Daily Dose - 030520 - FEMALE BRAIN CELL, BIZARRE NEWS, operation to make me sterile, DDL, Rotten News
FEMALE BRAIN CELL
Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried... but no answer. "Is there anyone here?"
She cried a little louder, but still no answer....
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away...
"Hello - we're all down here...."
________________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Movie FACTS
The first Best Picture Oscar for an animation was awarded in 1991 for Disney's Beauty and the Beast.
Jack Mercer was the voice of Popeye the Sailor for 45 years.
On average, a movie makes about 5 times more from its video sales than ticket takings.
In the 1926 film version of Don Juan actor Lionel Barrymore set the record for the most kisses ever in a single film. Barrymore embraced Mary Astor and Estelle Taylor 127 times.
The longest kiss in a movie is in Andy Warhol's Kiss. Rufus Collins and Naomi Levine kissed for the entire 50 minutes of the movie.
The first porn movie was the 1908 French film al'Ecu d'or oula bonne auberge.
The first movie to use sound was "The Jazz Singer," released in 1927: the first words, spoken by Al Jolson, were: "Wait a minute, you ain't heard nothing yet."
*********
Locks of Lucre
OSLO - A Norwegian jail inmate was busted with cash weaved in his massive bush of shoulder-length dreadlocks.
The 20-year-old man was stashing $2,688 in his dreads. Guards found the money during a routine check, but it was unclear how long the money had been there.
The inmate, who is now serving the third month of nearly a three-year sentence for smuggling 31 pounds of marijuana and hashish in Norway, said he hid the money in his dreads because he feared the police would not believe he had earned it legally.
Uh, ya think?
**********
Celebrity Worship Syndrome
People who have recurrent and intrusive thoughts, followed by recurrent patterns of behavior, are diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Those who have recurrent thoughts about what Brad Pitt is doing right now, followed by the need to buy his used napkin on Ebay, are now being diagnosed with Celebrity Worship Syndrome.
Psychologists have come up with a newly-identified psychological condition that one in three people in Britain suffer from. While some suffer mildly, by moderately idolizing their favorite star, others would go so far as to die for their modern-day hero.
So if you're thinking about what Lewis is doing more often than you think about the need to breathe, you might want to seek professional help.
***********
Barfing Barb
TERRE HAUTE, Ind. - If you think human puke is disgusting, wait until you get a load of paranormal barf.
There has reportedly been a ghost who goes by the name of "Barfing Barb" Barb haunts a college dormitory at Indiana State University.
According to folklore professor Nan McEntire, Barfing Barb has been haunting Burford Hall for generations. Those who have seen the ghost first hand describe it as a female who spews paranormal puke all over the place.
She is believed by many to be the spirit of a co-ed who barfed herself to death after one too many frat parties.
Probably because they're too creeped out, but no one ever offers to hold her hair back.
***********
Political Candidate Clotheslines the Competition
TOKYO - Did you think the U.S. was the only country that could possibly elect a former professional wrestler to political office? Please. The Japanese have empowered "The Great Sasuke" to hold a position in a local assembly.
However, unlike most other wrestlers, this one doesn't take off his mask when he's out of the ring. The 33-year-old wrestler who fought his way to victory under his ring name, and wearing his mask during his campaign, has vowed that the mask will not leave his face even after he enters the staid halls of Japanese politics.
Once he's in office, he plans to take a hold of city crime, put it in a choke hold, and pin it down to keep the streets safe.
_______________________________
Dear Sir,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous, and after being married for 7 years and having 7 children I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.
After getting married I was advised to use the 'Rhythm Method'. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha Cha.
A doctor suggested using the 'Safe Period'. At the time we were living with in-laws and had to wait for 3 weeks for a safe
period when the house was empty. Needless to say, this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It's hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I did finish up with clear skin, silky hair and felt very healthy, and my wife was pregnant.
Another old wives' tale we heard was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy.
After constant breast feeding, including my earlier attempts, if my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two
black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the 'Sheath'. The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't really surprise me as I fail to see how a Trojan stretched over the thumb, as the chemist showed, can prevent babies.
She was supplied with the 'Coil' and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realized we had got a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw.
The 'Dutch Cap' came next; we were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all, but alas it did give my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the 'Pill.' At first it kept falling out, then we realized we were doing it wrong. My wife started putting it between her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere near her; this did work for a while until the night she forgot the Pill.
You must appreciate my problem. If this operation is unsuccessful, I will have to revert to oral sex, although just talking about it can never substitute for the real thing.
