Daily Dose - 030428 - Signs, This Is True, Harvard Study, DDL, Rotten news

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN?

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

____________________________

THIS is TRUE....

ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT: Genetta Johnson's sister-in-law died in a fire -- her Tinley Park, Ill., house didn't have smoke arms. Across town just two days later, Johnson's seven children and grandchildren, who are normally "very hyper kids," mysteriously "started to complain of headaches and they fell asleep." Then the five adults in the house all started feeling sleepy and sick, with pounding heads and racing hearts. For over two hours, the household carbon monoxide detector was alerting to high levels of the deadly gas, but they ignored it. Realizing she was losing consciousness, Johnson finally called 911; all 12 people in the house needed hospital treatment for CO exposure. Fire Commissioner James Joyce gave Johnson a "citizen's award" to praise her actions. "We are so proud that she was alert and smart enough to get her family out," he said. (Tinley Park Daily Southtown)
...What's the difference between pride and disgust? Five minutes.

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EQUAL OPPORTUNITY: Faced with a heavy snowfall, Crystal Lynn, 35, of Kent, Ohio, built a snow man in front of her home. Well, actually, it was a snow woman -- the crowning finish was a pair of snow breasts. Within five minutes, a police officer arrived in response to an anonymous man's complaint of an "inappropriate snow figure". The officer "said that I should cut off her breasts, but I said no woman wants that," Lynn said. Police deny that they told her to change her creation. "We were treating it almost as a neighborhood domestic situation," a police captain said, adding such calls "aren't one of our higher priorities." Lynn said the encounter was insulting. "It's just snow," she said. (Akron Beacon Journal)
...It all depends on where you place the snowballs.

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CONSTRICTING PUPILS: School administrators in England are tired of parents taking children out of school for a vacation or a day of skiing. "We think that is totally wrong," says Education Minister Ivan Lewis. "Truancy is not acceptable for whatever reason." Thirteen parents have been summoned to a new "truancy court" in Essex. Lewis notes a new poll taken by the Department for Education and Skills shows only 13 percent of parents would "never consider taking my children away on holiday during term time." (London Observer)
...Thus the question becomes: is it the parents or the schools who are out of touch?

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THE AGONY OF DEFEAT: Nebraska's Wesleyan University has held its "Rat Olympics" since 1974, the culmination of its Behavioral Learning Principles psychology class. But in 1999, the U.S. Congress passed a law giving the U.S. Olympic Committee exclusive U.S. trademark rights to the word "Olympic" for "any theatrical exhibition, athletic performance or competition," the USOC says. An exemption was made for the "Special Olympics", but the USOC has demanded the university stop its decades-old tradition -- or at least rename it. A university spokeswoman says they'll rename it. (Lincoln Journal Star)
...Considering the scandals around the real Olympics, people could indeed be confused by "Rat Olympics".

**********

GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS: "Police: Body Cavity Search Reveals Crack"
-- La Crosse (Wisc.) Tribune headline

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Harvard Study Confirms Most European Intellectuals Are Just Plain Stupid (OK, so this is a joke..., isn't it?)

Cambridge, MA - The results of a two-year study of IQ levels among European intellectuals conducted by Harvard University's Center for the Study of Psychometrics has produced some interesting results said Dr. Morris T. Wilson, director of the study and one of the world's leading experts on the assessment of intelligence.

"What we've found is that most self-pronounced European intellectuals are about as bright as a burned out light bulb sitting in a vat of molasses," said Dr. Wilson at a press conference today. "You know the old statistic about 35% of American teenagers not being able to find Mexico on a map? Well, these Euro-Intellectuals can't even find the map."

Among the study's more interesting findings are the following IQ levels: 65 for German author Guenter Grass; 72 for French philosopher Jacques Derrida, and a combined IQ level of 28 for the entire faculty of the Sorbonne.

"We're really surprised that some of these guys can walk in an upright position," Dr. Wilson added. "We did discover additionally that Guenter Grass' novels are just German translations of the Dr. Seuss books, and Jacques Derrida's works on deconstructivist philosophy are actually written by a group of chimps in a room randomly pecking at typewriters."

Dr. Wilson started to chuckle and then added, "But the best one was when the faculty of the Sorbonne scored lower than a rafter of turkeys in the 'Smart Enough to Get Out of the Rain' test. Jeesh, those Frogs are dim-witted."

_ by William Grim © Copyright 2003 Broken Newz

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DDL

You Women's Lib gals won't agree,
But dependent on men you must be.
You'll still need a him
With a rod firm and trim,
To puggle your water-drains free!

__________________________________

I'll never forget that horrible evening I took my grandmother to the emergency room. And after an hour of pacing the doctor said, "Emo, your grandmother is on an artificial life support system. Although her brain is dead, her heart is still beating."

