Daily Dose - 030512 - FIRST TIME'S ALWAYS THE WORST, BIZARRE NEWS, northern lights, haircut, DDL, Rotten News
THE FIRST TIME'S ALWAYS THE WORST
Ladies, today we find out you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Read on.........
Today the Dayton Daily News published the winning entries in the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition. This is the 1st place in Humor category by Leigh Anne Jasheway of Eugene, Oregon.:
The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches on fire. That's what happened to me.
The technician, Gail, positioned me exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister - right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far away as humanly possible from the rest of your body). Then she clamped the machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that. Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right breast to make sure it hadn't exploded.
Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and still attached to my body.
"Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are perhaps, the words you least want to hear from any health professional.
Suddenly, she came flying past me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!"
OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE in question.
I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my lung (the one that was still working).
I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the partition. "This is ridiculous," I thought. I can't die like this. What would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: breast entrapment?
I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An imaginary fireman rushed in with a fire hose and a hatchet. "Howdy, ma'am," he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.
"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary fireman ran out of the room again.
"This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"
In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine. "Sorry! That's the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to relax before we finish up?"
I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in my backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.
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BIZARRE NEWS.....
Best April Fools PRANKS
The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest - In 1957 the BBC news show "Panorama" announced Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. They showed video of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Many viewers believed this and called in asking how they could grow a spaghetti tree. The BBC answered; "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best."
The Taco Bell Liberty Bell - In 1996 the Taco Bell Corporation announced it had bought the Liberty Bell from the federal government and it would now be called the Taco Liberty Bell. Citizens were outraged.
UFO Lands In London - In 1989 the chairman of Virgin Records, Richard Branson, camouflaged his hot-air ballone to look like a flying saucer, dressed in a silver suit and landed it in a field on the outskirts of London. Thousands of motorists saw the "UFO" and pulled over. Local residents called the police to warn them of the alien invasion. Branson had planned to land in London's Hyde Park on April 1, but he was blown off track and had to land a day early.
Nixon for President - In 1992 NPR's "Talk of the Nation" announced Richard Nixon was running for President again. His slogan; "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." The station was flooded with response. Two hours later, the host of the show, John Hockenberry, revealed it was a joke.
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If They Could Only Teach Dogs to Play Blackjack
There is no need to leave Fido and Fluffy in the kennel next time you head for a Las Vegas get-away. The Las Vegas Review Journal reports the America Dog and Cat Hotel is open and ready to pamper your pooch and cater to the whims of your finicky feline.
It's carpeted with Oriental rugs, hung with animal-themed paintings and fragrant with scented potpourri, the paper notes. Dogs frolic in a 5,000-square-foot free-range area; there are toys, TVs -- "The Fox and the Hound" is a favorite.
Visiting cats can happily ignore the world in three-story kitty condos, whose top-floor "penthouses" feature beds, 5-inch televisions and Tiffany lamps.
A single-night dog-suite rate is $79.
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We Always Knew Aerobics Instructors Were Into Discipline
Talk about a fitness program getting you whipped into shape -- literally. The Miami Herald says a dominatrix wearing thigh-high leather boots and carrying a whip presided over the Crunch Fitness Whipped class -- the ultimate spectator sport this past weekend at the annual Miami Beach Fitness Festival.
Her sidekick, Miss Kitty, the legendary 89-year-old South Beach Party Princess, dressed in gold pants and sunglasses, whipped the behinds of aerobicisers who were taking orders from an S&M fitness instructor.
Donna Cyrus, Crunch's national group fitness director, told the paper: "When you know someone is going to hit you with a whip if you don't keep up, you exercise a little faster."
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Man Hits Jack "Pot" on Beach
A man was strolling along Delray Beach when he came upon a large bale of pot. Perhaps resisting the urge to indulge, he notified authorities.
In all, about 500 pounds of marijuana, wrapped in burlap sacks, washed ashore on several south Florida beaches. This prompted a late-night search for potential drug smugglers.
The weed had a street value of $1.5 million.
A police spokesman said this was an unusual circumstance. He added, "Every once in a while we get refugees washing up on shore, every once in a while we get dope washing up on shore."
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Criminal Caught By Karaoke
MEMPHIS, Tenn. - When you're one of America's most wanted criminals, it's probably a good idea to keep out of public places where people can identify you.
However, as everyone knows, when you're addicted to singing karaoke, that's a tough thing to do.
Murder suspect Joseph Leroy Crouch Jr., 60, was picked up in Daytona Beach, Fla. last month after a tipster recognized him from a segment of Fox's "America's Most Wanted."
The show seemed to know everything about the criminal at-large, as they noted his penchant for performing at karaoke bars. Dozens of people from multiple states made phone calls to Memphis police after recognizing Crouch from karaoke sessions.
