Daily Dose - 030409 - ADMIRAL CONFERENCE, BIZARRE NEWS, lawyer's wife,
DDL, Rotten News
ADMIRAL CONFERENCE
A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve. A few weeks ago, he was
attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies.
At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an
admiral from each of the two navies. The French admiral started complaining that
whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English.
He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather
than you have to speak French?"
Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied. "Maybe it is because we
arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German." The group became
silent.
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BIZARRE NEWS.......
Bizarre Salt FACTS
If the world's oceans evaporated, enough salt would be crystallized to cover Britain to
a depth of 50 miles.
Being hygroscopic, salt spread on dusty floors in equestrian centers and indoor arenas
retains moisture and keeps down dust.
Until recently, salt bars were the standard currency of Ethiopia.
In ancient Greece, slaves were traded for salt, hence the expression "not worth his
salt".
In his painting The Last Supper, Leonardo da Vinci put an over turned salt cellar in
front of the ill-fated Judas.
In old Japanese theatres, salt was sprinkled on the stage before performances to
prevent evil spirits from casting a spell on the actors and ruining the play.
In Arab countries salt was used to seal a bargain, and also as a sign of friendship.
The Druids used salt in their rituals at Stonehenge. It is thought that this was as a
symbol of the life-giving fruits of the earth.
*********
He's No Bother, He's My Father
VISTA, Calif. - Don't you hate when those annoying telemarketers call your home?
Well, one California man received the phone call of his life from one of those pesky
salesmen who turned out to be his long-lost father.
A bizarre twist of fate reunited the two when Al Kinkade made a phone call to solicit
a donation to a police and sheriff's Explorer Scout program. After brief small talk with
the telemarketer who shared the same last name, Kellie Kinkade realized that the man
she was talking to was her husband Dan's father.
After asking each other a series of personal questions, the two men were convinced
that their search was over.
**********
Trouncing Bull, Frightened Turkey
ISTANBUL, Turkey - Parents are often sure to leave emergency contact information
with the babysitter. Crucial numbers include: poison control, fire department, police
and the bullcatchers...
well, maybe not in all countries. However, veterinarians in Turkey say they are
launching a hotline and a special bull-catching unit to round up rampaging animals
during the Muslim Festival of Sacrifice.
As the creatures are rounded up to be slaughtered, some become fearful and enraged,
causing them to flee and lead villagers on dangerous chases across the city. Now,
Turkish citizens won't be hindered with scrounging through the Yellow Pages the next
time a raging bull comes storming into the living room.
***********
Penguins Making (On) History
ANTARCTICA - The oldest building on the continent of Antarctica is being ruined
by heaping mounds of penguin crap.
The wooden hut, built back in 1899 by Norwegian explorer Carsten Borchgrevnik, is
literally being buried by steaming piles of guano. The stack of penguin poop is said to
already be up to three feet deep, left by some 100,000 Adelie penguins that have been
hanging around the hut.
The rickety wooden structure and an accompanying roofless storage hut are the only
example of the first human habitation on the continent.
The Antarctic Heritage Trust is doing what it can to restore the hut, making them the
only ones besides the penguins who give a crap about the place.
***********
No Bride For You!
A marriage crisis has ensued in rural parts of India. It is affecting thousands of men
who can't find a bride due to the lack of, well, women.
Apparently people in the country have been abusing the use of modern pre-natal scans
by using them to determine the sex of their baby and then terminating the pregnancy
if it is female.
In India, there is a traditional preference to bear boys instead of girls. The illegality of
this practice doesn't seem to stop it - the number of baby girls being born is still
dropping, causing one of the most skewed sex ratios in the world.
*********
Bagel Biting Bulls
PANAMA CITY BEACH, Fla. - John and Cecelia O'Hare are suing McDonald's for
unspecified damage worth more than $15,000, claiming an improperly prepared bagel
damaged the husband's teeth and their marriage.
The suit alleges the wife "lost the care, comfort, consortium and society of her
husband" after he bit into a bagel and broke teeth and bridgework.
A representative of the franchise said she never before had a bagel complaint and had
no idea how it could have been prepared in a way that would damage teeth.
"It's a bagel," she said.
_________________________________
A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone
reads:
"Here lies Shirley, wife of Morris Rosen, L. L. D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, and
Immigracion Legal Services "
Suddenly, Morris bursts into tears. His brother says, "You SHOULD cry, pulling a
cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone !"
