Daily Dose - 030519 - UPCOMING PRESIDENTIAL SPEECH, THIS is TRUE, A1 Steak Sauce, DDL, Rotten News

UPCOMING PRESIDENTIAL SPEECH

Presidential Address What follows is the first draft of a presidential address to be given by President Bush on July 4, 2003. The source of this material remains unidentified.

My fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. The discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been covered thoroughly in the press. A new Iraqi government has been established and appears to be stable.

Our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France. In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.

I am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and all other Middle Eastern nations. Leave us alone. Solve your own damned problems. Need help? Call Germany.

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Mess with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your relatives from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jewry during the 1930s and World War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of Israel. No way, Jose. Nevertheless, to Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Yank yer heads outta rectal defilade and work out a peace deal. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.

I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't give a damn about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil. Oh, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty--starting now.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of xenophobia. My response is simple and direct: if you can play that word in Scrabble, do it as soon as your turn comes round. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them be saying "darn tootin'"! Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from America.

We will develop energy independence. We will restructure our nation for its isolationist destiny. I will be sending legislation to Congress tomorrow proposing the first actions that that august body should take as we move in a new direction.

Finally, I have decided not to run for a second term of office. The First Lady and I will retire to our Texas ranch and have some fun. Laura and I have been talking about taking one of those cruises up to Alaska. To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.

God bless America.

Thank you and good night.

___________________________

THIS is TRUE....

DOES THIS ADD UP? Cortez Curtis, 13, took his mother's calculator to school in Brandon, Fla. In addition to standard math tools, it had a screwdriver, magnifying glass, and a 2-inch knife. Weapon! screamed Burns Middle School administrators, who immediately suspended the boy for 10 days, brought in the police to file felony weapons charges, and started expulsion hearings, even though he did not "brandish" the tiny knife or threaten anyone with it. "That's what zero tolerance means," sniffed district spokesman Mark Hart. District Superintendent Earl Lennard, however, added that the district tries to use "common sense" in such situations. (Tampa Tribune)
...That's not what zero tolerance means.

*******

THE PROPER PUNISHMENT, IRONICALLY, WOULD BE A TONGUE LASHING: Sal Santana II, 12, of El Paso, Texas, asked another student if she would be his girlfriend. When she said no, he stuck his tongue out at her. Sexual harassment! screamed Magoffin Middle School administrators, who immediately suspended the boy for 3 days and scheduled hearings to see if they could expel him to an "alternative" school. Even if the school backs off, says his father Salvador, he will probably sue them. "It's got to be done because God knows how many other kids have been involved in something like this," he said. (El Paso Times)
...More than you think, sir. A lot more.

*******

MIS-DEMEANORS II: The City Council in Palo Alto, Calif., is working on a code of conduct manual for council meetings, and the draft specifically prohibits rude body language, including eye-rolling, head-shaking or frowning. Council member Judy Kleinberg, who led the effort to draft the new conduct guide, says she just wants members to follow "the rules we learned in kindergarten. I don't want to muzzle my colleagues," but "I don't think the people sitting around the Cabinet with the President roll their eyes." (San Jose Mercury News)
...That depends entirely on who's in the President's chair.

******

VICTORIA PEAKED: The Hong Kong Tourist Board had finished all the details on its new tourist-luring campaign and bought space in multiple foreign magazines, but the rapid spread of severe acute respiratory syndrome from mainland China into Hong Kong made attracting visitors less urgent. More than 100 people have died from SARS, a new mutant strain of pneumonia, mostly in China and Hong Kong. But it was too late to recall or change the ad, which is now coming out in magazines and promising that "Hong Kong will Take Your Breath Away." (London Guardian)
...Timing is everything.

******

THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY: "It's a Bum Wrap Says Streaker"
-- Invercargill (New Zealand) Southland Times headline

_______________________________

The managers of the A1 Steak Sauce company were impressed by their new billboard.

It showed a handsome-husband-type seated in front of a large plate of steak and potatoes in a smart restaurant. A pretty, buxom young waitress was standing over him, handing him a bottle of A1. Originally they had titled the billboard, "What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don't?"

But after complaints from members of the board, that the ad was too suggestive, they changed the headline. Now it reads: He Gets It Downtown, Why Not Give It To Him At Home?"

____________________________

DDL

Said Siegfried to Roy at the zoo,
"Be careful in all that you do.
Keep those lions at bay,
Or it will, I must say,
Be the first time a pussy ate you!"

____________________________

Organisers of National Orgasm Week were recently disappointed to learn that the majority of women polled just pretended to celebrate.

____________________________

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT A TATTOO PARLOUR

"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."

"We're all out of red, so I used pink."

"There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"

"Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."

"That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."

"Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."

"Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."

"I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."

"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."

_____________________________

Rotten News... (true)

Car Gets Parking Ticket After Yellow Lines Painted

LONDON (Reuters) - A hapless British motorist was given a parking ticket after council workmen painted double yellow lines either side of his parked car.

Workmen painted the no-parking lines after the road was resurfaced.

"It is normal policy to paint either side of parked vehicles and to come back later and fill in any gaps," a city official in Stoke-on-Trent, central England, told Reuters on Wednesday.

"But it is not normal practice for traffic wardens to issue a ticket. It was a bit of a silly thing to do," he said.

The fine has now been canceled and an apology issued instead.

Last month a traffic warden in Manchester surprised passengers when he issued a parking ticket to a bus when it halted at a bus stop.

*******

Marines Feast on Saddam's Wild Gazelles
Fri Apr 18, 6:20 PM ET

By ALEXANDRA ZAVIS, Associated Press Writer

TIKRIT, Iraq - Supper time has become a double treat at a Marine base outside Saddam Hussein's hometown — not only is there fresh meat, but it's from Saddam's personal hunting preserve.

The Tikrit South airfield, where Marine Wing Support Squadron 271 set up base in this week's campaign to take the city, is on the edge of a preserve where Saddam and favored guests once hunted gazelle.

Now, Marines are venturing into the woods to hunt the animals, which stand about waist-high. They haul back the carcasses as a welcome substitute for the prepackaged Meals Ready to Eat that have been their staple.

"It was delicious. I don't know if it's because we've been eating MREs for two months, but everyone's enjoyed it a lot," said Cpl. Joshua Wicksell, 26, of Corpus Christi, Texas.

Wicksell's review may be biased — he's the cook, and has been putting his two-year culinary arts degree to good use in an unexpected setting.

Each of the squadron's platoons has been limited to killing one gazelle a day to make sure the herd isn't depleted.

The marines are using 9mm pistols to hunt after initially being forbidden to use firearms for fear that gunshots in the woods might be mistaken for enemy fire.

"We hunted them with rocks, as Stone Age as that sounds," Wicksell said. "We gutted them and skinned them and pretty much carried them over our shoulders barbarian-style."

The preparation is almost as primitive: a fire pit dug in the ground, covered by a radiator grill from one of the Marines' trucks.

Wicksell tenderizes the meat with a fork and rubs in salt, pepper, sugar and seasonings scavenged from MREs. To cut the meat's gaminess, he adds some juice from oranges, which have started coming to the Marines now that supply lines are secure.

The mealtime ambiance lacks a lot and the diners' dress is less than chic, but the gazelle gastronomes nonetheless feel a touch of elegance because of the meat's fine quality.

"I was worried about tenderizing the meat at first, but the gazelles here had obviously been fed grain and corn," Wicksell said.

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Eatery Offers Menu for Tobacco-Deprived
Thu Apr 3, 7:48 AM ET

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A New York restaurant has cooked up a way to beat the city's tough new anti-tobacco ban.

The Italian restaurant Serafina Sandro unveiled a "Tobacco Special" menu on Wednesday, with such delicacies as gnocchi made with tobacco and filet mignon in a tobacco-wine sauce, garnished with dried tobacco.

Tobacco panna cotta -- an Italian cooked cream dish -- is available for dessert, followed by a strong glass of tobacco-infused grappa.

"I never thought tobacco would taste so good," said the restaurant's co-owner Fabio Granato of the rich tobacco flavor. "It tastes better than smoking."

His partner Vittorio Assaf said he tips his hat to Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who pushed through the tough anti-smoking bill that took effect last Sunday, for his inspiration.

Under the new law, cigarettes and cigars are barred from almost every bar and restaurant in the city. It aims to protect workers in the 13,000 bars and restaurants that have allowed smoking.

"Bravo Bloomberg," he said. "It took Mayor Bloomberg to make us finally cook with tobacco in the kitchen. It's the invention of a new spice into the cuisine."

The tobacco recipes were the brainchild of chef Sandro Fioriti, a cigar smoker who mused "maybe a little more tobacco" as he sampled the panna cotta.

He's been testing the recipes on friends and staff for two months, he said. A lobster and shrimp salad with tobacco is in the works, while a salmon wrapped in tobacco leaves was rejected as too strong, he said.

Serafina Sandro isn't the only place aiming to placate tobacco-starved customers. The World Bar at Trump World Tower has introduced what it calls a smokeless Manhattan cocktail touted to taste like a cigarette.

Some bar owners are resorting to handing out pieces of nicotine chewing gum, and the city's Health Department announced it is offering free nicotine patches to the first 35,000 smokers who call a telephone hotline designed to help smokers quit.