Daily Dose - 030414 - EVIL AXIS WANNABEES, Bizarre News, Hangover, DDL, Rotten News
Axis of Just as Evil
by John Cleese (formerly of the UK's Monty Python comedy troupe)
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his 2002 State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil ... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils ... best at being evil ... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full", said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
"An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein.
"This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool".
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable".
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".
Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick".
"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most of the axis groupings, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
_____________________________
Bizarre News...
Bizarre Entertainment FACTS
Captain Jean-Luc Picard's fish was named Livingston.
Chocolate syrup was used for blood in the famous 45 second shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock's movie, Psycho, which actually took 7 days to shoot.
Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
George Harrison, with "My Sweet Lord," was the first Beatle to have a Number 1 hit single following the group's breakup.
In 1920, 57% of Hollywood movies billed the female star above the leading man. In 1990, only 18% had the leading lady given top billing.
In 1969, Midnight Cowboy became the first and only X-rated production to win the Academy Award for Best Picture. (Its rating has since been changed to R.)
In Disney's Fantasia, the Sorcerer's name is Yensid, which is Disney spelled backward.
Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison were all 27 years old when they died.
Mickey Mouse is known as 'Topolino' in Italy.
Movie detective Dirty Harry's badge number is 2211.
***********
Man Dies; Dog Arrested
TAIPEI, Taiwan - A suspect has been arrested in connection with the death of an 85-year-old man in Taiwan. After being admitted to a local hospital for treatment from a dog bite on his leg, the man fell off his bed and died.
As a result, police tracked down the perpetrator who caused the man's hospitalization in the first place. The family of the old man claimed that if it were not for the dog bite, the victim would not have checked into the facility and fallen off the bed.
However, since the dog was a stray and had no owner, an officer said they finally decided to arrest the dog pending further investigations before deciding what to do with it.
***********
Motorized Hot Seat Puts Man in Hot Water
NEW ZEALAND - No matter what country you're in, drinking and driving will get you in some serious trouble. Therefore, it wasn't surprising that John Sullivan landed himself in police custody following a stunt that involved him racing down a road on a motorized barstool after having "had a few."
As if a drunkard on an engine-equipped barstool wasn't enough of a sight, picture him near-naked with his ass on fire.
The flames came courtesy of one of Mr. Sullivan's party tricks that involved a rolled-up newspaper and a cigarette lighter. While the neighbors didn't think the stunt was so funny, two cops couldn't stop laughing.
Unlike most incidents of this sort, Sullivan never claimed he was simply mocking a stunt he saw on "Jackass."
************
Sex Game Gone Bad
EDMONTON, Alberta - A Canadian couple's fantasy went a little - well, a lot - out of control after local police got involved in the charade.
It started when a man called 911 and claimed he had been talking to the female half of the couple on the phone when she said someone had broken into her house and then the line went dead. Police went on a mad search and found the woman bound and naked in the back of a car with her alleged abductor outside.
The police would soon find out they had busted up the couple as they were in the midst of playing out their sexual fantasy.
Over all, 10 police units were involved. The couple was released from custody with a stern warning to "be more careful."
Obviously, they guy who called 911 didn't know what was going on.
************
An Out of This World Lawsuit
Taking reality TV to the twilight zone, the Sci-Fi Channel's new "Scare Tactics" uses hidden cameras to film reactions of unsuspecting witnesses to horror and science fiction scenarios, the Los Angeles Times reports.
It's not on the air yet but already the show has caused controversy. A lawsuit filed in Los Angeles Superior Court claims Kara Blanc suffered real-life trauma and was hospitalized from being exposed to a prank involving an "extraterrestrial murderer."
The lawsuit claims Blanc suffered emotional and physical trauma when show and coconspirators allegedly abducted her and forced her to witness a staged homicide by an "alien" she thought was real.
************
A Waste of a Valentine's Day
It was a dream Valentine's Day weekend for a South Yorkshire, England couple who won the local competition looking for the region's "Dirtiest Lovers."
