Daily Dose - 030420 - TAKING IT ALL BACK, BIZARRE NEWS, musical director, DDL, Rotten News
TAKING IT ALL BACK
It's 3am, and a man is driving his brand new BMW M3 down I80 at 120mph. He's two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around. There's no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, so he stops his car. Sure enough, there's a beautiful woman in the car, but she's bleeding to death.
The guy reckons " screw it" and rushes home to fetch a blanket. He gets back, puts the blanket on the back seat of his M3, and puts the woman on the blanket. He then rushes her to the hospital.
Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donates blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.
Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife. She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, she reaches into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar.
Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door, and asks" What are you doing?"
"I'm leaving you," she says.
"Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere."
"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him.
"And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you're wearing? Everything, I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere"
"Fine," she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too.
"And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."
She looks at him, turns, whips out her tampon and says, "I'll pay you back in monthly installments."
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BIZARRE NEWS.....
Bizarre Love STORIES
Peter the Great had his wife's lover executed and his head put into a jar of alcohol. She had to keep it in her bedroom.
After having a two year affair with Catherine the Great, Gregory Aleksandrovich Potemkin remained a valued advisor to Catherine. He even helped her pick out future lovers.
Cleopatra married two of her brothers and was the mistress of both Caesar and Mark Antony.
Fernade Olivier lived with Picasso for seven years. They wanted to marry but Olivier couldn't find her estranged husband to divorce him. In the 1940's she found out he had died right after she met Picasso - 40 years earlier.
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Cocks Fight Against Cancer
BUTLER, Ga. - It's always a great gesture to host an event to raise money for cancer patients. Things like cancer walks, concerts and telethons have been helpful in collecting cash for important medical research.
However, a group of friends simply had the wrong idea when they attempted to gather funds for their cancer-stricken friend.
Fifty-two people were arrested on charges of aggravated cruelty to animals and gambling after the cockfight for cancer was held. While the group of men may have had the best of intentions, the fundraiser was illegal and no money was recovered.
The next time they try to gather cash for cancer, they'll be sure to use their minds instead of... you know.
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Roommate Gets Ripped Off
BERKSHIRE, England - When some people become angry or frustrated with themselves, they have the urge to pull out their hair. So, naturally, when they become angry with someone else, it's only fitting that they pull out that person's hair.
In an instance of messy housekeeping, a man ripped off the beard of one of his flatmates and punched another in the nose.
After a night out on the town and a few too many alcoholic beverages, Henry Willsher went nuts when he came back home and found his pad a mess. His rage caused him to punch his female roommate in the face and yank the beard off his buddy's visage.
Not a surprise, Willsher moved out the next day.
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Penis Keeps Man OUT of Jail
TORONTO, Canada - All too often we hear about men's penises getting them into trouble. In a turning of the tides, an accused rapist has his member to thank for getting his case dropped.
The alleged victim testified that she believed her assailant's penis was circumcised. To prove his innocence, the defendant had his wife take pictures of his pecker to show the jury that he, in fact, was not circumcised.
After the jury had seen the pictures, the prosecution no longer felt confident it could persuade a jury to convict him.
Needless to say, the result was a hung jury.
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Porn in the Classroom
KITSAP COUNTY, Wash. - A man who broke into a Washington state elementary school left more than just incriminating evidence behind.
Parents were outraged and disgusted to learn that someone had illegally entered a classroom, posted sexually graphic pictures on one wall, cut suggestive holes in a four-foot doll, and left a condom in the refrigerator.
Although detectives say a man who appeared to be around 20 years of age was seen in the area, no arrests have been made.
Community members couldn't believe someone spread porn where children might see. Others are wondering if anyone has claimed the porn yet.
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This Man Takes His Terror Warnings Seriously
Warnings from the Department of Homeland Security to get duct tape and plastic prompted a Connecticut man to wrap his entire house in plastic, according to Local reports.
Paul West bought hundreds of feet of plastic sheeting, batten boards, staple-guns, and ladders, to seal up his home.
"I just have all this energy from tension and anxiety and I don't know what to do with it," West said. "Basically, I'm doing what the government says we should. I may be doing it a little more energetically than some folks, but I'm trying to be pro-active rather than reactive. My wife's not happy, but she puts up with it."
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A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
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DDL
There once was a lady from Kent.