I said, "Oh my God, we've never had a Democrat in the family before."

-- Emo Phillips

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"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

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NEW PASTA DIET

Just walk pasta bakery without stopping.
Walk pasta candy store without stopping.
Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping.

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Rotten News... (true)

12/02/2003 10:34 - (SA)

Drunk downs battery acid

Phnom Penh - A Cambodian man is in a hospital after drinking battery acid given to him by his wife, reported the Khmer language newspaper Koh Santipheap on Wednesday.

Hong Bunrith invited five friends to his home in Battambang province, 300 kilometres northwest of Phnom Penh, on February 8. After polishing off the household wine stock, he commanded his wife Leang Kimleap to go buy more, said the newspaper.

When she said they had no money, he told her he would force her to borrow some to buy more alcohol.

"I told him there is no more wine to drink, there's only acid water. If you want to drink acid water, I'll give it to you," Kimleap told the newspaper.

The husband reportedly replied that he could drink any kind of water and if she did not give it to him, he would kick her until she died. His wife then fetched acid from a nearby battery and presented him with a full glass.

Bunrith sustained burns to his mouth, face and chest when he attempted to down the liquid. Kimleap then threw the half empty glass at him, it was reported.

The wife was said to be in police custody and will face charges. She told police her husband gambled and drank every day with his friends, beat her and destroyed their property. - Sapa-DP

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Dude, that's one bullet-riddled Dell
Lafayette bar owner arrested after four bullets fired into laptop computer

By Aimee Heckel, Camera Staff Writer
March 4, 2003

LAFAYETTE — George Doughty's computer will never crash again. It will never run again, either.

Doughty was jailed Sunday on suspicion of shooting his Dell computer four times with a revolver earlier that day in the middle of the Sportsman's Inn Bar and Restaurant.

He then allegedly hung the destroyed laptop on the wall "like a hunting trophy," said Lt. Rick Bashor with the Lafayette Police Department.

Doughty, 48, of Broomfield owns the Sportsman's Inn, 103 N. Public Road.

Around 10 a.m. Sunday, police said, Doughty entered the bar from his office, announced he was going to shoot his computer and returned to his office. After 30 minutes, police said, Doughty set his laptop on the floor 4 to 6 feet away from him, warned two customers at the bar to cover their ears and fired away. The computer took all the bullets. No one was injured.

"It's sort of funny, because everybody always threatens their computers," Bashor said, seconds before his own computer at the Lafayette police station froze.

But because Doughty is accused of putting the customers and bartender in danger, he was arrested on suspicion of felony menacing, reckless endangerment and the prohibited use of weapons. He was released Monday evening from the Boulder County Jail on a personal recognizance bond. His next court appearance is at 2 p.m. Wednesday.

Bashor said the last time he remembers a computer being held at gunpoint was about eight years ago when a man shot his computer with a rifle. The man's wife was moving out and wanted to take the computer, so the man shot it, Bashor said.

"This time was unique," Bashor said. "It was the first time someone shot a computer because he was upset with it."

In police reports, Doughty said that he realized afterward that he shouldn't have shot his Dell but that at the time it seemed appropriate.

He declined to comment Monday.

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Cologne Quarantine

SOUTH PHILADELPHIA-February 19, 2003 — A Saudi Arabian traveler sparked a scare at Philadelphia International Airport on Wednesday when he innocently sprayed three guards with cologne while trying to demonstrate that the liquid wasn't dangerous.

FBI spokeswoman Linda Vizi said the 22-year-old student was detained and questioned, then released hours later after chemical tests confirmed that the vapors were harmless.

"He was here legally. All his papers were in order. His flight plans were in order. No federal law was violated. He was released," Vizi said. "He missed his flight to Europe."

The incident, however, set the city's anti-terrorism machine into full gear. The three security screeners who were spritzed with the cologne as the student passed through a checkpoint at around 12:30 a.m. were rushed to Methodist Hospital.

Hospital officials, unsure whether they had a biological attack on their hands, ordered a full quarantine. Ambulances inbound to the emergency room were diverted to other hospitals. Patients and staff who had contact with the guards were quarantined for nearly three hours.

"We didn't know what the substance was," said hospital spokeswoman Nan Myers.

A fire department hazardous materials team finally gave the all-clear signal at around 4:30 a.m. after analyzing the cologne bottle.

Initially, even the screeners themselves didn't consider the incident worth reporting. The student, whose name was withheld by authorities, was allowed to pass through a security checkpoint unmolested, Vizi said. But moments later the screeners had second thoughts about the sweet-smelling spray, called the student back to the checkpoint and called in the police, she said.

Airport spokesman Mark Pesce said flights weren't disrupted by the incident, and no one was evacuated from the terminal.

Associated Press