Yours faithfully,
______________________________
DDL
A sailor at Bangor cast anchor,
With syphilis, buboes, and chancre.
All this, and some more,
He'd got from one whore,
So he wrote her a letter to thank her.
______________________________
"I asked this one girl out and she said, 'You got a friend?' I said yes, she said, 'Then go out with him'"
--Dom Irrera
***
"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm
not afraid of small children."
--Jonathan Katz
***
"The only exercise program that has ever worked for me is occasionally getting up in the morning and jogging my memory to remind myself exactly how much I hate to exercise."
--Dennis Miller
____________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Veggie Jesus Ad Is Sacrilegious
PENSACOLA, Fla. - Christian and Jewish clergy say a billboard that promotes vegetarianism by claiming "Jesus was the prince of peas" is historically inaccurate and sacrilegious.
The billboard includes a picture of Jesus with an orange slice in place of a halo and was erected by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, to coincide with Passover and Easter.
PETA's Bruce Friedrich said the campaign is meant to provoke the thought that if people are eating meat, they are promoting cruelty to animals.
"The way that animals are treated on factory farms and slaughterhouses is egregiously cruel and mocks God," Friedrich said.
But Rabbi David Ostrich of Temple Beth-el, said historical evidence indicates that Jesus, like other Jews of the time, was a meat eater. He said a ritual part of the Passover meal was a lamb slaughtered in the Temple in Jerusalem.
*********
Cow Courted By Lovesick Moose Dies Of Old Age
POSTED: 1:50 p.m. EST March 26, 2003
SHREWSBURY, Vt. -- A 23-year-old cow who once made national headlines after she was wooed by a moose has died of old age.
Jessica became the object of the moose's affection in October 1986, said her owner, Larry Carrara. The moose, which Carrara named Josh, stayed for 76 days, fawning over Jessica, a brown and white Hereford. Most of the time, Jessica demurely shrugged off many of Josh's advances. However, Jessica allowed some nuzzling and neck caresses.
Word of the odd romance spread quickly. Tourists, the curious and the media beat a path up narrow Northam Road in Shrewsbury to see the unlikely pair.
During the courtship, more than 75,000 people went to Carrara's farm to get a glimpse of the odd couple, and those who couldn't visit could hear a song called "Lovesick Moose" written about the pair.
On some days, hundreds of people would show up at Carrara's farm.
"They were big crowds, but it kind of managed itself," he said. "People were really considerate. We never had any problems."
News of the romance flashed worldwide, appearing on the pages of publications including People magazine and on television networks across the globe. CNN covered the story as did "Good Morning America."
The romance also inspired a book, "A Moose for Jessica," co-written by Pat A. Wakefield and Carrara.
The affair ended abruptly after 76 days when Josh disappeared into the woods. Wildlife biologists said the departure was apparently triggered by the loss of his antlers and subsequently his sexual urges.
Tourists in smaller numbers trekked up Northam Road over the years, to check up on Jessica, Carrara said. The cow resumed her life as a favored Carrara family pet on a hillside pasture with spectacular views of the Green Mountains east of Rutland.
*********
Package of Bones Sent To Florida Congresswoman
Posted: 9:50 a.m. EST March 29, 2003
BROOKSVILLE, Fla. -- A Florida congresswoman who proposed exhuming the remains of American veterans buried in France and Belgium and shipping them home has received a package of bones in the mail.
Rep. Ginny Brown-Waite, R-Fla., was not in the office Friday when her staff noticed a peculiar odor coming from a bulging, 8 1/2-by-11-inch envelope postmarked from Germany.
"The contents appeared to be bones of some type, which would explain the odor," said Lt. Joe Paez, spokesman for the Hernando County Sheriff's Office. Police, sheriff's deputies and emergency management crews found no explosives or hazardous materials.
The bones did not appear to be human and might have been from chickens, officials said. The package was taken to a University of South Florida lab for testing.
"It is a little unsettling, but congressional offices are frequently targets of lots of unique mail," said Caryn McLeod, spokeswoman for Brown-Waite.
A letter postmarked from Germany that appeared to accompany the package also arrived Friday. Paez described it as "hate mail."
Brown-Waite introduced a bill earlier this month that would let the families of Americans killed and buried in France and Belgium during the world wars ship their remains back home. About 75,000 U.S. servicemembers from both world wars are buried in military cemeteries in France and Belgium.
She said was acting on requests from constituents who were angry with France's opposition to U.S. plans to disarm Iraq.
Brooksville is 42 miles north of Tampa.