Daily Dose - 040506 - MEXICAN PARROT, THIS is TRUE, FIRST DATES, DDL, Rotten News
MEXICAN PARROT
So the man walks to the register and asks the employee, "Excuse me sir, but can you tell me why that parrot costs $5,000 dollars?"
The employee says, "Oh that parrot is extremely special, it's one of a kind. Not only is it beautiful but it is bilingual."
The man gives the employee a strange look and says, "No way, there's no animal that could ever learn how to speak two languages!"
The employee smiles and says," Follow me I'll prove it." The employee says," go ahead pull on his right leg."
So the man pulls on the parrots right leg. The parrot says, "Hello, how are you?". The man smiles and says, "wow, cool, that's amazing!"
The employee then says, "Go ahead pull on the left leg." So the man pulls on the parrots left leg. The parrot says, "Hola como estas?"
The man was so excited and overwhelmed and he says, "wow that is the coolest thing I've ever seen! Please you've got to tell me what happens if I pull both of his legs?"
The parrot turns and looks at the man and says, "Pues, I fall down pendejo!"
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THIS is TRUE....
DUMBER: Carl Wiley, 36, on trial in Lubbock, Texas, for aggravated assault, couldn't keep his mouth shut. Ignoring orders from the judge -- and his own mother -- to be quiet, Wiley ranted for at least 20 minutes. "The judge gave him lots of leeway," said the prosecutor, but "he continually bad-mouthed and mouthed off to the judge" and his own lawyer. Finally, District Judge Jim Bob Darnell had enough and ordered deputies to use duct tape to seal Wiley's mouth closed. (Lubbock Avalanche-Journal)
...Finally: a good use for all the rolls of duct tape everyone bought.
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DUMBEST: Leonard Garland and David DeCristofaro, both 20, saw a lot of cars parked on a street in Ashland, Mass. Figuring it was a party they "crashed" it. Indeed there was a party and, witnesses say, Garland asked one of the hosts if he wanted to "get high". The host asked if he had something to get high with, and Garland and DeCristofaro produced psychedelic mushrooms and cocaine. They also chatted about a local "jerk" narcotics cop, Matt Gutwill, who the duo didn't like because he was so effective at arresting drug dealers. It was about then that the host identified himself -- as narcotics officer Matt Gutwill -- and arrested them. "The look on their faces was like they saw death knocking on their door," said Gutwill, who was wearing a sweatshirt emblazoned with "Burlington Police Academy" at the time. It wasn't difficult to detain the two men: most of the 20 people at the party were cops. "I've met a lot of dumb drug dealers," Gutwill said later, "but none this dumb." (Framingham Metrowest Daily News)
...Then maybe you're not invited to the right parties.
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IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED: In 1988, real estate agent Paul Aladdin Alarab, 44, was performing a social protest by hanging from a rope tied to the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, Calif., when he accidentally fell off. He survived. When the war against Iraq began, Alarab again headed to the bridge with his rope to protest. As police officers scrambled to get him off the bridge, he let go of the rope. This time he didn't survive. Police are calling the result a suicide, but friends say Alarab wasn't suicidal because he just got custody of his young daughters, and probably thought he could survive the fall again. In 1988 Alarab said he "was praying for God to give me another chance" as he fell. (San Francisco Chronicle)
...Character isn't defined by the chances you take, but by how you make use of the chances you get.
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TRY, TRY AGAIN: Employees of the Washington State Grange arrived at work to find a man had chained himself to the front door of the Grange building to protest the war in Iraq. Jody Mason, who had been there for 18 hours, thought it was a federal building, but the Grange is a non-profit organization that serves rural areas. Mason had forgotten to bring a key to his padlock, so police used a bolt cutter to free him and sent him on his way. But Mason was arrested the next day after he found the federal building and chained himself to its door. (The Olympian)
...I wonder how many of the protestors would be able to find Iraq on an unmarked map?
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ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD: "Police Say Man Who Swallowed $37,500 Gem Has Yielded Loot"
-- Chicago Tribune headline
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FIRST DATES
WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
POLISH WOMEN:
First Date: You pick her up, she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.
CHINESE WOMEN: First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner, Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
LATIN WOMEN: First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.
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DDL
A sculptor remarked, "I'm afraid
I have fallen in love with my trade.
I'm too much elated
With what I've created,
And, chiefly, the women I've made."
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How do you break up an Iraqie bingo game?
Yell out B-52.
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A fart is a muted cry for help from an imprisoned turd.
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Two dyslexic bank robbers walk into a bank shouting: "Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a fuckup!"
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Rotten News... (true)
Wed, February 19, 2003
Genie 'circumcises' Indonesian toddler
JAKARTA, Indonesia (AP) - A suspected genie circumcised a 10-month-old baby on Indonesia's Java island while his mother was cooking breakfast, state news agency Antara reported Thursday.
The report did not say whether the toddler, Riyan Abdullah, experienced any complications as a result of the operation, which allegedly took place early Wednesday close to the town of Tasikmalaya, 400 kilometres southeast of Jakarta, the agency reported.
"When I heard Riyan crying, I went straight to his bedroom and couldn't believe what my eyes saw," Riyan's mother, identified only as Ineng, told Antara. "He had been circumcised."
