Daily Dose - 030514 - HAVING A BAD DAY, THIS is TRUE, visitation card, DDL, Rotten News

HAVING A BAD DAY

Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly.

Saddam tells his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what appened."

One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.

"What appen to you?" He asks.

"Well, the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me a bottle of wine, and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."

"My Word! What did you tell dem?" asked President Hussein.

The driver answered: "Good evening. I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."

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THIS is TRUE....

JUSTICE WISHES IT WERE BLIND: Athens, Texas, 3rd District Court Judge Jim Parsons had just accepted a guilty plea from Ray Mason, 40, and sentenced him to 8 years in prison for assault when Mason "said something like, 'Hey, judge. Look at this'," remembers Barry Spencer, the district attorney in the case. The judge looked up to see Mason drop his pants and "moon" him, then turn around to repeat the gesture to the packed courtroom. Judge Parsons called Mason back before the bench and added six months to his sentence for contempt of court. "It was one of those things that was kind of funny," Spencer said, "but you don't want to laugh." (Athens Review)
...At least not until you get out of Judge Parsons' earshot.

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HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? Keith Sanderson was at his job making kitchen counters in Newcastle upon Tyne, England, when a cutter chopped off the end of his thumb. A supervisor rushed over to see what had happened, so Sanderson showed him, carefully using his other hand. The machine promptly chopped off the end of his index finger. (London Telegraph)
...OK, I can only explain this to eight more people.

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LOW COST LEADER: South Carolina's Gov. Mark Sanford says he wants the state to be run like Wal-Mart. "When you think about Wal-Mart, you think about value and the lowest possible price," he says. "When you think of state government, do you think of value?" If the state streamlined its services, "then we will be able to provide services to that many more people." (Charleston Post and Courier)
...Careful: what he really means is he wants all citizens to be bar-coded.

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RETURN TO SENDER -- ADDRESS UNKNOWN: Paul Kinsella of New Athens, Ill., has launched "Afterlife Telegrams" as a way to send messages to the dead. Kinsella, 31, is lining up terminally ill volunteers who are willing to memorize messages to pass on after they pass on. That's even though "I have a hard time believing in the heaven and hell thing," he says. Kinsella doesn't guarantee delivery. For instance, "reincarnation could cause a problem," he says, since "by the time the telegram can reach the addressee, he could already be back on Earth." Also, he "cannot rule out the possibility that there could be no afterlife at all" or that "the addressee might have changed his name." (Chicago Tribune)
...In which case the message will end up in the Dead Letter Office.

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ON-THE-JOB TRAINING: "DUI Coordinator Resigns After Being Charged With DUI"
-- AP headline

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Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these immigration / visitation cards to fill out.

After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc., he got to a question that asked,

"Have you ever been imprisoned?"

He pondered it for a minute, then wrote down,

"I didn't realize this was still a requirement."

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DDL

And then there's a story that's fraught
With disaster -- of balls that got caught
When a chap took a crap
In the woods, and a trap
Underneath....Oh, I can't bear the thought.

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"Two Iranians meet in California. One starts to greet the other in Farsi, the language of their native country. The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously and said, 'We're in America now. Speak Spanish!'"

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The price of gas in Texas has gone so high that women who want to run over their husbands have started to car pool.

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HAVING A BAD DAY

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

You're a Siamese Twin.

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Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.

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You're not. He has a date coming over tonight.

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You only have one ass.

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Rotten News... (true)

Man Fined for Serving Brother's Jail Term
Thu Apr 10,10:00 AM ET

BERLIN (Reuters) - An unemployed German who went to jail in place of his brother to beat an alcohol problem has been fined 2,000 euros ($2,154) by a Hamburg court.

"I thought I could use the time inside for some rehab," the 37-year-old man, identified as Norbert K, told the court on Wednesday. He said he volunteered to serve his younger brother Rudolf's jail term for pimping and promoting prostitution.

Norbert said he tricked prison staff by showing his brother's arrest order and identification card. An anonymous tip to police ended the ruse and Rudolf was arrested.

The court sentenced Norbert and Rudolf to seven and 10 months on probation, respectively, for forgery, falsification and misuse of identification papers. Norbert was also issued a 2,000 euro bill for his 10-month bed and board.

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Six-year-old expelled after 'reign of terror'

Staff and agencies
Friday March 28, 2003

A six-year-old boy has become one of the youngest children to be permanently excluded from school, following an 18-month reign of terror that left some of his classmates psychologically traumatised.

The boy was thrown out of Ashton Vale primary school in Ashton, Bristol, after worried parents wrote a letter to governors demanding his removal. They reported him urinating on fellow pupils, stamping on children's heads and scratching classmates' faces. One parent claims he bullied her son to such an extent he needed speech therapy, while another victim began wetting the bed through fear. However, his father, a BBC technician, yesterday blamed the school for exacerbating his son's bad behaviour and not acting quickly enough. "I think they've gone the wrong way about it," he said. "At home he's as good as gold."

Although doctors have found nothing psychologically wrong with the boy, his father believes he needs psychiatric help. "It's taken quite a while to get to this stage and in that time he's just got worse and worse," he said. "The council should've got him some further kind of help with a psychiatrist or something because their doctor has looked at him and said there's nothing wrong.

"They would exclude him for three or four days because of his behaviour but then he'd go back and do it again. Both me and my ex-wife have sat in the school with him for days at a time and he was fine, but on his own he's terrible."

He did, however, admit that his son had been given "more than enough chances" and had "taken it too far" at the school. "He's always been naughty. He fights everyone all the time but doesn't know when to stop - he just carries on."

The boy was known as a trouble-maker at nursery, but the frequency of violent incidents has risen steadily and he has been suspended numerous times.

His father fears his unusual domestic environment may have had an effect on Troy's behaviour. He has split from boy's mother, but they still share the same home, despite the fact she is now expecting a baby with her new boyfriend, who lives in the Birmingham area.

It is thought the boy will now be placed in a special school, although the local education authority has not yet contacted his parents.

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Britons baffled by food
Mon Apr 14, 7:49 AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - Urban Britons have never been more disconnected from their rural roots, with most people having lost touch with where their food comes from, a survey published shows.

The study, which comes at the start of a new campaign to reconnect people with the countryside, showed that nearly 90 percent of people do not know that beer is made from barley, one fifth did not know that yoghurt comes from milk, while more than one in 10 people think that rice is grown in the UK.

Some two thirds of people don't know sugar is grown from beet in the UK, more than a third don't realise cherries are grown in Britain and nearly one in 10 were unaware that tomatoes and onions were grown there, the survey of 1,000 people found.

The study also found that less than one in 10 people know that British farmers grow most of the food eaten in the UK.

The campaign "Care of British Farming," launched by a several groups, including farm lobby the National Farmers' Union (NFU) and the Country Land and Business Association, will invite city dwellers to visit the countryside and make better-informed choices about food.