Daily Dose - 030510 - visit to Chicago, BIZARRE NEWS, Newest Medications for Women, DDL, Rotten News
On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver.
The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. "And the gentleman?" he asked. "Does he want to go to the bank?"
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Big Brother FACTS
In large cities, Americans are photographed on the average of 20 times a day.
Everything you charge is in a database that police, among others, can look at.
Your employer is allowed to read your E-Mail, and if you use your company's health insurance to purchase drugs, your employer has access to that information.
Your cell phone calls can be intercepted, and your access numbers can be cribbed by eavesdroppers with police scanners.
You are often being watched when you visit web sites. Servers know what you're looking at, what you download, and how long you stay on a page.
A political candidate found his career destroyed by a newspaper that published a list of all the videos he had ever rented.
Most "baby monitors" can be intercepted 100 feet outside the home.
A new technology called TEMPEST can intercept what you are typing on your keypad (from 100 feet away through a cement wall.)
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Hickory, Dickory, Splash!
LINCOLNTON, N.C. - Don't you just hate it when those punk kids from the neighborhood make their way into your backyard and dive into your swimming pool without asking? If this has ever happened to you, then you can imagine how annoying it must have been for Paul and Virginia Rhyne when they discovered their neighbor's horse in their swimmin' hole.
As the couple was preparing breakfast on Sunday morning, their grandson and his friends found Hickory, a 10-year-old Tennessee Walking Horse, in the cold water.
With firemen and about 50 volunteer rescuers from the neighborhood, Hickory was lifted out of the pool.
The latest news on the wandering horse is that she is doing well and in 'stable' condition.
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Road Closed For Sex
PENNSYLVANIA - It's not uncommon to find a road closed due to construction, flooding or if a bridge is out. However, five miles of road will be closed in Pennsylvania for quite a different reason: procreation.
The paved path that passes through the Delaware Water Gap National Recreation Area will be blocked off so salamanders, frogs and other amphibians can get it on without being run over.
The park service says it will periodically close River Road when it rains at night so the creatures can slither their way across the road to wetlands where they mate.
So if the sign is a-blockin', don't come a-knockin'.
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Alcohol Irony: Bar Gets Wrecked
LONDON - If someone's had a little too much to drink, it's a good idea to take away their car keys and cut them off from any more beverages. And, if he didn't take his car, make sure to snag his bulldozer keys from him then.
The owner of a historic village pub pleaded guilty today to demolishing part of the building with a bulldozer, reportedly after staff refused to serve him a drink after hours.
News reports said it will cost up to $112,000 to repair the damage.
It seems that the customers weren't the only ones who got plowed that night.
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An Up and Down Murder Case
ST. LOUIS, Mo. - Common objects used in cases of murder include guns, knives, blunt objects, ropes... just to name a few. However, it's not every day that you read about a man being beaten to death with a pogo stick.
Richard Bilauski, 30, was sentenced to 30 years in prison for attacking two men with an aluminum bat and a pogo stick, killing one and severely injuring another.
The attack happened after the accused asked the two men about the whereabouts of his girlfriend. The three argued and Bilauski ended up beating the two men with the bat and pogo stick. One man died and the other suffered a head wound and a loss of hearing.
If one had to make a guess, it would be that the victim who died was beaten with the bat, while the other was beaten with the pogo stick... considering he was able to bounce back from his injuries.
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The End Is Near
For those of you readers who expect to be around in the next 60 years or so, get ready to see one of the greatest endings in history: ours.
At least, that's according to one of Britain's great dead scientists, Sir Isaac Newton.
His Armageddon prognostication has been dug-up from little-known manuscripts in a Jerusalem library. Thousands of pages contain Newton's attempts to decode the Bible, which he believed contained God's secret laws for the universe.
The scientist believed Christ's second coming would follow plagues and war and would precede a 1,000-year reign by the saints on earth.
Newton's predicted date for the end was scribbled on a scrap of paper: 2060.
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The Newest Medications for Women
DAMITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours
St.MOM'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone for single women Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting
DUMEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ causing enjoyment of country western music
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers
MENICILLIN
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person can we get naked now?"
BUY-AGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr Laura
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number
ANTI-TALKSIDENTA
spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers
SEXCEDRIN
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome
RAGAMET
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself
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DDL
One night a girl had an affair
With a fellow all covered with hair.
Then she picked up his hat
And realized that
She'd been had by Smoky the Bear.
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EXERCISE
I bought an exercise bicycle two years ago. It has an eighth of a mile on it. See, what happened is, I discovered that the handlebars fit my sport jacket perfectly. And there's a place for my beer and McDonald's right under it ... the most expensive coat hanger in New York.
-- Robert Klein
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Think about it. Do you want to be known as a girl who pedals it all over town? Of course not. There is a tremendous current revival of bicycling throughout the country. They say that it brings health and happiness. You know who this bicycle craze is making healthy and happy? The Schwinn Company. If you must ride a bike there's only one way to do it--sitting on the handlebars while somebody else pedals.
-- Totie Fields
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We work out entirely too much. We waste time. A friend of mine runs marathons. He always talks about this "runner's high." But he has to go twenty-six miles for it. That's why I smoke and drink. I get the same feeling from a flight of stairs.
-- Larry Miller
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Rotten News... (true)
Wed, February 26, 2003
No lunch if you're not a member
(AP) - A member of the Australian lower house of Parliament in Melbourne has been thrown out of the house while breast feeding her 11-day-old daughter Charlotte.
