Daily Dose - 030423 - GAYEST JOKE IN THE WORLD, THIS is TRUE, crystal ball, legal name change, DDL, Rotten News

GAYEST JOKE IN THE WORLD

Three girls are walking through the desert, a blonde red head and brunnette, come across a genie. They ask the genie if they can have something to drink. The genie tells them to go down the slide and yell what drink they want and then they will land in a pool of it.

The red head goes down and yells "soda!!!!", so she lands in a pool of soda.

The brunnette goes down and yells "lemonade!!!!!!", so she lands in a pool of lemonade.

The Blonde goes down and yells "weeee!!!!!!!!!"...........

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THIS is TRUE....

WHERE TO? Travel agencies are reporting that they're getting a significant number of requests from travelers who want to sightsee in "Middle Earth" locations such as Mordor and Rivendell. Those are fictional locations in the "Lord of the Rings" movies. In the films, Mordor is occupied by forces of darkness; Rivendell is where elves live. The scenes for those locations were shot in national parks in New Zealand. (New Zealand Press Association)
...Which information then leads to the inevitable reply, "New Zealand? Never heard of it."

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DISPATCH FROM THE WAR FRONT: A clerk at the E-Z Food Store in Ft. Worth, Texas, was scared when someone wearing a mask and carrying a gun rushed into the store. Bao Nguyen, 28, the son of the store's owner, grabbed a gun and fired once, felling the intruder. "In my mind, I knew if I didn't shoot this person, they're going to shoot me first and then my dad," Nguyen said. Unfortunately, the intruder wasn't a robber, but rather an undercover narcotics policewoman who was trailing a suspect who had sold $20 worth of crack cocaine. Officer Lisa Ramsey, 40, was not wearing a bulletproof vest, and may be permanently paralyzed from the waist down. Nguyen was not charged with any crime. The store did not have a gun until the police advised them to get one. (Ft Worth Star-Telegram)
...More friendly fire in the War on Drugs.

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ANIMAL LOVER: Whenever Allison Adams, 23, finds an orphaned baby at her job with Wildlife Rescue of Austin (Texas) she takes care of it by keeping it warm and with her at all times. In her bra. "It's the easiest way to warm them up," she says. Her bra has been the temporary home to about 75 baby possums, squirrels, kittens and cottontail rabbits over the last few years. Possums are the easiest to deal with, she says. "They're used to being in a pouch with their mom." The only problem is that some animals "get grabby, and sometimes it's a little much." (Austin American-Statesman)
...Which is something most every woman has to deal with at some point.

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DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? Joann Zansky, 57, of West Easton, Penn., went to psychic Peaches Miller, who advised Zansky to buy several "magic wands". She says she was told the first one would help rid her of "negative thoughts". A second one would supposedly help Zansky's nephew. The third was to help Zansky's dead mother "get out of limbo and go to heaven." Total cost: $5,400. It was only then that Zansky started to think she "may" have been swindled, so she called her sister to ask what to do. Call the police, her sister said. "We're investigating," confirmed a Bethlehem Police spokesman, adding they aren't sure if any laws have been broken. "Possibly it is some violation of consumer fraud." (Easton Express-Times)
...Fraud? No way! The wands are obviously magical since her money's gone -- poof! -- just like that.

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AREN'T THEY ALL? "Workers Finish Boring Sewer Tunnel"
-- Atlanta Journal Constitution headline

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Amanpreet was at the county fair when he happened upon a fortune teller's tent. Thinking, "What the heck, it'll be good for a laugh or two," he dashed inside and sat down.

The fortune teller took his money, lowered the lights, and gazed into her crystal ball. "Ahhh," she said, "I see you are the father of two children!"

"Ha!" Lizard Pecker said, "That's what you think. I'm the father of THREE children."

The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

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"You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?" the judge asked.

"Yes, your honor."

The judge looked at the petition. "I can, ummm, see why, ummm, Mr. Leon . . . Shitferbrains, is it?"

"Yes, your honor, that's correct."

"And what do you want to change your name to, Mr., ummm, Shitferbrains?"

"Jim, your honor."

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DDL

There was a young fellow named Ades
Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
But sheep, little boys, whores,
And the knot holes in doors
Were by no means exempt from his raids.

