Daily Dose - 030505 - getting fat, THIS is TRUE, smoke's bothering me, fooling around, DDL, Rotten News
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy"
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
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THIS is TRUE....
WORLDLY: A survey of Canadian citizens found only 16 percent could think of the name of the Canadian space agency, which is known officially as ...well... the Canadian Space Agency. Agency head Paul Engel looked at the bright side of the results, noting that two years ago only 12 percent could think of the name. "So, if it's 16 right now, that's even better for us," Engel said. "That's really good." Engel cited many advances from the country's space program, such as improvements in robotics, weather forecasting, communications, and pharmaceuticals. (Canadian Press)
...To increase name recognition to 100 percent, they'd have to improve hockey pucks.
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WE WILL BURRO YOU: "The name of this company is shocking to me," said City Councilman Joe Powell during a council meeting in Tuscaloosa, Ala. "It disturbs me that any cuss words can be used without any legitimacy and licensed by the city," he said, referring to a new Bad Ass Coffee Shop opening in town. The multi-state chain's logo includes a donkey. Powell considers the name "morally questionable." (Tuscaloosa News)
...In addition to "donkey", the word also means "A vain, self-important, silly, or aggressively stupid person", which fits Powell to a T.
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NIFTY NOMENCLATURE II: "People really like the name," says Bob Potter, owner of a small chain of Mexican food restaurants called C.O. Jones, home of "ballsy Mexican cuisine". The name is "a great marketing tool," he says. But when Potter tried to open a new outlet in West Hartford, Conn., local officials vetoed the name after realizing "cojones" is Spanish slang for "testicles". Rob Rowlson, West Hartford's business development officer, says the name "was just not appropriate for the standards this community espouses." Potter is searching for a new name, but in the meantime the new outlet will simply be known as "Mexican Restaurant". (Hartford Courant)
...To get there, turn south at the Hooters.
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PATERNALISTIC CONDESCENSION (PC): Local councils across Britain have ordered schools to not serve hot cross buns for Easter to avoid offending non-Christians. One London-area council said there had been "a lot" of complaints about the ecclesiastical pastries, but when pressed could not come up with an actual number. A spokesman for the Muslim Council of Britain called the ban "very, very bizarre," noting that "British Muslims are very concerned about the upcoming war with Iraq and are hardly going to be taken aback by a hot cross bun." The buns date back more than 2000 years and came out of pagan tradition. (London Telegraph)
...How come the PC squads never consider the offense their actions cause people of common sense?
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FREE TO A GOOD HOME: "Woman Tries to Give Away Dad on Internet"
-- AP headline
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Uncle Larry Reeb said he was smoking in a restaurant the other day when a guy came up to him and said, "That smoke's bothering me."
Larry said, "Well, it's killing me. If I don't care about what it's doing to me, why would I give a shit what it's doing to you?"
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The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"
"Oh, no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.
The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her!"
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DDL
A sultan named Abou bin Adhem,
Thus cautioned a travelling madam,
"I suffer from crabs
As do many A-rabs,"
"It's alright," said the madam, "I've had 'em."
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The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you'll know when to cringe next time.
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Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
-Author Unknown
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WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines
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Rotten News... (true)
The 101 Dumbest Moments in Business
The first installment of our third annual send-up of the most ill-conceived, embarrassing, and downright appalling developments of the past year.
By Mark Athitakis, April 2003 Issue
1 Whiffed pitch No. 1: naked grannies.
Six months after Midas (MDS) hires marketing firm Cliff Freeman & Partners, lauding its "strategic insight into our business," that insight shows itself in the form of a TV ad featuring an elderly woman in a Midas shop. Told of the company's lifetime guarantee, the woman rips open her blouse and asks, "So what can you do with these?" Strategically and insightfully, the ad is quickly pulled.
2 Law-sooooooooooot!
Wylie Gustafson, better known as the yodeler featured in Yahoo ads, sues the company for $5 million, saying he was paid only for limited use. Yahoo (YHOO) settles for an undisclosed sum.
3 What the hell. It worked with that Chaucer term paper they "wrote" in college.
After hyping its new disposable cell phone as "innovative" and "technologically advanced," Hop-On (HPON) sends a sample to a San Francisco Chronicle reporter, who cracks open the casing to uncover the phone's "revolutionary" secret: Nokia parts. The company explains that it had run into glitches and had missed its deadline.
4 As for what's in it, we're guessing Nokia parts.
In an attempt to show that, no, really, they're serious about this cloning thing, Clonaid sells the RMX 2010, a $9,220 contraption that ... well, nobody's quite sure what it does. To help clarify the matter, Clonaid lends one to a British science museum -- under strict orders not to open it to find out what's inside.