Through his tears, Morris sobs, "You don't understand! They left out the phone
number!"
_________________________________
DDL
Mr. Jones was a bass in the choir,
Yet a man who loved "playing with fire"
He wrestled a bear
Who didn't play fair
Now he's singing a full octave higher.
________________________________
"The frightening reality is every day this society seems to make its legal decisions in
much the same way the Archies picked their vacation spots -- blindfold Jughead, give
him a dart and spin the globe."
--Dennis Miller
***
"You ever have somebody owe you money, and have the nerve to wear new clothes
around you? Brand-new clothes, and they point them out, like, 'Hey, look what I just
picked up!' 'Well, did you see my money while you were down there?'"
--Chris Rock
***
"They added up all the people in this country who consider themselves a minority and
it added up to more than the population of the country."
--Bill Maher
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Rotten News... (true)
Posted on Thu, Mar. 13, 2003
Bill Targets U.S. Troops Buried in France
JIM ABRAMS
Associated Press
WASHINGTON - In another swipe at the French, a Florida congresswoman has
proposed that the government pay for families who might want to bring home from
France the remains of Americans who fought and died in the world wars.
"I, along with many other Americans, do not feel that the French government
appreciates the sacrifices men and women in uniform have made to defend the
freedom that the French enjoy today," Rep. Ginny Brown-Waite said in introducing
legislation providing financial help for the reburial of veterans from the two world
wars.
The legislation, which faces uncertain prospects, is the latest show of congressional
frustration over French threats to veto a U.N. resolution that would open the way for
U.S. military action against Iraq. Earlier this week, the chairman of the House
Administration Committee, Rep. Bob Ney, R-Ohio, ordered that House restaurants
change their menus to read "freedom fries" instead of French fries. French toast would
also become freedom toast.
Lawmakers have also introduced bills to prevent France from participating in any
postwar reconstruction projects.
Brown-Waite, a freshman Republican, said she decided to sponsor the bill after she
was approached by a constituent who said he wanted to bring home his father, who
was killed in World War II and buried in France.
Some 74,000 American war casualties are buried in France and Belgium, including
30,000 from World War I. The host nations, while retaining sovereignty over the
burial grounds, have granted the land in perpetuity to the United States as military
cemeteries.
Steve Thomas, a spokesman for the American Legion, said the veterans' group would
need some time to look at the legislation. He said the American Legion has always
respected the wishes of the families concerning those who died in combat, but noted
that "a lot of people may not want to repatriate their fallen loved ones, separating
them from their comrades, to make a statement about the French government."
********
Wed, March 26, 2003
Georgia politicians want law requiring restaurants to serve sweet tea
ATLANTA (AP) - For some Georgia lawmakers, a meal wouldn't be complete
without sweet tea. Now they could put that into law.
Rep. John Noel, D-Atlanta, and four co-sponsors filed a bill Tuesday that would make
it a misdemeanor "of a high and aggravated nature" not to offer sweet tea in any
Georgia restaurant that serves iced tea.
Noel acknowledged the bill was an attempt to bring a little humor to the Legislature.
But he said he wouldn't mind if it became law.
Under the bill, restaurants could still serve unsweetened tea, but must serve sweet tea
as well. The proposed bill specifies the tea must be sweetened when it is brewed.
Misdemeanors can carry a sentence of up to 12 months in jail.
Noel got the idea when he wasn't able to order sweet tea at a restaurant in Chicago. It
wasn't on the menu.
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Thu, March 20, 2003
Don Gorske's on record as being a Big Mac fan, but it's not about the burger any more
FOND DU LAC, Wis. (AP) - Don Gorske is already in the Guinness Book of World
Records for eating Big Macs - but it's not about the fame anymore.
Gorske, who downed his 19,000th Big Mac Tuesday, said he wouldn't know what else
to eat if it weren't for Big Macs.
"I'd be clueless," he said, adding that he ate a piece of pizza recently, but it "just
wasn't the same."
"It wasn't my first choice," he said.
Gorske, 49, of Fond du Lac, eats two Big Macs per day and drinks little else beside
Coke. He also keeps track of everything he eats in a notebook.
"I admit I'm obsessive compulsive," he says. "I have so many compulsions."
At 6 feet tall and 180 pounds, Gorske said he proves that foods you love don't have to
make you fat.
In fact, attorneys defending McDonald's against a lawsuit claiming its food makes
people fat used Gorske as an example of someone who frequently ate fast food but
stayed slim.