising to his computer.

***********

Mon, Dec 01, 2003
Man pays for petrol with nephew
Mon Dec 1,12:47 AM ET 

PHNOM PENH (Reuters) - A Cambodian who found he had forgotten his wallet after filling up his motorbike with petrol ended up paying for the three litres of petrol with his nephew.

The Kampuchea Thmey (New Cambodia) newspaper said on Monday the nine-year-old, who it named as Dy, had been on a trip with his uncle in March 2002 to try and track down his father in a nearby province in the war-scarred southeast Asian nation.

However, their motorbike ran out of petrol before reaching their destination and, after filling up with three litres of gasoline from a roadside stall, the uncle realised he had no money.

Eventually he convinced the old lady selling petrol to take his nephew as a guarantee he would return with the cash -- 87 pence, the paper said.

Nearly two years later, she is still waiting -- but has opted to keep the youngster.

"I have decided to take care of him and raise him as my own grandson," she told the paper.

Despite a huge U.N.-backed reconstruction effort in the early 1990s, child rights remain a distant dream in Cambodia where society still bears the scars of decades of civil war, including the Khmer Rogue genocide of the 1970s.