Subject: Daily Dose - 040103 - MOSES AND GOD, THIS is TRUE, now it has
germs, DDL, Rotten News
MOSES AND GOD
"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again,
Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses;
more computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess,
Moses. Remember ?"
"Oh, yes; I forgot."
"Tell me what you want,
Moses."
"But you already know,
Sir. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, Sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it
out."
"Well, I have a question,
Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"
"You mean the Ten Commandments,
Moses?"
"That's it. I was
wondering if they are important."
"What do you mean 'if they are
important,' Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I
would not have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost
them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right
through that."
"What do you mean you 'lost
them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, Sir; I forgot."
"You should always save,
Moses."
"Yes, I know. You told me
that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward
them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any
of them?"
"You already know I did.
There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.' May he change the
words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses, as long as he does
not change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who
thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten
Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I will act as if I did
not hear that."
"I think that means 'no.' Well,
what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think the term is
'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yes. I.
E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea
how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said.
He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of
those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do
you?"
"They are not plagues; they are
called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer
stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone
tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each
day, but at least I never lost them."
"We will do it the new way,
Moses; using computers!!"
"I was afraid you would say
that, Sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to
do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this
rat and point it toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses, not a
rat. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try calling
technical support first. ! After all, who knows more about this
stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did
Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why did
you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,'because did you not tell me the
thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I did not name them,
Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. I
bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who
named one of the computers 'Apple?'"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, Sir. I am
pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten
'things' have come back."
"Which ones are they,
Moses?"
"Let me see. 'Thou shalt
not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's
wife.'"
"Turn the computer off,
Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."
____________________________
THIS is TRUE....
YOU'RE PULLING MY LEG: Ichiro Irie,
45, of Usu, Japan, has been arrested after police found 440 stolen women's
shoes hidden in his closet. Irie told police he had "a penchant for
women's feet," a local newspaper reported. Well, "foot" maybe --
all the shoes were the left one from each pair. (AP)
...Which means an awful lot of women were hopping mad.
********
SNACK FOODS CAN BE UNHEALTHY:
Employees at the Kettle Foods potato chip factory in Salem, Ore., have to deal
with an unusual job hazard: bombs. A recent shipment of potatoes from
Washington state included two 8-inch, 3-pound military practice flash bombs.
Investigators learned the potato farm was once a practice range for U.S.
bombers. "We talked to the farmer and he said they find these all the
time," a police spokesman said. "They usually pick them out before
sending the potatoes on." (Salem Statesman Journal)
...The "usually" depending on how fast their invoices are paid.
********
UNLIKELY LOOPHOLE: The city manager
of Springfield, Mo., is standing behind the police chief's decision to fire officer
Michael Murphy over the objections of the city's personnel board. Murphy says
he was told to "destroy" some evidence in the department's property
locker -- 70 beers confiscated by the department's underage-drinking task force
-- and he says he did so: by drinking it. "He didn't steal. There was no
crime committed," says Murphy's lawyer, Richard Crites, who is threatening
to sue to get Murphy reinstated. "Mike Murphy was not untruthful and did
not falsify any reports. Turning beer to urine is disposal." (Springfield
News-Leader)
...Yeah, a judge might buy that line of reasoning -- if he's an alcoholic.
********
ALL SHOOK UP: The staff at a
Shoney's Family Restaurant in Chesterfield County, Va., noticed a man who came
in and went straight into the restroom. He didn't come out for 10 to 15
minutes, and when he did he was dressed in "full Elvis regalia,"
including a mask. He then approached two employees and tried to rob them. But
the employees were so surprised they didn't give him any money. "He got
irritated and left" the building, says a police spokeswoman. (Richmond
Times- Dispatch)
..."Cross My Heart and Hope to Die", the impersonator said later.
"This Is the Story": "I Slipped, I Stumbled, I Fell". while
admitting he went "Beyond the Bend" and has a "Dirty, Dirty
Feeling", he hoped the disguise would make him a "Stranger in My Own
Home Town". But "I Was the One", he admits. "It's a Matter
of Time" before police with "Suspicious Minds" say "Stop
Where You Are" and make him "Surrender". "Don't Ask Me
Why", he added, but he feels like a "Fool, Fool, Fool" to have
expected a "Happy Ending". "When It Rains, It Really
Pours".
*********
TOO BAD EVERYDAY PEOPLE DON'T VOTE:
"Everyday People Say They Prefer Ethics in Government"
-- East Brunswick (N.J.) Home News Tribune headline
___________________________
Four-year-old Johnny was eating a
hot dog when he dropped it on the floor. He quickly picked it up and was about
to take another bite when his mom said, "No, Johnny, you can't
eat that now it has germs."
Johnny pondered the thought a moment
and replied, "Jesus, germs, and Santa Claus - that's all I ever hear and I
haven't seen one of them yet!"
____________________________
DDL
To her gardener, a lady called
Liliom,
Said: 'Billy, plant roses and trillium.'
Then started to fool
With the gardener's tool,
And wound up in the bed of Sweet William.
____________________________
"Whenever I go to a bar, I
always go right up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say, 'You've got
something hanging out of your nose.' Hey, since I've got no shot at her, I
might as well humble her a little for the next guy."
--Michael Hayward
***
"Sometimes I get the feeling
the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some
smaller countries are neutral."
--Robert Orben
***
My wife and I are inseparable. In
fact, last night it took four state troopers and a dog.
____________________________
Rotten News..... (true)
November 12, 2003
Who're the morons?
By PAUL JACKSON -- Calgary Sun
LOS ANGELES -- I'm sitting in the
L.A. airport as some nice looking fellow distributes leaflets comparing the
educational qualifications of President George W. Bush and his top aides and
those of his detractors in the movie industry. Lib-left members of today's
so-called entertainment world spend as much time hurling slurs at Bush and his
officials as they do making bad movies or records.
