Daily Dose - 030511 - SADDAM'S DOUBLES, THIS is TRUE, French Foreign Minister, Colin Powell, DDL, Rotten News

SADDAM'S DOUBLES

All six of Saddam's doubles were called to a meeting today to be briefed as to what their job over the next few days would be. Each of them came eagerly to see what their great leader had in mind for them and also because they were worried after not hearing from him after the initial bombings. Uday, one of his sons, came into the conference room with his bodyguards behind him.

"I have good news and bad news." Uday said. "The good news is that Saddam is alive and well so you all may keep your jobs!"

The lookalikes all cheered and praised Saddam and Allah.

"The bad news is that Saddam lost an eye and an arm."

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THIS is TRUE.....

DRESS CODE: Paul Cara, a London, England, social worker, lost his appeal to an industrial tribunal, which upheld his employer's limits on his work attire. The Hackney Social Services Department had allowed Cara to wear leggings, tights and blouses to work, but balked when he showed up in a skirt. "I feel oppressed," Cara said of the ruling. (Reuters)
...Maybe his bra is too tight.

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TWINS: A Lehman Brothers vice president pleaded guilty to criminal contempt in New York's Manhattan Criminal Court for paying his mechanic to serve jury duty for him. The impersonation came to light when the judge asked the mechanic, "Are you Andrew Levinson?" After replying "No, I'm not," the impostor excused himself for the rest room and never came back. Levinson was sentenced to 500 hours of community service. (AP)
...Great: I had to find the one honest mechanic in town.

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1.5 WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL: Kenneth Dunn died in 1991. His wife, Pat, and his mistress, Jean Cooper, are fighting in a Birmingham, England, court over which one gets to be buried beside him. Dunn had two identical houses -- right down to identical kitchen appliances, wallpaper and dogs named Kim -- one for each woman, spending half his time at each house. According to Pat, Dunn would joke, "If I forget who I'm with, at least I'll get the dog's name right." (Reuters)
...With luck, the judge will see there are two sides.

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BAKER'S DOZEN: Toni Tenner argues that she was faithful to her husband. It was one of her other 12 personalities, Andrea, that committed adultery, causing the breakup of her marriage. Tenner's suit to increase her alimony payments has made it all the way to the Kentucky Supreme Court. In an earlier ruling, an appeals court judge said that allowing her to prevail would be "more in keeping with the psychobabble prevalent on television talk shows than with sound jurisprudence." Her attorney argues back that "The personality that considered herself married ... had been 100 percent faithful." (AP)
...Fine: double the alimony, then give Toni her 1/13th share.

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DROVE HIM TO IT: David Guest, 33, of London, England, just got his driver's license. Such is normally not news, except that Guest has been trying for 17 years, and always failed the test. He took 632 driving lessons with eight instructors, crashing five cars in the process, to get to this point. "When I was told I'd passed, I bent down on my knees and thanked God," he said. "I feel like I have died and gone to heaven." (Reuters)
...And now, on to his dream profession: downtown London cabbie.

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OH... MY... GOD!! "Man Goes Berserk in Car Saleroom, Many Volvos Hurt"
-- Reuters headline

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French Foreign Minister Dominique deVillepin today warned Iraq not to act alone in creating weapons of mass destruction.

"Unilateralism is bad," said Mr. deVillepin. "We urge Iraq to work in a multilateral way, through the U.N. perhaps, to manufacture, deploy and conceal weapons of mass destruction."

"I have spoken with German officials," he added. "To prevent the horrors of unilateral action we are prepared to work with Saddam Hussein to organize . . . how do you say in English? A coalition of the killing . . . or is it coalition of the shilling . . well, you know what I mean."

When questioned by reporters about the morality of producing chemical and biological agents, the foreign minister said, "It's more important to do things together than to do the right thing."

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"When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying that, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'

It became very quiet in the room."

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DDL

Exuberant Sue from Anjou
Found that fucking affected her hue;
She presented the sight
Some parts pink, some parts white,
And others quite purple and blue.

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By now, I am sure we have all heard about the Saddam Hussein Condom - the one for little pricks who don't pull out in time

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"From time to time, the tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of tyrants and patriots."
----- Thomas Jefferson

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Rotten News... (true)

16 Apr 2003 13:34 BST

Baghdad robbers outwit Keystone Kops

By Rosalind Russell

BAGHDAD (Reuters) - A bank heist in downtown Baghdad should have presented the perfect opportunity for the new U.S.-Iraqi police patrols to show off their muscle. But thanks to dithering, language problems and the sheer audacity of the robbers, it turned into a farce worthy of the Keystone Kops.

