Daily Dose - 030426 - Kids are great, THIS is TRUE, Stoli With A Twist, DDL, Rotten News
Kids are great
All in all, a better set of perceptions than we adults might have.
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
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On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
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A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
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A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."
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While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn..... and into the hole he gooooes."
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A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
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A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear"? With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear....
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THIS is TRUE....
PROPER PROCEDURE: Doctors in western England are perplexed over what to do about a 34-year-old patient. The unidentified man is convinced he is a hermaphrodite, even though examinations show he is a normal male who has fathered children. The man insisted the doctors do a Pap smear on him, and filed a formal complaint when they refused. A spokeswoman for one of the doctors says he would be "pleased to hear from anyone, medical or otherwise, who could teach him the correct way to carry out a cervical smear on a 34-year-old male." (London Telegraph)
...OK, but it may involve a power drill.
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NAAAAT A BELIEVER: Jehovah's Witness Kenneth Hawthorn was doorknocking -- proselytizing -- in rural Paracombe, South Australia, when he called on a farm. Ignoring the"Private -- Keep Out" sign, he pushed through a gate and was confronted by a 4-year-old ram by the name of "Shit for Brains". He tried to defend himself using a briefcase full of Bibles but was knocked down, fracturing his leg. Hawthorn sued the homeowners, Ronald and Julie Goldfinch, claiming the couple should have warned visitors the ram was a "dangerous and ferocious animal." He also named the Adelaide Congregation of Jehovah's Witnesses in the suit, claiming the church "failed to provide proper instructions about doorknocking in rural areas." He claims "his capacity to enjoy life has permanently diminished." (Melbourne Herald Sun)
..."And you shall slaughter the ram and shall take its blood and sprinkle it around on the altar." --Exodus 29:16
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WELL, THE MEETINGS ARE AWFULLY ORDERLY THESE DAYS: The Modesto (Calif.) City Council is debating whether council members should be allowed to carry guns to official meetings. The issue came up because one councilman is a retired sheriff's deputy, and has a right to carry a gun. "I'm an expert in firearms training," notes Councilman Will O'Bryant, who refuses to say whether or not he packs his gun to meetings. "I never comment on where I carry my weapon." Some have expressed concern that heated debates could lead to a shootout, but Councilwoman Janice Keating, who sits next to O'Bryant, isn't concerned. "We're from the Central Valley," she says. "Guns are like a way of life." (Modesto Bee)
...Besides, it's much more dangerous when the councilmen shoot off their mouths.
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OOH LA LA: "The city's broke, practically," says Soap Lake, Wash., Mayor Ken Lee. "We have no industry, no tax base. We need to do something." The "something" that's been approved by the city council is to build the Soap Lake version of the Eiffel Tower: a 60-foot-tall working Lava Lamp in the middle of town to attract tourists. But the town can't afford to build the monument to 1960s acid culture -- cost estimates range from $1 million to $25 million. The effort is being promoted by an organization called SoLa LaLa, short for "Soap Lake Lava Lamp". The director of the Grant County Economic Development Council calls the ode to the Lava Lamp, which was invented by a British nudist, "a fun idea, but we need someone with some capital who's willing to spend it." (Los Angeles Times)
...Easy: it'd make a terrific concept for a cell phone tower.
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THOUGH SEVERAL FANS DIED OF OLD AGE: "Rolling Stones Give Free Concert -- No One Killed"
-- Reuters headline
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Stoli With A Twist
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.
The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs..."
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DDL
There was a young man of Adair
Who thought he would diddle a mare.
He climbed up a ladder
And jolly well had her,
With his backside a-wave in the air.
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"It is now possible to protest in front of the White House by hiring a stand in. I am not making this up. You email this company on what issue you are mad about and they provide you with a sign and your own personalized protester to stand in front of the White House. Now how lazy is this generation? Isn't that the ultimate irony, you send somebody in your place to picket against cloning?"