MP Kirstie Marshall was asked to leave by the seargent-at-arms not because of the breast-feeding, but because she brought a non-elected person into the chamber.
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UK man wants body fed to SA sharks
Posted Wed, 05 Feb 2003
Lawyers for a British man who reportedly wants his body fed to sharks off the South African coast after he dies, have declined to comment on reports of the man's bizarre request.
The report was first published on the British-based internet news service, ananova.com.
Saranjit Kajal, a spokesperson for a law firm acting for Robert Blackwood, speaking from London said: "I shouldn't be talking to you at all."
She said her client was real disappointed that the story had got out.
"He doesn't want any publicity. It's becoming alarming. I've already had three calls from South Africa but I respect our client's right to his privacy. He's adamant he doesn't want to speak to the media," Kajal said.
According to the Ananova report, Blackwood, a property developer, applied to the South African Department of Environmental Affairs and Tourism for his body to be fed to Great White sharks off Gansbaai in the Western Cape.
The report said Blackwood had never been to South Africa nor had he ever seen a live shark but his decision was made after he had seen a documentary on Gansbaai's sharks by the author of Jaws, Peter Benchley.
Shark experts believe his body had more chance of being devoured by crayfish, rather than sharks.
A spokesperson for the department of environment affairs confirmed they had received a letter from Blackwood but it was not for the department to make it public.
Sapa
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The 101 Dumbest Moments in Business
The third installment of our third annual send-up of the most ill-conceived, embarrassing, and downright appalling developments of the past year.
By Mark Athitakis, April 2003 Issue
21 And that's nothing. Wait'll you get to the part about the Nimbus 2000 broom.
In July, bookstores in China start selling Harry Potter and Leopard-Walk-Up-to-Dragon, a knockoff of the series. First paragraph: "Harry is wondering in his bath how long it will take to wash away the creamy cake from his face. To a grown-up, handsome young man, it is disgusting to have filthy dirt on his body. Lying in a luxurious bathtub and rubbing his face with his hands, he thinks about Dudley's face, which is as fat as Aunt Petunia's bottom."
22 Buy a domain name, do nothing, watch the money roll in. Somebody wake up Henry Blodget -- the dotcom model works!
After losing her six-figure TV-production job and racking up $20,000 in credit card debt on such survival essentials as lattes, CDs, and Prada pumps, Karyn Bosnak launches Savekaryn.com to solicit donations. Understandably, Bosnak is roundly mocked for her gall. Somewhat less understandably, people rush to donate more than $13,000 to Bosnak's cause.
23 Seven letters hath November?
Thanks to the toil of 47 diligent editorial staffers, Business 2.0 puts out its "Novemer" issue.
24 Whiffed pitch No. 3: dead spokespeople.
To promote the release of its videogame Shadow Man: Second Coming, the London office of Acclaim Entertainment (AKLM) seeks volunteers who'll allow the company to put ads on the headstones of deceased relatives. Explains an Acclaim spokesperson: "It's a dark, gory type of game, and we thought it was appropriate to raise advertising to a new level."
25 We may or may not make a joke here.
Hoping to keep his cash-hemorrhaging company afloat, Salon.com editor David Talbot announces a blockbuster story: Former Nixon attorney John Dean will "unmask the real Deep Throat" in an exclusive e-book for sale on the site. After the person Dean intended to name threatens a lawsuit, Salon (SALN) backpedals; when the book finally appears, it limply suggests four people who may -- or may not -- have been the Watergate informant.
26 And the winner is ... Matt Damon!
Despite the opportunity to gather clues in a seven-figure prize contest, TV viewers shun the Ben Affleck-produced Push, Nevada. ABC is forced to pull the plug after seven episodes, but not before giving $1 million to a savant who tuned in expecting to watch a different show.
27 Which also explains the Travolta oeuvre.
Reed Slatkin, one of three original investors in EarthLink (ELNK), pleads guilty to 15 counts of fraud after a Ponzi scheme he orchestrated bilked investors out of $254 million. Though he faced a 105-year sentence, the plea allows Slatkin, a well-known Scientologist, to receive a shorter sentence due to the "psychological impact of his association with certain individuals and/or groups."
28 Great moments in asset management.
In 2001, Wilco -- a rock band known for its critically acclaimed but mediocre-selling records -- submits its Yankee Hotel Foxtrot album to its label, AOL Time Warner subsidiary Reprise Records. Believing that the record will be a poor seller, Reprise passes on the album and drops the band. After nearly a year in industry limbo, Wilco finds a new label: AOL Time Warner subsidiary Nonesuch Records. After shrewdly making the same corporation pay for the same record twice, Wilco releases Yankee Hotel Foxtrot to critical acclaim and mediocre sales.
29 OK, for the last time. James Earl Jones: much-admired actor. James Earl Ray: much-despised assassin. Got it?
To honor James Earl Jones at a Martin Luther King Day event, the city of Lauderhill, Fla., commissions Texas-based Merit Industries to create a plaque featuring stamps of black Americans. It reads, "Thank you James Earl Ray for keeping the dream alive."
30 Whiffed pitch No. 4: sodomy humor.
In a spot titled "Captive Audience," 7-Up pitchman Godfrey hands out cans of soda to prison inmates. After dropping a can, Godfrey remarks, "I'm not picking that up." The ad is pulled after complaints from the group Stop Prison Rape, which, according to a 7-Up spokesperson, "had some very valid points about the ad being able to be interpreted a different way from what we intended."