Daily Dose - 030421 - BLACK TESTICLES, THIS is TRUE, compliment, false teeth, DDL, Rotten News

BLACK TESTICLES

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was ndaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"

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THIS is TRUE.....

WORLD CLASS IDIOT: Raymond Poore, 43, called his wife of two weeks at work to say the dog had bitten him and he was going to kill it. She raced back to their mobile home in Winchester, Va., and found him dead. Not the dog, her husband -- investigators say Poore had apparently tried to beat the Shar-Pei to death with his shotgun, holding it by the barrel. The gun discharged, hitting him in the abdomen. The dog was still alive, but injured so badly it had to be destroyed. "I kept telling him, 'You shouldn't play rough with her'," Debbie Poore said. Poore's mother Marian Cloud said her son "was a very intelligent man, but he didn't always use his intelligence in the right way." (Washington Post)
...Like, say, to think.

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BIGGER IDIOT: When Heather Pebbles, 37, arrived at work at the Northville Township, Mich., Babies R Us store, she noticed a baby sitting alone in a car in the lot. The temperature: 9 degrees below freezing. Pebbles ran into the store and called the police, and then got on the store's loudspeaker to try to find the parents. The mother, who said the 10- week-old was "too heavy" to carry while shopping, was charged with misdemeanor neglect. Did the store give Pebbles the raise that a customer who witnessed the event suggested? Hardly. A store manager said Pebbles was wrong to "involve" the store. "That guest now has a negative impression of shopping with us," he told her. "We don't need the bad publicity." Outraged, Pebbles quit her job. (Detroit Free Press)
...If Babies R Us thinks saving an infant from hypothermia is "bad publicity", perhaps its customers should show them just how bad publicity can be.

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IDIOTIC WAR: Prosecutors in Chicago, Ill., have dropped felony drug charges against Jose Galvan, 43, and Juan Luna, 21. The two were arrested after police found 220 pounds of suspicious plants in the back of their pickup truck -- marijuana, police field tests declared. "These guys were treated like they were cartel drug traffickers," said their lawyer. They two were actually hauling hay from a dismantled Christmas manger scene at St. Wenceslaus Roman Catholic Church, where they are members. The men sat in jail for the four weeks it took for lab tests to confirm the plants were indeed hay, not pot. Even though they have now been exonerated, they remain in jail while officials confirm the men are legally in the U.S. (Chicago Sun Times)
...War on Drugs Rule No. 1: Guilty until proven innocent.

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IDIOTIC WAR II: A woman with incurable brain cancer presented Walgreen's Drug Store in Tacoma, Wash., with a refill prescription for her pain medication. The pharmacist called the Washington Medical Center to verify it, but was told the doctor was out -- so he called the police to report what he thought was a "faked" prescription. Shannon O'Brien, 35, was arrested even though she told the officer she had brain cancer and had a medical information card in her wallet. "They could have checked my records," she said. "I've had the same medicine every month." She was released hours later after her doctor confirmed the prescription, but she was required as a condition of her release to go to drug counseling. She is suing the store. (AP)
...Yet another civilian casualty of the War on Drugs.

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THE BETTER TO SEE YOU WITH, MY DEAR: "Mirror, Mirror under the Wall, Who's the Voyeur in the Next Stall?"
-- Tokyo Mainichi Daily News headline

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My wife always prided herself on her figure, but after giving birth to our second child, she began to worry about her weight.

One day she confessed she was concerned that I would want someone thinner. Doing my husbandly duty, I began to comfort her. "Honey," I said, "I love you for who you are. To be honest, I didn't even notice you'd gained weight."

She smiled, and I should have quit right there, because what I said next was, "In fact, you are the sexiest woman I ever laid LIES on."

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While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

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DDL

Teenage Joanie has arrogant airs,
And her favorite expression's "Who cares?!"
She is known for her lip
And is rumored to rip
All the DON'T REMOVE! tags from new chairs.

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"For others who may not know this: When the preacher says, 'You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the groom."
--David Gunter

***

"I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."
-Steven Wright

***

David's wife is mad at him, because he forgot her birthday.

Quick-witted, David says, "Sweetheart, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"

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Rotten News... (true)

Posted on Tue, Mar. 18, 2003

Tenn. Senate Acts Against Porn in Cars
Associated Press

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - Porn and driving don't mix - at least not in Tennessee.

The state Senate has voted unanimously to ban X-rated videos from cars and other vehicles if the television screens can be seen from the street.

Senator Mark Norris filed the legislation after getting a complaint from a constituent. The man said his daughters could see a sex tape being played in a van stopped at a red light. Many vehicles now have the option of being equipped with video players.

But the measure wouldn't outlaw all mobile red light districts. Porn fans could still watch sex tapes if their car windows are tinted or covered by shades.

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Seven deadly sins ice leaves church cold
Tue Mar 18, 3:26 PM ET

BERLIN (Reuters) - Catholic church leaders in Germany have responded icily to a range of ice creams named after the seven

deadly sins, accusing the makers of trifling with serious matters and courting controversy to boost sales.

"These sins are serious matters. We cannot support something which advocates turning away from God," said Manfred Nielen,

spokesman for the archbishopric of Hamburg.

Manfred Becker-Huberti from the archbishopric of Cologne agreed: "All they are trying to do is popularise something via

provocation," he said.

But Ute Sievert, spokeswoman for ice cream makers Langnese, a brand of Anglo-Dutch group Unilever, said the seven flavours

of envy, gluttony, greed, lust, pride, sloth and wrath did not endorse mortal sins.

"Our ice cream has nothing to do with religion. They're just seven great flavours of ice cream," she said.

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Thursday, 12 December, 2002, 17:02 GMT
Caffeine level matched '700 coffees'

A Leicestershire woman killed herself by consuming the caffeine equivalent of 700 cups of coffee, an inquest has heard.
Cecilia Jessop, 58, took hundreds of Pro Plus stimulant pills and washed them down with Red Bull energy drinks.

She was found by her husband surrounded by empty tablet capsules and drink cans.

She had more than seven times the lethal level of caffeine in her blood, the equivalent of more than 700 cups of strong

coffee.

The inquest in Loughborough was told Mrs Jessop's body was found beside two handwritten suicide notes at her home at Quorn

in September this year.

The hearing heard 100mg of caffeine per litre of blood can kill, but Mrs Jessop's reading was a massive 776mg.

Rutland and North Leicestershire coroner Trevor Kirkman, who on Thursday recorded a verdict of suicide on Mrs Jessop, said

it was an "absolutely tragic" case.

Pro Plus manufacturers Roche Holdings Ltd, declined to comment on the case, but warned other users against the dangers of

exceeding the stated dose.

A spokeswoman for Red Bull said the drink was a "safe product that has been sold for 15 years in over 70 countries".

She said: "There has never been any evidence linking it to harmful effects to consumers."