Now, I've spent just about as much
time in this airport as I spent with my ex-wife, so rather than kill even more
time in the bars, I headed to an Internet outlet to check out the information
on the leaflet and also research some of the movies these "stars"
have appeared in.
Words such as "moronic"
and "idiotic' leave the lips of the multi-millionaire stage hands when
they talk about Bush's team.
So let's carefully compare the
academic qualifications of the Bush entourage and their often hysterical
detractors in the entertainment world.
George Bush himself received a BA
from Yale and MBA from Harvard. He served as an F-102 pilot in the Texas
National Guard.
Vice-President Dick Cheney earned a
BA in 1965 and an MA in 1966, both in political science, from the University of
Wyoming.
Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld
attended Princeton, one of the most prestigious U.S. universities, after
winning a scholarship based on his intellect. He served in the U.S. Navy as an
aviator between 1954-57.
Secretary of State Colin Powell came
from an impoverished black immigrant family and was initially educated in New
York public schools. He graduated from City College of New York with a BA in
geology, later obtaining an MBA from George Washington University.
Secretary of Homeland Security Tom
Ridge was raised in a working-class family in public housing in Erie, Penn. He
earned a scholarship to Harvard, and graduated with honours in 1967. After a
year at the Dickinson School of Law, he was drafted into the infantry and
awarded a Bronze Star for Valour in Vietnam.
National Security Advisor
Condoleezza Rice enrolled in the University of Denver at age 15, and graduated
at 19 with a BA in political science in 1974. She obtained a masters from the
University of Notre Dame in 1975, and a PhD from the University of Denver in
1981.
Now to the tarnished stars:
Singer and actress Barbra Streisand,
whose best-known movies are A Star is Born and Yentil, managed to complete high
school, as did Pretty Woman's Julia Roberts. Baghdad's favourite son, Sean
Penn, now starring in Mystic River, is also in that league, as is Ed Asner, of
The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Lou Grant.
Martin Sheen, who actually plays the
president of the U.S. in the TV show West Wing, flunked an examination to enter
University of Dayton.
Actress Jessica Lange, who starred
in the remake of King Kong and Crimes of the Heart, dropped out of college in
her first year. Actor Alec Baldwin, who starred in The Hunt for Red October and
The Getaway, dropped out of George Washington University.
Susan Sarandon, famed for Thelma and
Louise, got a degree in acting from Catholic University of America in
Washington. No real academic qualifications.
Singer Rosemary Clooney's nephew,
George Clooney, now starring in Intolerable Cruelty, dropped out of the
University of Kentucky. Rosemary must be turning in her grave.
Director Michael Moore dropped out
in his first year at University of Michigan. Moore makes "documentaries'
shown to contain as much fiction as fact.
Of the Dixie Chicks, their less than
melodious voices and warped notes surely speak for themselves. Searching for
academic assessment would be superfluous.
So.... who are the real morons?
**********
Sat, Nov 22, 2003
Woman Too Busy for Free Shopping Spree
Fri Nov 21,11:58 AM ET
MADRID (Reuters) - It would be a
dream come true for many: a prize of 6,000 euros ($7,118) to spend on a
three-hour shopping spree.
But one Spanish woman turned down
just that on Friday, saying she was too busy.
The woman had entered a Chamber of
Commerce (news - web sites) competition to win the spree, part of a promotion
backed by 600 shops in the southeastern city of Murcia. But when she was
told she had won, she said she would have to think about it and then failed to
show up to claim her prize.
She said she had "diary
problems" and was "too busy to waste the morning," a spokesman
for the organizers said.
The money went instead to the
runner-up, 28-year-old Piedad Lopez.
**********
Women needed to test orgasm machine
Wed Nov 26, 2:11 PM ET
LONDON (Reuters) - Wanted: women to
test new orgasm machine.
No, really. An American surgeon who
has patented a device that triggers an orgasm has begun a clinical trial
approved by the Food and Drug Administration in the United States and is
looking for female volunteers.
"I thought people would be
beating my door down to become part of the trial," pain specialist Dr
Stuart Meloy told New Scientist magazine on Wednesday.
But so far only one woman has
completed the first stage of the trial, with apparently breathtaking results,
and a second has agreed to take part.
Meloy, of Piedmont Anesthesia and
Pain Consultants in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, is hoping to find eight more
volunteers willing to have electrodes inserted in their spine and be connected
to a pacemaker-size machine implanted under the skin to heighten their sexual
pleasure.
The married woman who tested the
machine, dubbed an orgasmatron, had not had an orgasm for four years. But
during the nine days she used it, she had several.
"She even told me she had the
first multiple orgasm of her life using the device," said Meloy.
He stumbled on the unexpected
side-effect while using a spinal cord stimulator a few years ago to treat a
patient suffering with severe back pain. The woman had already had back surgery
for degenerative disk disease and fusion surgery. When Meloy placed the
electrodes into a specific spot on her spine to find nerve bundles carrying
pain signals to the brain, she moaned with delight.
"You're going to have to teach
my husband how to do that," he quoted her as saying.
The tiny impulses of electricity
applied to the electrodes seemed to have turned on the patient's orgasm button.
Although the device has been
compared to the orgasmatron featured in the 1973 Woody Allen film
"Sleeper", Meloy envisions patients using it temporarily to retrain
their sexual response.
The women in the trial described it
as "really excellent foreplay."
Although some medical experts are
sceptical about the procedure and say a vibrator can produce the same results,
Meloy believes it could help to improve sexual response in women who cannot
have orgasms and might even help men as well.
A full implant of the device would
cost about 13,000 pounds.
"I don't see it any differently
from procedures such as breast implants," Meloy told the magazine.