5 Celebrating the can-do spirit that continues to make American capitalism the envy of the world.
At a developers conference in September, Microsoft (MSFT) senior vice president Brian Valentine describes the state of the art in OS security: "Every operating system out there is about equal.... We all suck."
6 Timmy can have his juice box when Timmy starts hitting his productivity targets.
Soon after a summer stock plunge, Chris Whittle, CEO of Edison Schools (EDSN), suggests a unique solution to stanch his company's bleeding: Have Edison students put in an hour of free work per day.
7 $23.4 billion, that's a big number. Big numbers are good, right?
"We built a good company ... with a bad balance sheet."
- Barclay Knapp, CEO of telecommunications firm NTL (NTLI), shortly before filing for bankruptcy; the company's debts totaled nearly $23.4 billion
8 Milton Friedman declined to comment.
In October, employees at a floundering car plant in Romania announce that they've arrived at a method to erase the company's $20 million debt: Donate their sperm and give the proceeds to their employer. One report estimates that each employee would have to, er, donate to the cause 400 times. "[Management] told us to come up with a solution," says a union spokesperson. "Now we've found one that even the best economists never thought of."
9 Because nobody understands 12-year-old girls quite like a cattle rancher.
The National Cattlemen's Beef Assn. launches www.cool-2b-real.com, a site designed to "steer" young girls away from vegetarianism. Featuring enlightening articles and insightful quizzes ("What type of beef do you most like to eat with your friends?"), the tweener-empowerment site also has recipes for snacks like Easy Beef Chili, Nacho Beef Dip, and Beef on Bamboo.
10 And there's another €5,000 in it if you can somehow work in strudel.
In December, German real estate tycoon Rolf Eden, 72, announces that he is willing to pay €125,000 to any woman who can kill him through sexual intercourse, saying he plans to fly interested women to his home in Berlin for a trial run. "I don't care why they make love to me," Eden says, "as long as I have my fun."
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Jerry Lewis 'Irate' Over KROQ Radio Hoax With Chirac
DJ Impersonates Actor For Five Minutes
POSTED: 8:00 a.m. PST March 21, 2003
LOS ANGELES -- Jerry Lewis is considering legal action against a radio station whose disc jockey impersonated the comedian in a conversation with French President Jacques Chirac, his attorney said.
A disc jockey for KROQ 106.7's "Kevin and Bean Show" called Chirac last week posing as Lewis and held a five-minute phone conversation with the French president in which the pair discussed the war in Iraq.
"He's irate about it," said Alan Isaacman, an attorney for Lewis. "That caused Mr. Lewis great damage. It's a terrible thing to do at this time of crisis in our nation's foreign policy."
Isaacman said he sent a letter to the radio station and its owners, Viacom, and subsidiary Infinity Broadcasting Co., complaining that Lewis' name and voice were unlawfully appropriated to obtain an interview by deception.
He told EW.com, the Web site for Entertainment Weekly that Lewis was considering legal action.
The station did not return a message Thursday seeking comment.
According to EW.com, which obtained a tape of the phone call, Chirac told the disc jockey Ralph Garman that he recognized his voice as Lewis' and went on to discuss why he opposed military action against Iraq.
"The resolution (Bush) wanted to send (to the United Nations) a few days ago says (Iraq) has one week before the attack, and that is not reasonable, you know," Chirac said. He invited the man he believed was Lewis to visit him in Paris.
"Understand one thing: France and I will always be friends with America, even if we have two different views of this problem," he said.
The American comedian is widely popular in France.
"The French people appreciate his professional accomplishments and humanitarian contributions," Isaacman said. "Something like that could easily be misunderstood."
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Suing stripper gets whiff of enhanced assets
[Sydney, February 10] - A stripper who is famous for streaking across the Melbourne Cricket Ground 14 years ago is suing her cosmetic surgeon - for an operation she says left her with smelly breasts.
The Supreme Court in Sydney granted Brenda Knowles, 40, an extension of time to sue Dr Warwick Harper for procedures she said had turned her from a consummate professional into a woman who was reluctant to take her clothes off.
Knowles told Australia's AAP news agency she had been a porn star and had had her own strip show until breast-enhancement operations in 1992 and 1995 left her star features "deformed, ugly and rippled".
The mother-of-two claims her career came to a shuddering halt when her breasts began giving off a smelly and offensive discharge.
[Sapa-DPA]