Who had ten men in her tent.
She said with dismay,
as they rolled in the hay,
What she had wasn't for sale, but for rent!
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"When you have a baby you have to clean up your act. You can't come in drunk and go, 'Hey, here's a little switch, Daddy's going to throw up on you.'"
--Robin Williams
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"I have a list I made when I was twelve of things I wanted to do before I die. Omigod...how embarrassing. Number One: Touch a boobie."
--Drew Carey
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"I have come to realize that we are all truly on our own. Today, my wife yelled, 'What do you want from me? I made you a bowl of cereal!'"
--Paul Alexander
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Rotten News... (true)
Monday February 24, 04:20 AM
What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
LONDON (Reuters) - What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? Listeners to a BBC Radio show were denied that knowledge after politically-correct producers edited out the entire joke, The Times reports.
But they did leave in an anti-British joke, spurring the red-faced presenter to pen a letter to listeners apologising for the unpatriotic slant of his show.
"I am sorry for the unmeant, unpatriotic insult to so many lovely, young British women," Ned Sherrin, presenter of Radio Four's Loose Ends wrote in a letter published in The Times.
The apology followed the following gag: "What do you call a pretty girl in London? A tourist."
Sherrin, 72, said the joke had Gallic origins. "They left in the French joke about British women and left out the attempt at Frog-bashing," he explained.
The French have become the butt of numerous jokes in recent days by U.S. media and British tabloids angered at President Jacques Chirac's insistence that further diplomacy precede any war against Iraq.
In Britain, the attack has been spearheaded by the right-leaning Sun, which has dubbed Chirac "Le Worm" and accused him of cowardice.
"I was amazed, annoyed and piqued," said Sherrin. "I'm sure they felt we'd upset the sensitivities of our gallant allies, the French, but why should we be sensitive about this in this day and age?"
And he circumvented his producers by cracking his gags to The Times.
Question: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? Answer: A salesman.
Question: What do you call 20 French politicians face down in the Channel? Answer: A start.
Question: What is the difference between a road accident involving a hedgehog and a Frenchman? Answer: There are skidmarks before the hedgehog.
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Tue, March 11, 2003
British civil servant wins tie discrimination claim
By Associated Press
LONDON (AP) -- A civil servant who objected to being forced to wear a tie won his claim of discrimination Tuesday.
Matthew Thompson, 32, argued that forcing men to wear neckties amounted to discrimination since women are allowed to report for work wearing T-shirts, for example.
Thompson had complained to an employment tribunal in Manchester about the new dress code, which came into effect last year at Jobcentre Plus, an employment office run by the Department of Work and Pensions.
"The ruling vindicates what we have been arguing for some time, that the draconian application of the dress code in Jobcentre Plus is discriminatory," he said.
"I'm now looking forward to resolving the issue with management and getting on with my job."
The Public and Commercial Services union, which supported Thompson, said the decision was a "victory for common sense" and it will raise several other similar complaints from civil servants with the relevant government departments.
The Department for Work and Pensions said it will appeal.
It says the dress code is part of a drive to provide improved services to the public. Staff give advice to job-seekers on how to dress for an interview so it was appropriate that they should be smartly dressed, the department says.
Thompson, however, said his job as an administrative assistant did not involve contact with the public.
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Oakland woman wins 'rock, scissors, paper' title
The Associated Press
Published: March 18, 2003, 06:12:00 AM PST
HEALDSBURG, Calif. (AP) - The game "Rock, Scissors, Paper" has settled countless childhood disputes. Now the game is determining who gets some serious cash.
About 120 enthusiasts of the game vied for the $1,000 prize at a contest Saturday in this town north of San Francisco.
"It's really about the mind games," said Doug Walker, co-president of the Toronto-based World Rock Scissors Paper Society, which sponsored the annual contest. "There's a lot of trash talking and mental intimidation."
It's all about subtle strategy, contestants said.
"Whenever you see a tense muscle, they're going rock," said Jeff Johnson, a salesman from nearby Santa Rosa. "If they looked relaxed, it's going to be paper."
The contest was billed as the second world championship, organizers said. The first one last year was in Toronto. A similar contest also was held at the Burning Man festival in the Nevada desert.
The $1,000 prize went to Ana Martinez, a 20-year-old student from Oakland whose rock smashed her opponent's scissors.