Daily Dose - 030413 - WOMEN TAKE NOTE, BIZARRE NEWS, Leave it to the little old ladies, DDL, Rotten News

WOMEN TAKE NOTE

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into the water. The Lord went down into the water and reappearedwith a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.

One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez, as beautiful as ever.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

Without a doubt, "Yes, my Lord" cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said 'yes' this time."

The moral of the story is: WHENEVER A MAN LIES, IT IS FOR AN HONORABLE AND USEFUL REASON............!!!!!

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BIZARRE NEWS......

Bizarre Statistical FACTS

There are 318,979,564,000 possible ways of playing just the first four moves on each side in a game of chess.

In the 1970 Census, the U.S. had 2,983 men who were already widowers at the age of foureen and 289 women, also at fourteen, who had already been widowed or divorced.

The second moste numerous of living things are mollusks - soft bodied animals with hard shells.

The total population of the Earth at the time of Julius Caesar was 150 million. The total population increase in two years on Earth today is 150 million.

People who have never married are 7.5 times more likely to be hospitalized in a state or community psychiatric facility than those who married.

[Thanks to Isaac Asimov's Book of Facts]

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Wang Gets Rid of the Balls

MICHIGAN - Many will agree that the punishment should always fit the crime. However, it's a nice consolation when the names fits instead.

Shuo-Shan Wang is heading to court after he botched a voluntary castration on his kitchen table.

Wang performed the procedure on a 48-year-old man who requested the services of the unlicensed surgeon. Police said the castrated man began bleeding uncontrollably, his jeans completely soaked as he sat on a curb. They later found the man's testicles in a jar in Wang's refrigerator.

In this case, should the punishment fit the crime, the prison system will have one Wang with no balls.

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Rectum? No, Just Embarrassed Him

ENGLAND - If you just so happen to catch yourself a painful case of hemorrhoids, one way not recommended by physicians to relieve the itching is by sticking a toothbrush up there.

A 69-year-old man thought that shoving the bristly appendage up his rectum would soothe his pain. Unfortunately, what resulted was a trip to the hospital and a procedure involving biopsy forceps after x-rays revealed that the toothbrush had become stuck in the man's pelvis.

So remember: Brushing regularly will prevent cavities, but brushing anal cavities will cause irregularities.

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Grade A+ Dork

MEMPHIS, Mich. - A case where credit was not given where it was due has a high school senior suing his school.

In order to bolster his chance at becoming valedictorian of his class, Brian Delekta is demanding that educators change the grade for his work-experience class from an A to an A+.

The plaintiff worked as a paralegal in his mother's law office, where she says her son fulfilled the district's work program requirements and performed professionally at work.

If the grade is not changed, Delekta might not become valedictorian and will always be remembered as the nerd who sued his school for an A+.

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Vampires Are Real(ly Lonely)

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. - He only goes by his vampire name, Lunadam, but he tells the Grand Rapids Press he's the real thing and there are many more like him -- unfortunately not in Grand Rapids.

"It's not something that you go, 'Hey, by the way, I'm a vampire,'" says the 34-year-old divorced father.

For most vampires, it's difficult to meet up with other vampires and juggle jobs, families and responsibilities. The Vampire Research Center in Babylon, N.Y., believes there up to 1,200 real, blood-sucking vampires worldwide, some 300 in North America and 10 or 12 in Michigan, the paper reported.

Spokesman Joel Martin says: "I'm not saying Grand Rapids is a hick town, but it's small enough that it's hard to find other members of this subculture. (But) if you can't find a vampire in Los Angeles, my God, something's wrong with you."

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Bicycle Boxing

FORT COLLINS, Colo. - As if teenagers weren't branded enough these days as being degenerate and stupid with stories about Jackass stunts gone wrong. This time, charges have been filed against a Colorado teenager accused of attacking bicyclists.

Termed "bicycle boxing," the teen and a couple of friends would drive behind unsuspecting bicyclists and hit them with a baseball bat.

Authorities said a 17-year-old boy has been charged with second-degree assault, reckless endangerment and underage consumption of alcohol.

Hopefully he can be sent to big boy jail where he gets to play another fun game called "Hide the Prison Sausage".