The British Broadcasting Corp. says Wayne and Nikki Beazley started out with a Valentine's Day champagne lunch at one of Europe's largest sewage works.
The couple, together for 15 years and married for four, won the contest after taking a quiz about each other's toilet habits -- and no, we're not going to go there. Nikki Beazley, 29, a radiographer, said before lunch: "While many people dream of a romantic weekend overlooking the Seine in Paris, or a visit to Rome, I'll be spending Valentine's Day having a romantic drink next to a river of sewage."
______________________________
Hangover
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
______________________________
DDL
A quantum mechanic's vacation
Had his colleagues in dire consternation.
For while studies had shown
That his speed was well known,
His position was pure speculation.
_______________________________
"A man had a dog called Minton. One day Minton ate two shuttlecocks. When the owner found out he said bad Minton!"
-Dave Barry
***
"Consultants have credibility because they aren't dumb enough to work at your company."
-Scott Adams
***
"You know you're getting older when the first thing you do after eating is look for a place to lie down."
--Louie Anderson
______________________________
Rotten News... (true)
600 Injured Trying To Sacrifice Animals During Islamic Holiday
Posted: 3:12 p.m. EST February 11, 2003
Updated: 3:54 p.m. EST February 11, 2003
More than 600 Turks were injured in Istanbul as they tried to sacrifice bulls and other animals on the first day of the Islamic Eid al-Adha holiday Tuesday.
Muslims sacrifice cows, sheep, goats, camels or bulls, and give a share of the animal's meat to the poor during the four-day religious holiday.
However, at least 620 Turks at this year's holiday were treated for injuries after they either cut themselves or were stomped by animals during the sacrifices.
Scared bulls ran through neighborhoods for hours chased by their owners and teams of veterinarians armed with tranquilizer dart guns.
One bull reached Istanbul's main highway and caused a massive traffic jam before being hit by a car.
Since Monday, some several calls had been made to the escaped bull hotline set up by Istanbul's municipality to dispatch help.
*********
National guardman changed his name to a toy
Reported by Vic Gideon
POSTED: Tuesday, March 18, 2003 11:02:13 PM
CUYAHOGA FALLS -- A member of Ohio's 5694th National Guard Unit in Mansfield legally changed his name to a Transformers toy.
Optimus Prime is heading out to the Middle East with his guard unit on Wednesday to provide fire protection for airfields under combat.
"On Sunday, we were awarded as the best firefighting unit in the Army National Guard in the entire country," said Prime. "That was a big moment for us."
Prime took his name from the leader of the Autobots Transformers, which were popular toys and a children's cartoon in the 1980s.
He legally changed his name on his 30th birthday and now it's on everything from his driver's licence, to his military ID, to his uniform.
"They razzed me for three months to no end," said Prime. "They really dug into me about it."
"I got a letter from a general at the Pentagon when the name change went through and he says it was great to have the employ of the commander of the Autobots in the National Guard."
Prime says the toy actually filled a void in his life when it came out.
"My dad passed away the year before and I didn't have anybody really around, so I really latched onto him when i was a kid," he said.
**********
Thu, March 20, 2003
Man in laundromat dryer gives woman a start - he was just drying out
LAKE CARMEL, N.Y. (AP) - A woman with a load of laundry to wash thought she'd come upon the scene of a grisly crime when she saw a man's body in one of the coin-operated dryers, one leg sticking out through the door.
When Sgt. Ron Yeager arrived at the scene Sunday, he approached the dryer cautiously and called out. From inside the dryer, a sleepy voice responded.
The man, whose name was not released, told the sergeant he had been at a nearby pub the night before and was walking home when he stopped at the laundry to warm up. Apparently the large-capacity dryer looked inviting and he climbed in and nodded off. No charges were filed.
"It was just a guy who was sleeping in a dryer," Lt. Alex DiVernieri said Monday.