Subject: Daily Dose - 040104 - CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, BIZARRE NEWS, how they feel about their ass, DDL, Rotten news

CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.  Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "An English girl!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?"

"What I asked for....the English girl?

"Oh, that?  Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait nine months to see if it is a girl!!!"

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BIZARRE NEWS.....

Bizarre Bumper Stickers

I love animals, they taste really great.

My kid beat up your honor student.

Gravity is a myth.  The earth just sucks.

Procrastinators unite!...Tomorrow.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Real men don't ask for directions.

Don't steal!  The government hates competition.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't a lot more people happy?

***

Lovers' Lane

OSLO - Doctors and nurses at the St. Olav Hospital in Trondheim who say goodbye to loved ones as they arrive for work have received their own "kiss and ride" lane to keep them from blocking ambulances.

The lane even has pink hearts painted on the pavement and signs reading: "Kiss and drive - when you don't want to be in the way".

Marit Kvikne, a hospital spokeswoman, said, "We want to make sure that the kissing is not in the way of ambulances."  The project aims to direct the staff away from the emergency entrance where ambulances have occasionally been obstructed by passionate farewells when staff are dropped off.

"I don't know of any other hospital in the world which is doing this," said project manager Randi Troan.

***

Just Monkeying Around

STAMFORD, Conn. - Travis, a 170-pound chimpanzee, is one talented monkey: he can water flowers, brush his teeth, and even enjoy a game of baseball on TV.  However, one thing he hasn't mastered is knowing when to play.

The diaper-wearing chimp escaped from his owners' vehicle Sunday night, frolicked through a busy intersection and held police at bay for a few hours.

Travis played in the middle of the street, rolling on his back and occasionally charging officers. When not shutting doors on squad cars to prevent being trapped inside, he made runs toward the crowd on all fours.

Officers were finally able to get Travis into his owners' car and held their hands against the door to keep him inside.  Travis was sleeping it off Monday.  "He got up and had breakfast and went back to bed.  He's tired," said his owner, Sandy Herold.

***

A Surprise Delivery

SYDNEY, Australia - Only three hours after discovering she had been pregnant for nine months, an Australian woman gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

Carolyn Hounsell went to the doctor with stomach pains and was admitted to the hospital.  Just a few hours later, she got "a very big shock" when she delivered a 3.6 kilogram boy.

"I'd had some indigestion," Hounsell said.  "They sent me off for an ultrasound, which told them I was at 37 weeks.  The cramping I'd had were contractions."

Her husband, Dennis Ross, had been told he could not father children because of a car accident a couple years earlier.

"He's a good size. It makes you wonder where I could hide it. My boss was very surprised but not quite as surprised as I was," Housell said.

***

A Wacky Wal-Mart Wedding

MISSOULA, Montana - Ford Lund and Rae Bauer do more than just shop and work at Wal-Mart.  Last Saturday, they held their nuptials there.

"We met here, we work here, we bought our cake here and our rings.  Wal-Mart is our family," said Lund.

The pair met when they worked together in the garden department.  Their wedding was held on the front lawn of the store. Co-workers were granted a special break to attend the ceremony and they applauded when the newlyweds kissed.

The couple then had their wedding photos taken at the store's portrait studio. The day did have one difficulty though.  "We lost the rings, and we are still not sure where  they are at," said Bauer.

A member of the Wal-Mart family quickly loaned them rings so they could go through with the ceremony.

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There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. The results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too big.

10% of women think their ass is too small.

The other 5% said they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

_____________________________

DDL

He was giving the girl her first lesson,
Hoping head would become her obsession.
But he pushed her away,
Saying, "That's not the way!
'Blow me' is just an expression."

______________________________

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

***

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's screwdriver?

***

"How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue..and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?"
--Rita Rudner

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Rotten News...  (true)

Fri, Nov 28, 2003

Drunk Finnish Judge Claims Toothbrush Defense

HELSINKI (Reuters) - A Finnish judge who heard four criminal cases while drunk insisted the breath test was flawed because she was too busy to brush her teeth that morning.

During a hearing in March, Judge Leena Pettinen's blood alcohol content was three times the legal driving limit, Finland's attorney general said.

The judge said she hosted a party the night before, drinking "several glasses" of vodka punch, cognac, wine and beer. Pettinen did not deny being under the influence of alcohol at work, but said she had felt capable of doing her job.

"The breathalyser test result was affected by the alcohol that was left in my mouth and which I did not have time to remove in the morning rush by brushing my teeth," Pettinen said, according to the attorney general's statement, dated Thursday.

Pettinen could face a fine or a jail sentence of up to one year for professional misconduct.

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Monday, November 24, 2003     

Horses stolen, victimized near Echo Lake

By STEVE LYSAKER
Bigfork Eagle 

Area horse owners, especially those around Echo Lake, may want to keep a close eye on their equine companions after two recent instances of abuse and theft.

A naked man was found having intercourse with a horse in a stable on McCaffery Road around 6:30 a.m. on Nov. 17. Flathead County Sheriff Jim Dupont said the man, still nude, fled on foot when the owner of the horse entered the stable.

"He left his boots and a bottle of hand lotion behind," Dupont said.

The incident came just days after a Flathead County deputy reported his horse missing. The horse had apparently been taken from its stable near Echo Lake early in the weekend.

The horse was back in its stable by late in the weekend with traces of lanolin around its rectum, Dupont said. "It appears we have a serial horse rapist," Dupont said.

The sheriff's office is investigating, and Dupont advised horse owners to be vigilant.

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Fri, Nov 28, 2003
I'll save your life -- if you support Man U
Fri Nov 28, 4:46 AM ET 

LONDON (Reuters) - A Manchester United fan donated cells so his brother could have a life-saving transplant -- on condition his sibling switched his support from arch rivals Manchester City.

Retired management consultant Martin Warburton, 50, asked his brother Paul, 59, to sign a light-hearted contract pledging to join the United fan club.

"We made a great joke of the contract, but he still agreed to sign," Martin Warburton told Friday's Daily Telegraph newspaper. "I just hope now that it will save his life."

Paul, who had the transplant to fight lymphatic leukaemia, was philosophical over the switch between the fiercely competitive teams.

"I was really lucky that Martin's cells matched," said Paul. "But he had to be a Reds' supporter, didn't he?"