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Leave it to the little old ladies

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, the passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."

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DDL

There once was an old man named Saul,
Who picked up a young sexy doll.
He was trying his best,
When pain hit in his chest,
And the doll made a 911 call.

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"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
--Ashleigh Brilliant

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"I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in."
--Mick Miller

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"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life."
--George Carlin

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Rotten News... (true)

3 drown in a pit latrine
By Caroline Mango

Three men died at Kisumu Ndogo slum village in Kisauni, Mombasa, on Wednesday night when they tried to retrieve a mobile phone from a 40-feet pit latrine.

The three died at different intervals as they tried to recover the mobile phone worth Sh4,000 belonging to a woman who had dropped it accidentally into the latrine.

Mombasa acting police chief Njenga Kariuki confirmed the deaths of the three men whose bodies were transffered to Coast General Hospital mortuary.

The incident occurred at around 8.30pm.

Witnesses said it all started when a woman identified as Ms Dorah Mwambela went to relieve herself, dropping her telephone in the process. The woman is said to have screamed for help from villagers who arrived at the block.

The first victim, only identified as John, volunteered to help her retrieve it. He tried to climb down the latrine using a ladder but fell off, plunging 40 feet down.

His screams attracted his friend, the second victim identified as Kevin Wambua who told villagers that he could not watch his friend die.

However, Wambua's efforts to rescue his friend failed when he too slipped off the ladder and fell into the latrine as members of the public watched helplessly.

The third victim, Patrick Lukaha, who thought his brother was trapped inside the latrine, went to the rescue.

Luck was, however, not on his side for before he was halfway down the ladder, he too, slipped and went fell inside.

The bodies of the three who were in their early 20s were removed from the latrine at around 1.00am by the Fire Brigade.

The owner of the mobile phone, on realising that all the three men who had offered to help her perished in the bid, disappeared from the scene. The area chief, Victor Mwang'ombe, said the woman had visited a relative in a rented block.

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'Babyholic' mother's 15th child

Mrs Povey is now hoping for twins
A woman who has just given birth to her 15th child says she is now planning for number 16.
Sue Povey, a self-confessed "babyholic" who lives with her husband Ian and 13 of their children in a six-bedroom house, first became a mother in 1980.

Since then the couple, from Swindon in Wiltshire, have never gone much longer than two years between babies.

Isabelle, who weighed in at 6lb 15oz, is the latest addition.

Mrs Povey, 43, is now at home with the baby, while father Ian - a supply analyst, said his excitement at the birth of his 15th child was the same as his first.

"We're really, really pleased. A new birth is always exciting."

The couple now have nine girls and six boys.

"It's like a drug. I definitely want another one. I think having babies keeps me young."

Her 43-year-old husband said: "There's no stopping her now. But it's getting a bit tight on room.

"I don't know if we will set a limit - it's a bit early to say. But we can't go on forever. Nature will eventually take its course."

Isabelle was the first of their children to be born at Swindon's new Great Western Hospital but at the one it replaced, the Princess Margaret Hospital, the maternity ward was nicknamed The Povey Unit.

The couple's eldest daughter, Rebecca, 22, has her own home and a daughter Caitlin, two, while 20-year-old Hannah is at university.

But Charlotte, 18, Alex, 17, Christopher, 15, Michael, 13, Matthew, 12, Callum, 11, Thomas, 10, Katie, eight, Jessica, six, Abigail, four, Eleanor, three, and Emily, two, are all still at home.

The UK record for the most children is held by Margaret McNaught, from Birmingham, born in 1923, who had 22 children.

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"Bad Rope" Spoiled Romanian's Suicide
28/02/2003 06:28 AM
Reuters

A Romanian man plans to complain to consumer authorities about the poor quality of a rope he used in a failed attempt to hang himself, Romanian papers have reported.

"You can't even die in this country," 45-year-old Victor Dodoi was quoted as saying in the daily Adevarul.

The newspaper said Dodoi's relatives found him hanging from a tree in his garden and managed to cut the rope with a knife. He was taken by horse-drawn cart and then by ambulance to a hospital in the northern town of Botosani.

Dodoi said he would file a complaint with the Consumer Protection Authority about the quality of the rope, which was easily cut, as soon as he is released.