By the time a patrol of Iraqi policemen and U.S. Marines arrived on the scene, more than 20 thieves had already made their getaway, firing a victory shot from an AK-47 as they fled. Another three were thrown to the ground by Marines, who taped their arms behind their backs and wondered what to do next.

Further down the street, a scuffle broke out as a bag of money was found discarded on the roadside.

An Iraqi policeman, armed only with a truncheon, jumped into his battered, unmarked saloon car and went racing off towards the scuffle, leaving his new American colleagues behind. Five minutes later he returned, sprinting at full pace, minus his truncheon and his car.

"That's great, that's just great. Now they have a getaway car and we don't even have a vehicle to take these guys to the police station," said Marine Corporal Shane Weeks, pointing to the captives lying face down on the pavement.

It was not the first time the Rasheed Bank had been looted, but this time the robbers succeeded in smashing their way into the vault and pulling out sacks and boxes stuffed with Iraqi dinars. Local residents alerted a nearby patrol of Marines and Iraqi police, leading to chaotic scenes.

The joint patrols are aimed at bringing security and stability back to the capital, and building trust between the occupying forces and Baghdad residents. But the language barrier and different working agendas seem to be causing problems.

"We can't understand the language so it's hard for us to communicate with the Iraqi police or the people," Weeks said as he stood next to his three captives. "I haven't got a clue what's going on here."

A fire engine pulled up to put out a blaze on the second floor, and passing motorists offered advice from car windows on how to deal with the looters.

"Shoot them!" shouted one.

"I'm sorry sir, we have no authorisation to do that," replied the bewildered corporal.

The Iraqi policeman told another Marine with an M-16 rifle to fire into the air to disperse a growing crowd.

The Marine lifted his weapon, but then thought better of it.

Since U.S. forces moved into Baghdad last week, millions of Iraqi and U.S. banknotes have been stolen from unguarded banks while shops, offices and public buildings have been looted bare. Sporadic gunfire still crackles around the city.

Weeks said the Iraqi police faced an uphill struggle.

"They are very eager to do their job, but it's hard because we just can't talk to each other," said Weeks. "And they have a different way of enforcing justice. They want us to shoot everybody."

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British Newspaper Offers Chunk of Saddam Statue

LONDON (Reuters) - A popular British newspaper opened a competition on Saturday with the sole prize a chunk of the giant bronze statue of toppled Iraqi President Saddam Hussein that was torn down in Baghdad.

To qualify for the winning draw, readers of the top selling Sun tabloid just have to do identify which country Iraq invaded in 1990, triggering the first Gulf War.

The Sun, which has been using the wave of patriotic support that surged after U.S. and British troops invaded Iraq last month to boost its circulation, said the winner would be the first correct answer picked out of a beret.

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Fri 28 Mar 2003

British troops prefer Iraqi boots

AFP - British soldiers have been scavenging the debris of war for Iraqi army boots because the British army variety are disintegrating in the hot desert sun.

Guardsman Lee Williams, 18, of the Desert Rats' Royal Scots Dragoon Guards battle group, found a new pair of boots in an abandoned barracks which he said were "lighter and more comfortable" than the British footwear.

He added he had been forced to swap his footwear because no replacements were available for his own disintegrating boots. Equipment shortages have affected British forces since their arrival in the Gulf.

Other soldiers are wearing patched-up combat trousers, repaired in one instance by removing a pocket, and in another case by cutting up a colleague's spare shirt.

Army officers concede there have been problems with supplies, partly because of the relatively short time available between the announcement of British deployment and the soldiers' arrival in the Gulf.

Guardsman Williams, from Birmingham, accepted that his footwear problems would not prevent him fighting effectively, but said that he was disappointed that he was having to wear Iraqi boots.

"I was in a prisoner of war camp two days ago in which there was an abandoned barracks and I saw a room full of boots and clothing," he said. "The English boots I had on were coming apart, they were the black ones, not desert boots, and the sole on them was coming off because of the heat.

"So I picked up a pair of the Iraqi boots for myself. There were lots of them, and they are more comfortable and lighter than the ones I was wearing. I'm not too keen about it for obvious reasons and I would not have believed it if you'd have said that I would be wearing Iraqi boots before I came out here."

Another Irish Guard, Guardsman David Richardson, 22, from Manchester, has cut up his own trousers in an attempt to repair holes in the crotch and backside.

"I've only got one pair of desert combats and they were issued second-hand with tears in them which have got worse since I got here," he said. "I've had to cut my pocket out to make patches to cover up the holes. It's embarrassing. "The Iraqi army seems to be better clothed than we are. We are supposed to look like professional soldiers, but we don't. I look like a tramp."

AFP rs