Daily Dose - 030526 - TRUE AIRLINE MESSAGE, Stella Awards, rabbinical students, DDL, Rotten News

TRUE AIRLINE MESSAGE

I was flying to San Francisco this weekend, and the stewardess reading the flight safety information had the entire planeload of passengers looking at each other like "what the ****?".

So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it.

Before Takeoff....

Hello and welcome to Alaska flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane, 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea.

Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise.

If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing - not a pushy thing like you're car cuz you're in an airplane, hello!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.

There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight, hold on, let me check what it is.......... Oh here it is, the movie tonight is 'Gone with the Wind'.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation wouldn't you?

After landing...

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because shift happens.

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Stella Awards........ (true law suits)

A LAWSUIT THAT'S NOTHING TO SNEEZE AT
by Randy Cassingham

Marcus Long, 61, has cancer in his brain, colon, lung and spine. He's a very sick man. He and his wife Elaine moved to a new house in Clear Lake, Texas, to be close to medical care. "I was too scared to be more than 20 minutes from his doctors," Elaine says. They say he "nearly died" three times during 2002.

Marcus may be deathly ill, but like most people he likes to eat out once in a while, even though he obviously needs to be careful. He favors McDonald's, where nearly every morning Elaine got him three sausage, egg and cheese breakfast burritos, plus two pints of milk to wash them down.

But one day, the burritos she brought home were "filled" with black pepper, and when Marcus bit into one he choked and got a nosebleed. She took the burritos back to McDonald's, but found the manager "wasn't apologetic or anything." Worse, the manager didn't offer a refund or a free Happy Meal.

Elaine says Marcus has gone "downhill" since the event, and has nosebleeds regularly. The Longs are thus suing McDonald's in Galveston County Court, alleging breach of implied warranty for offering food that's "unfit for human consumption" as "wholesome".

Dr. Leslie Botnick, a Los Angeles radiation oncologist, was asked to comment about the case. He has not examined Mr. Long, but he's quite familiar with how pepper consumption irritates cancer patients' systems.

"Black pepper is a onetime event," Botnick says. Clearly it can be irritating, but Marcus "spit it out. It's not gonna be there on a daily basis. If you buy a burrito, it's sometimes gonna be hot. That's what burritos do."

Botnick adds that cancer patients often bleed -- it's usually due to their cancers, not pepper, Dr. Botnick says, adding "Pepper does not promote cancer."

If McDonald's put a lot of pepper into food items that normally doesn't have added pepper, shame on them. The manager was out of line if she didn't apologize or refund the Long's money. It's sad Mr. Long is suffering an early and painful death, but should it be McDonald's responsibility to ensure their food is acceptable for every possible condition, even a man on his deathbed? The Longs may be angry to be "victims", but they're victims of life, not McDonald's. Still, corporations need to learn how to say "sorry", as long as lawyers and courts don't pounce on a decent human apology as evidence of liability.

********

STELLA SHORT

Jenny Lawson of Ecceleshall, England, is an exchange student attending Roosevelt High School in Des Moines, Iowa, as an exchange student. As a member of the school cheerleading squad, she was performing a jump and ran into another cheerleader. She fell and broke her leg.

A simple accident? No, she says: the school is negligent for failing to require cheerleaders do their stunts on "absorbent mats" and "encouraging more than one cheerleader to jump at once." Therefore she has sued the Des Moines School District, seeking unspecified monetary damages.

The district's attorney says doesn't know of any school that has a requirement for "absorbent mats". Further, he says, cheerleading is a sport which carries "an inherent risk of injury."

Even in England Lawson should have learned to "look before she leaps" -- or isn't there such a thing as accidents anymore?

________________________________

Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day.

Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they deserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas.

"Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law."

A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before.

"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely? Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes?"

"Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" He started to walk away, paused, and then said, "But I boiled them first."

_________________________________

DDL

There was an old fellow from Anchorage,
Who was riddled with fury and rancorage.
When he offered abusement,
The girls gave refusement,
And all he had left was the hankerage.

_________________________________

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years."
-Mark Twain

***

"The biggest thrill a ballplayer can have is when your son takes after you. That happened when my Bobby was in his championship Little League game. He really showed me something. Struck out three times and made an error that lost the game. Parents were throwing things at our car and swearing at us as we drove off. Gosh, I was proud."
--Bob Uecker

___________________________

Rotten News... (true)

Drug Dealers Go on Strike
Wed March 26, 2003 09:32 AM ET

COPENHAGEN (Reuters) - Drug dealers in Copenhagen's Christiania hippie colony took novel action on Wednesday by going on strike to protest against proposals to bulldoze the alternative "free city."

