Daily Dose - 030521 - SAUDI PUNISHMENT, Stella Awards, WHAT DOES HE CALL YOU, DDL, Rotten News
SAUDI PUNISHMENT
A French rugby fan, a German rugby fan and an English rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze, when all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death.
However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for the whipping, the Sheikh announced: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow you one wish before your whipping."
The Frenchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back". This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done, he had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain.
The German was next up. After watching the Frenchman's pain in horror, he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back". But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through and again the German was led away whimpering loudly (as they do)
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything the Sheikh turned to him and said. " You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this you may have two wishes".
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness" The Englishman replied. "My first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes, but 100 lashes".
"Not only are you an honourable person, you are also very brave" said the Sheikh with an admiring look on his face. If a 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?.
"Tie the Frenchman to my back".
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Stella Awards.... (true law suits)
IF THE NAME FITS
by Randy Cassingham
In 1997 Bob Craft, then 39, of Hot Springs, Montana, went to court to change his name. The Sanders County District Court approved it, and from then on Craft went by his new, preferred name: Jack Ass.
In 2000, MTV's TV show "Jackass" went on the air, featuring the kind of crude jokes and dumb stunts that adolescent males of all ages seem to lap up with a spoon. Some morons have tried to copy the stunts, or film themselves doing other dumb tricks that they hope to impress the producers with. When they get hurt, they often sue.
But Jack Ass isn't ...um... that sort of jackass: he isn't interested in doing stupid stunts; when not working as a freelance telephone and electric power lineman, his "Hearts Across America" organization campaigns for responsible drinking and the use of designated drivers using the slogan, "Be a smart ass, not a dumb ass."
In seven years, Ass says he has spent $as much as $100,000 promoting his safe drinking message, against a total income of $1,500.
Apparently MTV's "Jackass" series -- and new movie -- are getting in the way of that incredible cash flow. Ass claims that the TV show promoting irresponsible behavior was "plagiarized" from his efforts to promote responsible behavior, that the show infringes his trademarks and copyrights, and that this has demeaned, denigrated and damaged his public service efforts.
"For over two years I have searched for an attorney with some courage to go up against MTV for the infringement and plagiarizing they have done," he says, but he couldn't and gave up -- and filed a suit on his own against Viacom, which owns both MTV and Paramount Pictures, which distributes "Jackass the Movie".
"I have been working on these endeavors for more than seven years and I have put everything I had and a whole bunch I didn't have into this," Ass says. "Financially, mentally and physically I have paid heavily in all of these areas. I have lived in my car for over a year and went months being homeless to help fund this work," he adds. "I intend that this will get some major media attention, thereby also attracting an attorney for representation. The 'Jackass' movie has brought in over $50 million and I intend for the majority of those funds to go to Hearts Across America."
If nothing else, Ass has shown one thing, perhaps to the detriment of his own case: there are a lot of jackasses in the USA.
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STELLA SHORT
The state of Mississippi is becoming known as a place where sympathetic juries provide huge payouts to plaintiffs.
In a recent broadcast, CBS TV's "60 Minutes" aired a segment on lawsuits in Mississippi's Jefferson County, and quoted a local man who said jurors give out money "because they felt as if they were going to get a cut of of it."
Morley Safer, the "60 Minutes" correspondent, wanted to be sure he heard that right: "The jurors benefit? Is that what you're saying?" he asked.
"They benefit after court, and everything is over with. Yes, sir," he replied, adding it was "under the table." He did not identify any specific juror, or any particular case, but two of the thousands and thousands of people who have sat on Jefferson County juries objected to the characterization.
Anthony Berry, who was on a jury that awarded $150 million verdict in an asbestos case, and Johnny Anderson, who was on a panel which awarded $150 million in a diet drug case, have filed suit -- in Jefferson County, of course -- against CBS and a newspaper publisher who made similar comments on the broadcast. They say the comments "were libelous, slanderous and defamatory" against Jefferson County juries as a whole and are seeking $597 million in "actual" damages and $5.9 billion in punitive damages.
"This suit proves the truthfulness of what I said on TV," said publisher Wyatt Emmerich. "If you can expand slander to include an entire class, there is no free speech," he said. "You can't say anything critical." And that's exactly what many lawsuits are designed to do: strike fear into commentators so they will stop public discussion of problems so the people causing the problems in the first place can continue on.
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WHAT DOES HE CALL YOU?
What's in a name ? A lot more than you think. Here's your chance to learn what his pet name for you really means. Don't say we didn't warn you !!
Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.
Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of ovaltine to lager.
Sweetheart -- If it's said patronisingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in ernest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.
Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings - they may be secretly plotting your overthrow.
Memsahib -- At least you're in no doubt as to who wears the trousers in this relationship. Who said that colonisation was dead ?
Luv -- Expect him to be a builder, plumber, chippie, sparkie or just an all round general geezer. Probably calls everyone else this too, including his dear mum, the vicar and the pet dog.
Fatty -- No problem if you're thin. If you're not - kick him out - unless he exceeds 40 stone himself.
Sexy -- Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway !!
Dog breath -- Charming !! He should be in the doghouse if this is his pet name for you. Return the compliment - serve him a dog food curry.
Farty pants -- He could be trying to tell you something about your digestive system - otherwise he's just a big kid who prefers his mates' humour to you.
Slapper -- Great as a jokey term of affection. But if he means it perhaps you should be more careful who you bring home at night - especially if you live together !!
Stupid cow -- The only farmyard animal you should accept the likeness to are duckie, lambikins and chickie. And you're not stupid, so put him out to graze. ...And behind your back.
My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!!
The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
The missus -- See The Wife.