--Jay Leno
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"When you're a parent you're a prisoner of war. You can't go anywhere without paying someone to come and look after your kids. In the old days, babysitters were paid about 50 cents an hour, and they'd steam clean the carpet and detail your car. Now they've got their own union. I couldn't afford it, so I asked my mother to come over. The sitters called her a scab and beat her up on the front lawn."
-Robert G. Lee
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"Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong."
--Oscar Wilde
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Rotten News... (true)
Tequila overflows, runs into Louisville sewer system
The Associated Press
Posted February 10, 2003
LOUISVILLE, KY. -- As much as 1,800 gallons of tequila spilled into the city sewer system Monday because of a worker's mistake in unloading a tanker truck at the Brown-Forman Distillery.
"As we were unloading a tanker truck of Pepe Lopez Tequila into our tanks before we bottle it, an employee tried to unload it into a tank that was already full," said Brown-Forman spokesman Phil Lynch said. "It was a simple case of human error."
Fire units were dispatched to the scene at 8:23 a.m. on the report of a hazardous materials incident because the tequila poured into the sewer system.
The booze overflowed at the rate of 100 gallons per minute, Lynch said, resulting in 1,500 to 1,800 gallons entering the sewer system. The fire department and officials with the Metropolitan Sewer District were called because of the flammability of the 80-proof Tequila, he said.
The alcohol was diluted with water. Lynch said the monetary loss was not immediately estimated.
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Valentine's card burglar sues police
By David Sapsted
(Filed: 29/01/2003)
A convicted burglar has been given legal aid to sue the police for sending him a Valentine's card last year. Gary Williams, who has a 12-year criminal record, was one of 10 known burglars and car criminals who received cards from Brighton police.
But when he opened the card, his girlfriend thought it must be from another woman. She was so cross that, before he could explain, she hurled an ashtray at him, and it went whistling past his head.
Williams, 26, will go to the High Court next month to seek a judicial review of the actions of Ken Jones, the chief constable of Sussex. He is seeking damages, arguing that the card was malicious and caused him distress.
Williams had just been released from a 13-month burglary conviction when the card arrived. Since 1990, he has had 17 convictions for offences such as theft, handling stolen goods, affray, assault, threatening behaviour, criminal damage and possessing ammunition without a certificate.
The cards, sent out to 10 repeat offenders aged 16-30, came in envelopes sealed with a lipstick kiss. Seval Javit, Williams's solicitor, confirmed that he was receiving legal aid but that the amount would not cover his entire costs.
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Epileptic rower can't get across ocean
Saturday, 8 February, 2003, 13:21 GMT
Pacific rower cheerful despite slow progress
A man trying to row solo across the Pacific says he is still on target to arrive in Australia in mid-2003, despite being stuck in mid-ocean in bad weather.
Andrew Halsey, a 45-year-old disabled Briton, made rowing history on Friday by covering the least distance in the most time in a boat.
He left Peru 72 days ago but is still 13,000 kilometres (8,000 miles) from his destination - no closer than on the day he embarked on his journey.
Mr Halsey - who suffers from epilepsy - is on his second attempt to row solo across the Pacific, and is caught in contrary winds and currents.
In a interview via satellite phone with the BBC's World Today Programme, he said even not advancing was hard work.
"You are rowing every day - it's not like you're just sitting here," he said.
"It's just that you have three forces all in opposing directions - it's very hard going."
But despite the adverse conditions, Mr Halsey said he still hoped to arrive in the Australian port of Brisbane by July.
He added that he was only 200 miles away from good rowing conditions, and remained optimistic.
"You can't row across an ocean and the first time you get a bit of bad weather say let's quit," he said.
"I've gone around the Galapagos Islands - so that's my warm-up lap done - and now I'm on my way."
Mr Halsey has travelled more than 3,700 kilometres since setting out from Peru.
He has had four epileptic seizures since his journey began, the Press Association news agency reported.
The previous record for the least distance covered in the most time in a rowing boat was held by another Briton - Peter Bird.
In 1993, he travelled 18 kilometres in one month during his journey.
During Mr Halsey's last attempt at crossing the Pacific in 2000, he came close to starvation and had to be rescued.