The family immediately suspected it was the work of a genie, belief in which is widespread in Indonesia. They summoned a local paranormal to the house who confirmed their suspicions, the report said.
More than 90 per cent of Indonesia's 210 million are Muslim, though many still believe in sprits and the unseen world. According to Islamic tradition, Indonesian boys are normally circumcised, usually when they reach the age of six or seven.
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Hero Bird's Evidence Lands Murderer Behind Bars
Feb 19, 10:02 am ET
DALLAS (Reuters) - A hero cockatoo slain trying to protect its master from knife-wielding assailants proved the star witness in the trial of one of its owner's killers.
Daniel Torres was found guilty on Tuesday of murdering Kevin Butler. Prosecutors have said DNA evidence extracted from the bird's beak as well as blood trails caused when the bird violently pecked the assailants were key pieces of evidence that led to the conviction.
According to evidence presented in court, Torres and another suspect, who has yet to stand trial, broke into Butler's home. During a struggle in Butler's living room, the white-crested cockatoo named Bird after basketball great Larry Bird, swooped down on the attackers, clawed at their skin and pecked at their heads, said prosecutor George West.
West has said blood found in Bird's beak and at the scene of the crime linked Torres to the murder.
Bird may have wounded Torres, but the protective parrot-relative paid the price for trying to take on two armed foes. Bird has its leg cut off and was found dead in the kitchen of Butler's home -- apparently stabbed to death by a fork in the back.
It took a Dallas jury less than an hour to find Torres guilty. He was sentenced to life in prison.
A white-crested cockatoo stands about 18 inches to 20 inches (46 cm to 51 cm) tall and has a beak powerful enough to snap thin tree branches, according to pet dealers.
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The 101 Dumbest Moments in Business
A second instalment of our third annual send-up of the most ill-conceived, embarrassing, and downright appalling developments of the past year.
By Mark Athitakis, April 2003 Issue
11 Whiffed pitch No. 2: swiping your competitor's idea and completely screwing it up.
In an attempt to blunt Apple's (AAPL) "Switch" campaign, Microsoft posts a page on its website, titled "Confessions of a Mac to PC Convert," featuring a woman touting the Windows XP operating system. It's soon revealed, however, that the woman pictured is a model and the touting comes from a freelance writer paid by Gates & Co.
12 That's not to say we think you actually ate the seat.
"If you consume more than one seat, you will be charged for more than one seat."
- Southwest Airlines (LUV) spokeswoman Beth Harbin, explaining the company's policy requiring "persons of size" to pay double the normal fare
13 To which Will & Grace's writing staff collectively enthuses: "Finally, something to work with besides butt size, alcoholism, and Cher!"
Out-of-work ex-Disney president Michael Ovitz, in what is presumably part of an attempt to rehabilitate his tarnished image, tells Vanity Fair that he has been the unwitting victim of a dastardly Hollywood "gay mafia" that's out to "eliminate" him.
14 Michael Ovitz is interested in buying one. Just don't tell him about the "Chinese health balls."
Nokia (NOK) subsidiary Vertu launches a line of high-end cell phones built out of precious metals like gold and platinum, with prices ranging from $4,900 to nearly $20,000. "This is an experiment in exquisite design and craftsmanship," designer Frank Nuovo explains. "There's a size-to-proportion balance that has a calming effect, like Chinese health balls."
15, 16, 17 Nervous about that impending perp walk? Take these tips from the pros ...
John Rigas, CEO, Adelphia Communications: Look sharp. Cultivate a man-of-the-people image. Have an assistant pick up something special at Goodwill.
Samuel Waksal, CEO, ImClone Systems (IMCL): Be prepared. Clutch that all-important Fifth Amendment crib sheet firmly in your left hand, leaving the right hand free for the shackles of injustice.
David Myers, Controller, WorldCom: Find your happy place. Remember, in difficult moments like these, a little Xanax goes a long way.
18 Now the cat umbrella stand, that's stupid.
"It's not just some stupid dog umbrella stand. It's a very unique, beautiful piece."
- Wendy Valliere, interior designer to indicted Tyco (TYC) CEO Dennis Kozlowski, describing the $15,000 antique that Kozlowski allegedly charged to the company
19 To: Dean Kamen. Re: Vibrating Segway?
Shortly after Mattel (MAT) releases its Nimbus 2000 broom as part of its line of Harry Potter toys, the vibrating device begins getting the wrong sort of customer raves. "I'm 32 and enjoy riding the broom as much as my 7-year-old," says one enthusiastic mother on Amazon. "My only complaint is, I wish the batteries didn't run out quite so quickly." Mattel stops making the toy, but denies that the unintended value-add is the reason. Says a spokesperson: "It's just not a continued product in our line."
20 That's OK. We heard they all had a nasty stain on them, anyway.
In April, Abercrombie & Fitch (ANF) starts selling a line of Asian-themed T-shirts with slogans like "Wong Brothers Laundry Service: Two Wongs Can Make It White." After a firestorm of outraged complaints, A&F pulls the line. "We thought everyone would love this T-shirt," A&F spokesman Hampton Carney says. "We are truly and deeply sorry."