Some politicians, mainly from the ruling center-right Liberals party, have called for the 30-year-old colony to be demolished to make way for a big urban renewal scheme.

"All trade has been stopped since this morning and we do not know how long this strike will take, maybe days, maybe months," Pernilla Hansen at the Christiania information office told Reuters.

"We want to show the government that an open market for soft drugs is better then forcing people on to streets where much harder stuff is sold illegally," she said.

The 75-acre former military compound bordering a picturesque area in downtown Copenhagen was occupied by hippie squatters in 1971 and declared an autonomous "free city" and alternative society.

With a population of around 1,000, it is one of Copenhagen's most popular tourist attractions, visited by about half a million people a year, many to buy soft drugs such as cannabis.

*********

New Jersey town celebrates its beavers
By Associated Press, 03/31/03

KNOWLTON TOWNSHIP, N.J. - Beaver dams have caused flooding on town property and blocked fire hydrant pipes for years, but officials say they're done trying to outsmart the critters.

Instead the town will celebrate the beavers that haven't been deterred by having their dams knocked down, or by the earthen berms and pipes that were put in to stop them.

Township Mayor Frank Van Horn said he has designated June 21 as Knowlton Township Beaver Day. The beaver also has been declared the township's official animal.

"Whereas, neither Department of Public Works director, nor engineer, nor game warden, nor mayor has been able to outsmart the mighty beavers of Knowlton Township," the official resolution said.

"We figured we couldn't win," Van Horn said. "Even the State of New Jersey said we've got some of the smartest beavers in the world."

When township workers remove dams to prevent flooding, the structures are quickly rebuilt by the beavers. Pipes put in to prevent clogs caused by dams are covered right up by the animals.

"They've probably been to some Ivy League school," Van Horn said. "They beat us all the time."

*********

The fifth installment of our third annual send-up of the most ill-conceived, embarrassing, and downright appalling developments of the past year.

The 101 Dumbest Moments in Business

52 No? OK, how about this: I break into your house, steal your wife's jewelry, fence it to a guy named Speed, and then give you 30 percent. Whattaya think?
Alex Tan, owner of Film88.com -- a website that streams first-release movies online for $1 a film -- is sued by nine Hollywood studios for stealing copyrighted materials. Tan claims to have offered to pay the studios 30 percent of his revenue as compensation.

53 Come enjoy a magical cruise where everybody gets a chance to play the role of the little-known eighth dwarf, Pukey.
After 288 passengers fall victim to the Norwalk virus on the Disney (DIS) cruise ship Magic, the ship is given a thorough disinfection. It sets sail again a week later. This time, a mere 60 passengers fall ill.

54 Martha, Martha, Martha

55 Southwest charges extra for consuming a seat, but at least that won't make you gag.
After eight straight quarters in the red, America West Airlines (AWA) announces a plan to charge passengers for in-flight meal service. Price for delicious microwaved chicken Kiev: $10.

56 Further alienating the young male alcoholic demographic that can be so hard to reach.
After ABC announces plans for a new late-night talk show to be hosted by Jimmy Kimmel, co-creator of Comedy Central's beer-and-breast-obsessed The Man Show, a producer sends a memo to staff writers explaining the new program's philosophy: "[The Man Show] was targeted very specifically to young male alcoholics. This one will be much broader-based." During the much-hyped post-Super Bowl debut of Jimmy Kimmel Live, a young audience member vomits after overindulging at the show's open bar, which is shut down before the start of the following episode.

57 Why it sucks to be a student in Nevada.
A red-faced Harcourt Educational Measurement admits that it incorrectly graded Nevada's high school proficiency test, failing more than 700 students who had actually passed. The company pays the state $425,000 in penalties.

58 Why it rocks to be a student in Minnesota.
A red-faced NCS Pearson admits it used the wrong answer key to grade an exam required for high school graduation in Minnesota. Eight thousand students are erroneously told they failed the exam. The company agrees to pay students as much as $7 million to settle the case.

59 Circumference = pi / (areola)2.
After Penthouse prints nude photos it claims are of tennis star Anna Kournikova, the woman actually photographed sues the magazine, which agrees to pulp 18,000 copies and pay an undisclosed sum. Explaining the gaffe, the photographer says he believed he was taking pictures of Kournikova, based on the size of the woman's nipples.

60 Somewhere in Hollywood, a screenwriter opens his laptop and types four ominous words: Weekend at Bernie's III.
Shortly after the death of baseball Hall of Famer Ted Williams, his son John Henry Williams sends the body to the Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale, Ariz. The slugger's body is to be hung upside down with up to three other corpses in a vat of liquid nitrogen until scientists invent a technology that can bring him back to life.