Daily Dose - 030416 - HARE KRISHNA SLAM, BIZARRE NEWS, Red Head, DDL, Rotten News
HARE KRISHNA SLAM
My brother was talking to one of the Hare Krishnas that used to rent the front shop from us (they're not allowed to work for money, just sell new age hippyshit, a religion that espouses capitalist laziness).
The Hare Krishna guy was starting to get used to my bro's pathalogical crudeness, thought he'd give it a go, said:
'It must be hard for a lonely single father to drive past those shetland ponies every day, they're just the right height to shag.'
My brother replied, 'It's pretty easy actually mate, see I got this possum skin hat at home, when I'm horny I jerk off into that.'
The Hare guy laughed, still not feeling the seafloor sloping down from under him - 'Why do you do that?'
Big bro' looked him in the eye - 'Because it reminds me of your beard.'
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BIZARRE NEWS.....
Worst Valentine's Day GREETINGS
Thinking of you sweetheart, which, technically, the court order can't prevent.
Just wanted to say "I love you" when I wasn't falling down drunk.
If only we weren't so closely related!
Just thinking of you while I am drunk and no one else will have sex with me.
You're too beautiful to resist, my under-the-ether dental patient.
The Medicated Shampoo Took Care of It.
I'll Give You Money To Have Sex With Me.
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Hubby Mummy
KASHIBA, Japan - It's one thing to mourn the death of a loved one and hope that some miracle will bring them back to life, but it's another thing to keep that person rotting in your house.
After a fire broke out at a home in Kashiba, Japan, firefighters found the badly decomposed body of a female tenant's husband ceremoniously laid out in a tatami-mat room near the entrance to the home. The 72-year-old wife, who lives with her 36-year-old daughter, made no efforts to conceal the body, for she believed his mummified corpse would return to life.
Authorities noted that the man had been dead for at least one month.
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Party Foul
LOUISVILLE, Ky. - It figures that you never have a saltshaker and a lime handy when you need them most.
During a routine unloading procedure, 1,800 gallons of tequila were spilled out into the streets of Louisville at the Brown-Forman Distillery. As the tanker truck of Pepe Lopez Tequila was being emptied, an employee tried to unload it into a tank that was already full.
To the dismay of nearby college students, the liquor poured into the city's sewer system, causing the fire department to respond due to the flammability of the 80 proof Tequila.
As a result, many worms were left homeless.
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Fruit Hold-Up
LYNCHBURG, Va. - In the heat of the moment, most convenience store clerks will willingly hand over the cash register to an armed thief before putting themselves in any real danger.
However, had they known that they were being threatened with produce, the money might have stayed in their possession.
After putting a banana in his pocket like a gun, Patrick Jason Mann entered the 7-Eleven store and robbed the clerk of a whole $10. Mann blamed his banana shenanigans and a previous burglary on his crack cocaine addiction.
Along with forcing him to fork over the ten bucks and the cash from his other robbery, the court ordered Mann to serve 18 months in prison and undergo substance abuse treatment.
Even though it was only a banana, the crook has no right to appeal.
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Goin' Down In A Blaze Of Glory
A man who was called to court for a trolley violation is currently hospitalized for treatment of burns after he set himself on fire.
After receiving his trial date the man walked into the lobby, drenched himself in gasoline and lit himself on fire. He then tried to run out of the building and was forced to the ground by two officers who wrapped him in a floor mat to put out the fire.
In addition to treatment for the burns the man will receive a psychiatric evaluation.
There was no damage to the courthouse.
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The Sleeping Bandit
FORT WORTH, Texas -- A man was arrested Saturday morning for breaking into a store that was owned by the wife of the county district attorney. They found him taking a nap in a store display.
Store employee Janie Sidener emptied the cash register when she closed the store Friday night. Upon returning to the store she noticed the change that was left in the register was scattered around the shop. Then she noticed someone had used the toilet without flushing and left a black pistol on the bathroom counter. It was then that she heard someone snoring in a bed that was part of a sales display.
Sidener called the police. They came and woke up the sleeping burglar.
His response was, "Hey, I was asleep!"
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Red Head
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "Let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"
" Well, there you have it!", the doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
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DDL
The man in the bar was real shrewd
Some may say a bit lewd
He reached out his mitts
Looking for tits
But discovered the chest of a dude.
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"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good for a while, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
--Mitch Hedberg
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"Imagine what it would be like if TV actually were good. It would be the end of everything we know."
--Marvin Minksy
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"The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone."
--Woody Allen
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Rotten News... (true)
'Pot Refugee' Seeks Political Asylum In Canada
POSTED: 1:06 p.m. EST March 6, 2003
VANCOUVER, British Columbia -- Steve Kubby is claiming to be a pot refugee. He's seeking political asylum in Canada, saying he'll be prosecuted for marijuana possession if he returns to California.
He says he needs to smoke dope at least once an hour, to control symptoms of a rare adrenal cancer.
The Canadian immigration official presiding over Kubby's hearing is sympathetic. Kubby is being give hourly joint breaks.
But Canadian federal prosecutors are challenging Kubby's refugee status. They say he's trying to avoid jail in California on a peyote conviction.
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School bans pigs stories
A West Yorkshire head teacher has banned books containing stories about pigs from the classroom in case they offend Muslim children. The literature has been removed from classes for under-sevens at Park Road Junior Infant and Nursery School in Batley.
Head Barbara Harris said the books would remain in the school library for children to read.
Sixty per cent of the school's pupils are of Pakistani or Indian origin and 99% of these pupils are Muslims.
Mrs Harris said in a statement: "Recently I have been aware of an occasion where young Muslim children in class were read stories about pigs. We try to be sensitive to the fact that for Muslims talk of pigs is offensive."
The head teacher sent a memo to staff saying fiction books containing stories about pigs should be removed from early years and key stage one classrooms.
Mrs Harris added: "The books remain in the school library and there is nothing to stop our younger children having stories such as 'The Three Little Pigs' in small groups."
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A Little Skin From Clinton Crony
Look, if you told us that a former Bill Clinton cabinet member was posing nude for a pin-up calendar, we'd be hard-pressed to pick which pol we'd most like to see in the buff. Reno? Albright? Shalala? Herman? All fine choices--va-va-va-voom--in more ways than one.
So imagine The Smoking Gun's disappointment when we learned that Robert Reich, who headed the Department of Labor, was the stripping Secretary.
Reich, the 4' 10" Democratic dynamo who was routed in last year's Massachusetts gubernatorial primary, posed last week for a 2004 calendar that will raise funds for a Cambridge community television group (the organization will begin selling the $15 item this summer).
But thanks to a carefully placed basket stuffed with lettuce and an erect baguette, the 57-year-old Reich, a Brandeis University professor, avoided, um, total disclosure.
We have to wonder what's next in the Clinton skin continuum. First, Al Gore slipped shirtless into that "Saturday Night Live" hot tub. Now Reich flashes some liberal beefcake. Can Hazel O'Leary's "Girls Gone Wild" appearance be far off?