And now, for your entertainment, here's Joseph Crouch doing his rendition of Elvis' "Jailhouse Rock."
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Flushing Your Life Away
BANGKOK, Thailand - A report from a police station in one of Bangkok's northern suburbs claims that the body of Hong Khaphapu was found in his detention cell after he took his own life.
For the first time, an inmate has killed himself by drowning.
Thai police claim that the Chinese drug suspect committed suicide by submerging his head in a toilet water tank in his cell. Hong had previously been detained after police found close to 4,000 methamphetamine pills on him, as well as another 10,000 at his apartment.
Some human rights groups are suspicious of the incident, knowing that many inmate deaths have come by the hands of police officers.
Without any evidence, we'll just have to assume that Hong simply felt his life was a waste.
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During an arctic training exercise in Alaska intense cold played havoc with vehicles and equipment. One harassed battery commander was trying to cope with vehicles that wouldn't run and machinery that wouldn't work. He was wondering what else could go wrong when the door flew open and a soldier rushed in and announced, "Hey, captain, the northern lights are out!
Exasperated and without looking, the captain barked, "Well, don't tell me! Go get the generator mechanic and have him fix the darn things!"
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A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment - shave, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, sonny, we're gonna get us a free haircut!'"
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DDL
There once was a rat from Berlin
who wanted to screw a cat named Lynn
His member poised over her hole
when out came a mole
Who said," be careful not to fall in."
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"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
-Steven Wright
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"Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself."
- Peter da Silva
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"There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?"
-Elaine the stewardess in AIRPLANE
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Rotten News... (true)
$10,000 for Topless Mermaid Bust
Thu Apr 24,10:10 AM ET
NEW YORK (Reuters) - New York City has to fork out $10,000 for arresting a woman who appeared topless at the 2001 Coney Island Mermaid Parade, her lawyer says.
The 31-year-old Brooklyn woman, Amy Gunderson, wore only a thong and body paint at the annual Mermaid parade and sued the city for violating her First Amendment rights after police arrested her.
"A woman has a constitutional right to appear in public topless, the same right that men have," her lawyer, Ron Kuby, said Wednesday.
The city settled after the charges against Gunderson were dismissed. City lawyer Deborah Meyer said the city "makes business decisions every day" and it was "in our best interest to settle."
Kuby said Gunderson planned to make an encore appearance at this year's parade. He did not say whether she would be wearing a shirt or not.
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Actress Sentenced to 74 Lashes for Kiss
Thu Apr 24,10:16 AM ET
TEHRAN (Reuters) - A prominent Iranian actress has been given a suspended sentence of 74 lashes for kissing a young film director during an awards ceremony, newspapers reported on Thursday.
Respected film and television actress Gohar Kheirandish fell foul of the Islamic Republic's strict moral code last September when presenting the prize for best director at a festival in the central city of Yazd.
Physical contact in public between unrelated or unmarried men and women is taboo in Iran.
As she handed over the award Kheirandish shook the hand of Ali Zamani, a student of her late husband, and planted a kiss on his forehead.
The gesture, which Zamani later described as "motherly," provoked organized protests by local religious leaders and landed the pair in court.
Kheirandish's subsequent apology for causing any offence ensured that she was handed a suspended sentence, the English language Iran Daily newspaper said.
The sentence means that she will receive the 74 lashes only if she commits a similar offence again.
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And now, the al-Sahaf talking doll
NEW YORK (Reuters) - People who joined the cult following of Iraq (news - web sites)'s wartime spokesman Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf can now buy a talking doll and hear him say things like "our initial assessment is that they will all die" as often as they want.
The Connecticut company Herobuilders.com built the doll and also sells others that make fun of Iraq war allies U.S. President George W. Bush (news - web sites) and Prime Minister Tony Blair (news - web sites).
The company made the "Iraqi Dis-information Minister Action Figure Doll" of the former Iraq Information Minister al-Sahaf, who disappeared from Baghdad after the invasion of U.S. troops whose presence he had bizarrely denied.
TV viewers around the world took a liking to his often colorful statements that became the butt of television talk show jokes in the United States. A Web site, www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com, drew 4,000 hits a second after its launch a week ago.
The doll says, "There are no Americans infidels in Baghdad, never. Our initial assessment is that they will all die. I am not scared and neither should you be. They're not even within 100 miles of Baghdad."
Herobuilders.com owner Emil Vicale said he wanted to take advantage of the craze and built the doll of al-Sahaf dressed in trademark army fatigues and black beret to be sold for $35.95 (25 pounds).
"We were able to obtain a digital copy of his voice, his sound bites," Vicale said. "We were able to digitize that and impregnate that on a voice chip."
Other dolls sold by the same company include "Saddam Insane", "President G.W.", "Butcher of Baghdad", "British Ally", and "Osama is Drag" -- al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden in a pink dress.