Daily Dose - 030525 - MARKETING INFORMATION, Stella Awards, applying for a job, DDL, Rotten News

MARKETING INFORMATION

Dear Brenda:

Several women I know have asked me for an explanation of Marketing.

Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
* That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
* That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
* That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
* That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
* That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
* That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
* That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed! "
* That's Spam

________________________________

Stella Awards....... (true law suits)

SLAPP HIM AROUND
by Randy Cassingham

Forget the more recent barrage of press coverage: lawsuits against the Catholic church over priests molesting children in their flock are not particularly new. In 1990, John Ramstack received $65,000 to settle a case against Fr. David Hanser, now 70 and retired. The charges were tough to ponder: Ramstack and three brothers say Hanser molested them over a period of years at his lake cottage in Merton, Wisc.

The out-of-court settlement agreement, which was also signed by the Archdiocese of Milwaukee, required that the Ramstack brothers stay silent about their case -- they couldn't go public when the more recent allegations surfaced in cities across the nation. On the other side of the coin, Fr. Hanser agreed not to work or volunteer near children.

After the more recent scores of cases stretching from Boston to Los Angeles came to light and put the church in crisis, the Ramstacks say they learned Fr. Hanser was still working near children, as a chaplain at several hospitals. They say they called a church bishop to complain, but their call was ignored. Since they figure Hanser had broken his part of the agreement, the Ramstack brothers went public against him, giving an interview to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel about the years of abuse they suffered at the hands of a man who was supposed to be giving them spiritual and moral guidance. They also sued Hanser for breach of contract -- for working near children despite their settlement agreement.

"It's up to the church to decide where he works," says John Schiro, Hanser's attorney, denying that the priest had broken the secret agreement. He says if the Ramstacks had a problem with Hanser's actions, they should have complained to the Archdiocese. What about the ignored phone call? "I'm not aware that they ever complained to anybody" other than the newspaper, he said. The Ramstacks were the ones guilty of breaking the agreement, he says, by suing for breach of contract, since that revealed the charges against Hanser.

Fr. Hanser has thus now sued John Ramstack for revealing the contents of their secret agreement. The suit asks for the return of the $65,000 paid in the 1990 settlement and a dismissal of the Ramstacks' case.

The Ramstacks attorney, Timothy Clark, says barring the Ramstacks from suing Hanser for working near children is "against public policy, if not unconscionable." Further, he notes, after the nationwide molestation scandal broke, the Milwaukee Archdiocese "publicly stated that they will not enforce any of these [confidentiality] agreements" that Hanser is asking the court to enforce. Indeed the church does not back Hanser on his counter-complaint; "The Archdiocese does not encourage or support countersuits by priests," says Kathleen Hohl, Archdiocese of Milwaukee communications coordinator, but adds they cannot control what priests do "as individuals".

But Waukesha County Circuit Judge J. Mac Davis says it may be necessary that the Archdiocese explain the terms of the secret settlement, since it signed the agreement -- bringing it into the middle of the dueling lawsuits, even though both Ramstack and Hanser want them to keep out of things. When the story broke, Hanser retired from his hospital work, and the Archdiocese ordered him to refrain from conducting any ministry.

It is unconscionable for anyone responsible for the well-being of children to abuse that trust, especially sexually. It is a disgrace for them to be allowed to sweep their crimes under the rug and be given a new assignment where they can start their abuse anew on fresh victims. When caught, penitence is in order, not a lawsuit that tries to slap down the accuser and, by extension, put other victims on notice that they better keep their mouths shut too, or else. It is time for church pedophiles to be brought to justice, not for them to abuse the courts in an attempt to force their victims to remain silent.

*********

STELLA SHORT

Joseph Bisignano, 66, of Des Moines, Iowa, spent two years -- and, he says, more than $330,000 -- in an attempt to convince Mary Toon, 54, to become his fourth wife.

He says she wanted a formal engagement party, so he bought her a designer wedding dress and a $75,000 engagement ring.

Alas, Toon threw him over ...shortly after he bought her a $4,000 fur coat. In response, Bisignano has sued Toon, alleging fraud, breach of contract and "unjust enrichment". The suit demands the return of $129,000 worth of gifts, plus $201,259 cash for loans and purchases Bisignano made for her.

Toon's lawyer says the "mere allegations" won't stand up in court, and that there was no "relationship as he described it."
That's one way to avoid a fourth painful divorce: get it over with early!

___________________________

An employment interviewer for a big company in New York was talking to an attractive young woman applying for a job.

Looking over the application form, the interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one important question concerning transportation to and from work. "What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her.

"I don't believe I mentioned it," came the pleased reply, "but it's a 36C."

__________________________________

DDL

A young ballerina named Ann
Danced like a soft feathery fan;
But when she leaped and rose
She'd land, not on her toes,
But smack on her pink tutued can!

___________________________________

"I remember reading how a bunch of high school kids were asked to define the Monroe Doctrine, and they thought it was a new band." --Whoopi Goldberg

***

"This guy told me he thought I was attractive, and when I get a nice compliment I like to take it in, swish it around in my brain... until it becomes an insult."
--Sheila Wenz

***

"There exists a widespread myth that humans should learn about sex from their parents. My relationship with my father nearly ended when he tried to teach me how to drive. I can't imagine our relationship having survived his instructing me
how to have sex."
--Bob Smith

______________________________

Topless woman attacks picnic
By Paul Jackson
March 28, 2003

A Vietnam veteran and his family have been attacked by a topless woman while having a picnic at a beach. The man was forced to shield himself with a fold-up table as the woman lunged at him with a 25cm knife.

``It was unbelievable _ she was shouting that she was going to kill me,'' the 52-year-old businessman said yesterday.

The man, who asked not to be named, was on Darwin's Nightcliff foreshore when he was pestered by beggars.