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"There are two types of people--those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
--Frederick L Collins

***

"Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say, 'You've got something hanging out of your nose.' Hey, since I've got no shot at her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy."
--Michael Hayward

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Now I lay me down to sleep
a bottle of vodka at my feet
if I die before I wake
tell my children i drank it straight

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Rotten News... (true)

Koran to Be Translated Into Irish
Wed Mar 12, 7:52 AM ET

DUBLIN (Reuters) - Islam's holy book, the Koran, is to be translated into Irish in an ambitious project aimed at bringing Ireland's Gaelic-speaking and Muslim communities closer together, organizers said on Tuesday.

Lesley Carter of the Dublin-based Islamic Cultural Center, which will oversee the project, said the translation would benefit Irish-speakers from both cultures.

"There are a number of Muslims among the Irish-speaking community -- people who were born or reared here and learned Irish in school. And also for those (non-Muslims) who have an interest in Islam then the Koran will be available in the language they prefer," she said.

The Islamic community is currently the fastest-growing religious minority in Ireland, with around 18,000 Muslims living in the country -- most of them in the capital Dublin.

While the learning of Gaelic is compulsory in Irish schools, official figures estimate only around 70,000 people speak the language on a daily basis out of a population of nearly four million.

Carter acknowledged the plan could be problematic.

"It's an absolutely huge job. The difficult part will be getting translators, because we need people who have good Arabic and good Irish. We're doing it direct from Arabic to Irish -- rather than from English -- so we don't lose too much in translation," she said.

"It could take a few years, but no matter how long it takes, we'll get it done."

Mirza Sayeigh, chairman of the Dubai-based Al-Maktoum Foundation which set up the Islamic Cultural Center and a mosque in Dublin in 1996, would travel to Ireland to head a research committee on the project shortly, Carter added.

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Girl has rare fish odour disease
From correspondents in Madrid
March 13, 2003

SPANISH researchers have diagnosed a case of an extremely rare disease that makes people smell like fish.

The genetically inherited illness, trimethylaminuria, is also known as fish odour syndrome.

It means the liver cannot metabolise trimethylamine, a chemical produced by naturally occurring intestinal bacteria.

The substance is then expelled in urine, perspiration and other bodily secretions, causing a pungent smell.

There are probably no more than 200 documented cases around the world, and now a four-year-old girl in Spain has been diagnosed with it, said Ana Mazon Ramos, a microbiologist at the General Solchaga clinic in the northern city of Pamplona.

The Trimethylaminuria Foundation, a support group based in New York City, put the figure at about 300.

But many people who suspect they have the disease did not get tested, trying instead to diagnose and treat themselves, said the foundation's director, Sandy Gordon.

"Many become reclusive and incapable of seeking doctors who can help.

"We also have many people who never even try to get support because they fearfully refuse to identify themselves," Gordon said.

Mazon Ramos said the girl was Spain's first known case of the ailment, which has no known cure and was first detected in the 1970s.

One method of treatment is to limit the patient's intake of foods containing choline, a B vitamin that's a precursor of trimethylamine. They include egg yolk, liver, legumes and salt water fish.

There are also antibiotics designed to make the intestinal bacteria produce less trimethylamine.

Dr Ronald Chalmers, a metabolic disease specialist at St George's Hospital in London, said the disease was even rarer in children, and that adult patients sometimes needed counselling because they could be ostracised and experience low self-esteem.

"It really is very like the odor of decaying fish," he said. "It's a very powerful smell."

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Belgian has nine ops to look like Jackson

A Belgian man is about to have the last of nine operations which he hopes will make him look like Michael Jackson.

Emmanuel De Reyghere, 30, will have his nose reconstructed to make it look just like Jackson's.

Mr De Reyghere, from Zuienkerke, said: "It's the last surgery I need. The doctor will break my nose and rasp it to get a bone structure.

"Then my nose will be the same as Michael Jackson's. It'll be perfect."

Mr De Reyghere told Het Laatste Nieuws that he has few friends, and his girlfriend left him four years ago.

He said: "Some people spend their money on golf. I just spend all my money on making my face look like him.

"People recognise me. Two minutes after I walked into a pub, the owner put on a record of Michael Jackson.

"It's the biggest reward I can get. I'm very pleased with the body I have now."

Story filed: 11:18 Monday 17th March 2003