My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
My significant other -- He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house.
Her nibs -- Affectionate term for an authoritarian. You insisted that he called you that. Didn't you ?
If you are a bloke reading this, then think again when you are just about to call her a pet name. If you are a girl reading this, then don't take it too seriously, it's only a bit of fun :o)
Just give him a slap, that normally does the trick, hehehe. Even better, get that big wooden rolling pin out!!!
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DDL
A lady who was fond of a gherkins.
Slyly slipped behind some curains
One spring day while at tea
They say she tried out three
And pickled her internal workin's.
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No matter how hard my mom tries, every plant or flower she has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under her care. But she never gives up hope. While she was visiting home recently, my sister nudged me and pointed to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window. "Look," she whispered, "death row."
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"Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat."
-Fran Lebowitz
***
"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
--Doug Larson
***
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here."
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Rotten News.... (true)
Yet another installment of the 101 Dumbest Moments in Business - a send-up of the most ill-conceived, embarrassing, and downright appalling developments of the past year
31 Damn. We nixed sodomy humor one item too soon.
Benjamin Curtis -- better known as Steven in the "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell!" ads -- is arrested on Manhattan's Lower East Side for marijuana possession.
32, 33, 34
Panic in the heartland, part 1: The crisis begins.
Outside a Wal-Mart (WMT) in the small town of Geneseo, Ill., a 73-year-old woman buys a newspaper and suddenly finds herself trapped when the door of the news rack slips closed and catches her coat. Unable to wriggle out, she solicits a bystander to enter the Wal-Mart and ask for help. A Wal-Mart employee comes out to explain that she can't assist, citing a policy against tampering with the news rack.
Panic in the heartland, part 2: The tense negotiation.
After going back inside for a moment, the Wal-Mart employee comes out and tells the trapped woman that she'll call the newspaper and have a representative come to release her. The woman suggests an alternative solution: Somebody could simply put two quarters in the machine and open the damn door. The Wal-Mart employee rejects this out of hand, explaining that the store can't pay refunds for the news rack.
Panic in the heartland, part 3: The sweet taste of liberation.
Eventually the employee relents and puts two quarters in the machine. Later the liberated woman's daughter visits the store and gives her a $5 bill to be used strictly to finance future releases. A Wal-Mart corporate spokesperson apologizes for the incident, saying, "This is not how we do business."
35 Also on the dais: Hugh Hefner on monogamy, Larry Ellison on modesty, and R. Kelly on baby-sitting.
In June, shortly after resigning from his post as CEO of Arthur Andersen, Joseph Berardino arrives in Palo Alto to deliver a lecture on ... reforming the accounting industry. Berardino tells the San Jose Mercury News that he's "in a unique position" to discuss the matter.
36 The pathetically lonely straight male ones, anyway.
"We look at this as something to heighten the hearts of Enron employees who are losing their jobs."
- Playboy spokeswoman Elizabeth Norris, commenting on the magazine's "Women of Enron" issue 37
Largest in what sense?
"Can you imagine if we extended this offer to the guys of WorldCom, ImClone, AOL, and Martha Stewart's stockbrokers? We'd have the largest issue in publishing history."
- Playgirl editor-in-chief Michele Zipp, on the magazine's "Men of Enron" issue
38 Over by the fryer vats, a despondent Ronald weeps quietly.
Two months after launching the concept nationwide, McDonald's (MCD) discovers a tiny flaw in its "dollar menu" strategy: Charging folks a buck for a burger tends to lower profit margins. The fast-food company posts its first quarterly loss in 38 years as a public company, and CEO Jack Greenberg retires.
39 At least they didn't sell it for 99 cents.
With Africa in the throes of its worst drought in decades, McDonald's begins selling its beef-in-a-pita McAfrika sandwich in Norway. Protesters in Oslo counter by giving out samples of the emergency-ration crackers distributed throughout the continent. By way of appeasement, McDonald's allows the protesters to place posters and fact sheets in its stores.
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Sperm Turned on by Lily of the Valley
Wed Apr 2, 9:16 AM ET
BERLIN (Reuters) - Human sperm become excited when exposed to the scent of lily of the valley, doubling their speed and homing in on the aroma, a German scientist said on Wednesday.
Hans Hatt, a biology professor at Ruhr University in Bochum, said knowledge about a newly discovered odor receptor on the sperm's surface could enable researchers to devise alternative contraception methods or ways to boost fertility.
"This is the first time sperm has been shown to respond to smell," Hatt, who said the findings came after three years of study, told Reuters. "The application of the substances in a salve to the vaginal area could raise the chance of conceiving."
He said receptors in the sperm's membranes are attracted to two chemical compounds, cyclamal and bourgeonal, used in the cosmetics industry to imitate the plant's smell.
Another compound, undecanal, was found to block the attraction and could be used for contraceptive ends, he added.
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Gorilla stew coming off the menu
YAOUNDE (Reuters) - Gorilla, chimpanzee and elephant will now be off the menu in Cameroon.
Authorities in the central African country announced on Monday that any restaurant caught serving meat from endangered animals could face up to three years in prison and a fine of more than 10,160 pounds.
Top wildlife official Denis Koulagna said the animals might be exterminated within a decade if hunting for so-called 'bushmeat' was not stopped.
As well as being the main source of protein for many impoverished villagers in Cameroon's forests, bushmeat is a delicacy for rich city dwellers.
Hunters can easily earn up to $1,000 a year -- way more than most Cameroonians.
"Though habitat loss has often been cited as the primary cause of wildlife extinction, commercial bushmeat hunting has become the most immediate threat," said Koulagna.