``When I told them to go away they became extremely aggressive and abusive,'' he said. ``A woman in her mid-30s was the worst. She disappeared behind a toilet block and then reappeared, topless, brandishing a huge knife. She came straight at me, calling me all sorts of names and said she was going to kill me. I had to pick up the fold-up table to protect myself. She slammed the knife into it. My wife was terrified. Luckily the itinerant's brother turned up on the scene and threatened to break her arm if she didn't put the knife down. She eventually did and we just packed up and left.''

The man said he reported the incident to a passing police patrol but there was nothing they could do because they were on their way to police headquarters with a full load of drunken itinerants. Opposition Leader Denis Burke said the battle to control the itinerant problem in Darwin had been lost.

``The Government has done nothing to stop drunks and itinerants harassing people on the streets,'' he said. ``It's about time they got tough with these people.''

Northern Territory News

*********

Lion Tamer on Run with Lions and Son of Circus Boss
Fri Apr 4,11:27 AM ET

BERLIN (Reuters) - A woman lion tamer has run away from a circus in Germany with eight lions, two tigers and the circus director's son, police said on Friday.

The woman, in her late 40s, is believed to have developed a close relationship with the 20-year-old man she was training to become a lion tamer, a police spokesman in the northern German town of Melle said.

The couple eloped with a truck containing the animals and is still on the run since disappearing on Monday night.

"If she can handle lions and tigers she shouldn't have trouble with a 20-year-old man," said Georg Dongowski, spokesman for the Melle police.

The circus director reported the matter to police, saying the theft amounted to a value of around 100,000 euros ($107,300).

**********

The fourth installment of our third annual send-up of the most ill-conceived, embarrassing, and downright appalling developments of the past year.
By Mark Athitakis, April 2003 Issue

40 To which Nestlé executives reply, "Hey, at least we didn't name a sandwich after them."
Nestlé demands $6 million from the Ethiopian government for a meat-processing company that was nationalized more than 25 years earlier. Says a Nestlé spokesperson: "We insist that there's a principle at stake here." Alas, protesters point out another principle: Ethiopia is suffering its worst drought in 20 years and has little cash to spare.

41 Thus revealing the grime and graffiti with which New Yorkers are clearly far more comfortable.
To promote its MSN 8 online service, Microsoft places hundreds of butterfly-logo decals on traffic signals and sidewalks throughout Manhattan. After the city threatens to fine Microsoft $50 per decal, the company apologizes and removes the stickers.

42 After all, defying gravity has always been key to its success.
In an attempt to expand his brand, Hooters of America chairman Robert H. Brooks purchases Pace Airlines in December and renames the small North Carolina company Hooters Air.

43 We hear Hooters Air is hiring.
"I didn't take this job to preside over a bankruptcy," proclaims Jack Creighton in 2001, shortly after being named CEO of United Airlines (UAL). Creighton is as good as his word: In September 2002, he retires to make room for Glenn Tilton, who three months later finds himself presiding over the biggest bankruptcy filing in aviation history.

44 Next in line: Joseph Berardino.
SEC chairman Harvey Pitt taps William Webster to head the agency's new accounting oversight board. Shortly before his Senate confirmation hearing, Webster humbly suggests that his past -- specifically, his 2001 vote as a board member of U.S. Technologies to dismiss auditors who were questioning the company's accounting -- might pose a bit of a credibility problem. Pitt tells Webster not to worry. Two weeks later, Pitt is forced to resign under White House pressure.

45 Somewhere in heaven, Sam Walton kicks himself over a missed opportunity.
In August, Jim Koch, chairman of the company that makes Samuel Adams beer, appears on a New York City radio program to promote its "Sex for Sam" competition, which encourages couples to have intercourse in public places throughout the city. After one couple is arrested for, shall we say, a less-than-immaculate conception in Manhattan's hallowed St. Patrick's Cathedral, Koch issues an apology and the promotion is canceled.

46 To the Victor go the spoils, which in this case means raspberry-flavored edible undies.
Shortly after Victor Moseley opens a small Kentucky lingerie and novelty store called Victor's Secret, he begins receiving cease-and-desist orders from Victoria's Secret. Changing the name to Victor's Little Secret doesn't impress the lingerie megaretailer, which sues. After losing in a U.S. appeals court, Moseley takes his case to the Supreme Court. In March 2003 the justices rule that Moseley's shop did not dilute the Victoria's Secret trademark and send the case back to the lower court.

47 We were wondering why Florida's mailmen seem so well-adjusted.
In an apparent move to depress them further, about 300 Florida residents with a history of depression open their mailboxes to find free samples of Eli Lilly's (LLY) new product, Prozac Weekly, along with a letter that enthuses, "We are very excited to be able to offer you a more convenient way to take your antidepressant medication." A class-action suit filed in July accuses Eli Lilly, Walgreens (WAG), a local hospital, and five doctors of violating the patients' right to privacy.

48-51 .Net: Now we get it.

"One question might be, and I'll be as direct as I can be about this, what is .Net? Unlike Windows, where you could say it's a product, it sits in one place, it's got a nice little box. In some senses, it's a very good question."
- Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, at a Microsoft .Net briefing day in July

"We don't have the user-centricity. Until we understand context, which is way beyond presence -- presence is the most trivial notion of context."
- Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, on the same topic at the same briefing

"Our biggest problem was policing the use of .Net. Things like .Net Enterprise Servers. That's a great example of where the confusion came from, because it looked like we were slapping .Net on a bunch of random products."
- Charles Fitzgerald, general manager of Microsoft's platform strategy group, in August on ZDNet News

"It's about connecting people to people, people to information, businesses to businesses, businesses to information, and so on. That is the benefit."
- Steve Ballmer, trying again, in an October interview with News.com