Daily Dose - 030419 - "W" CHEATED, THIS is TRUE, pretty whale, Oriental gong, DDL, Rotten News

Oldie - "W" CHEATED!

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things.

The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.

After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Soon, Al Gore returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes in again with none.

That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al and says, "Al, I think George W. is a low-life cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way.

The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Bill Clinton says to Al, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?"

"He sure is, Bill, he's cuttin' holes in the ice!"

________________________________

THIS is TRUE....

PLAY BALL! A soccer match in Witton Albion, outside Northwich, England, was called due to heavy fog. As the players filed into the dressing rooms it was discovered that one was missing. Stocksbridge Steele Goalkeeper Richard Siddall figured his team's offensive capabilities was keeping the action on the other end of the field. "I just stood there waiting for a player to come through the mist," he said. Ten minutes after the game was canceled, "it dawned on us that he must be still on the pitch," said Steele's manager Wayne Biggins. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
...No worries, blokes. In the States, many of our professional sportsmen are lost in fog even in broad daylight.

********

STUPID POLITICIAN TRICKS: "It was never my intention to run a dirty campaign," claims Roger Sherman, the campaign manager for Ed Thomas in his run for City Auditor of Denver, Colo. Sherman has announced he will release his hold on Internet domain names using Thomas' opponents names that he bought up before the opponents could get them. "Really, this was all just fun and games," Sherman says. Well, that and he wanted to "make it more difficult for [the opponents] to get their messages out" before the election, he admitted. Thomas says his campaign manager's release of the online addresses shows he is beginning his campaign "on a positive note." (Denver Rocky Mountain News)
...And with a strategy of limiting voters' access to the competition, let's hope it will end on a losing note.

********

STUPID POLITICIAN TRICKS II: When Fred Pettry ran for City Council in Charleston, W.Va., he listed his party affiliation as "Democart". He won anyway. Now that his term is up, the Democrat has filed his papers for re-election. Sure enough, he listed himself as a "Democart" again. Three others running for seats also spelled their party affiliation that way -- or as "Democrate". But fear not: opponents on the other side of the political fence also have difficulty spelling. Republican Al Carey said he was "kind of rushed -- I was trying to beat the deadline" when he listed his affiliation as "Repbulican". One of his party mates listed himself as a "Repucican". (AP)
...Of course these days, it's hard for anyone to tell the difference between the Republicrats and the Demoblicans.

********

WHO KNEW ANYONE WATCHED THAT SHOW? Singer Bobby Brown, 33, awaiting trial on a drunk driving charge, was ordered not to leave Georgia as a condition of his bail. State Court Judge Wayne M. Purdom was not amused when he learned that Brown appeared live on the American Music Awards show from California; he issued a warrant for Brown's arrest as a fugitive. Brown was being treated "like a dog on a leash" by his bail terms, said his lawyer, Xavier C. Dicks. "When you [are] an entertainer, you've got to perform sooner or later." (Atlanta Journal- Constitution)
...When you're an idiot, you've got to end up in jail sooner or later.

********

STOP THE PRESSES! "TV News Shows Some Restraint"
-- Philadelphia Daily News headline

______________________________

As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattooed on her abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," I commented.

With a smile, she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."

________________________________

Walking downtown one day, I noticed that a music store had just opened. Inside the shop, my attention was caught by a huge Oriental gong, and I went up to take a closer look. The gong was four feet in diameter. On a rope next to it hung a two-foot-long mallet with a top the size of a soft-ball. A piece of notebook paper bearing one word in large letters was taped to the center of the gong.

The word was "NO!"

_________________________________

DDL

There was a young fool name of Raines,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.

_________________________________

"I was so mean to my old boyfriend. He went to Co-dependents Anonymous, and I used to page him there."
--Mary O'Halloran

***

"I am heavily in debt. Right now my goal in life is to be broke. I want to get back to zero. Someday, I'm going to have nothing. I'll leave it to my kids. 'See this? None of this is all yours!'"
--Tom Ryan

_____________________________

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
The redneck jumped in the mud.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles was his sister

_________________________________

Rotten News... (true)

Cops Bust Cheesy Party
Last Update: 3/5/2003 3:55:47 PM

EASTVALE, Calif. - The cheese was their downfall.

Several citations were issued during the weekend to people authorities said were making and selling illegal bathtub cheese and unprocessed milk.

Sheriff's deputies and health officers responded after receiving complaints about a "Cheese Fiesta," said a sheriff's department spokesman.

The parties are unlicensed events where illegal sales of meat and unprocessed dairy products take place, he said. Cheese is often made in outdoor bathtubs.

Pajarete, or "leche caliente," is also sold. The drink is made from warm milk, sometimes laced with tequila or rum.

Citations were issued for the manufacture and sale of unprocessed milk and cheese, operating a food establishment without a permit and sales of alcohol without a permit.

- Riverside Press-Enterprise

********

Explosive messages for every war
From Glen Owen and Michael Evans
Our reporters with the 332nd Air Expeditionary Wing in the Gulf

THE message scrawled on the side of an American bunker-busting bomb being wheeled out into the desert was blunt: "Fuque the French" had been scrawled on the side by a member of the US Air Force.

Painting war graffiti and taunts on bombs and shells is one of the great traditions of warfare. But normally it is the enemy that is the target for the abuse, not a Nato ally.

However, senior American officers at this munitions plant in the desert — known colloquially as "Ammo country" — said the French gibe "crossed the line" of acceptability.

"I don't think that is necessary," said Chief Edwards, the plant's second in command. "France is still an ally."

But when the enemy is the target anything goes. In the First World War, the heaviest calibre artillery shells were often chalked with messages such as: "Present for the Kaiser". It was not only the troops who chalked on the messages. Many bombs coming off the production lines at home were inscribed before going to war zones.

Keith Miller, of the National Army Museum, said it was a tradition in every war. "The names have changed but the terms of abuse have remained as primitive as ever. It's not a sophisticated art form."

In the Second World War it was common to see "Up yours, Adolf". In the 1991 Gulf War, that was changed to "Up yours, Saddam".

In Vietnam, the Americans liked to use the slogan "Kilroy is here" — meaning simply that Kilroy, an archetypal American soldier, was everywhere, sorting out the world.

The missiles that rained down on Taleban and al-Qaeda targets last year bore messages remembering the September 11 attacks. "I Love New York," "Kill, kill, kill. This one's for New York," or, remembering the firefighters who died, simply: "FDNY".

********

Zoo workers keep poo bonus
March 14, 2003

MAINTENANCE workers at Taronga Zoo will keep their so-called poo allowance after the NSW Industrial Relations Commission agreed to uphold bonuses for doing dirty work.

Last July, zoo management stopped paying a daily bonus of $4.66 to workers who had to handle animal faeces, arguing the standing agreement related only to human excrement.

Maintenance workers responded by putting bans on animal waste removal while the Australian Workers Union (AWU) took up the fight in the industrial courts.

Deputy President Peter Sams today forced the zoo to pay workers the allowance whenever they had to handle animal or human waste.

AWU state secretary Russ Collison claimed the decision was a precedent for all public sector workers who handled animal waste.

"This is not pleasant work and it is appropriate that it is recognised as duties beyond the general," Mr Collison said. "I congratulate the AWU members for standing firm during this long-running stink."

The AWU said zoo keepers were on a different award but maintenance workers had received the bonus for many years and most of them would be eligible for it on a daily basis.

"They are not highly paid workers, so it does help," union spokesman Paul Howes said.

Comment was being sought from management at Taronga Zoo.

AAP