Daily Dose - 030408 - Collection from John

Here is a collection of jokes contributd by John in Vancouver....

Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the great composers. He decides
that in order to give the film a twist and some "oomph" he'll cast the parts to the great action
heroes of today. He calls Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis and
Steven Seagal into his office to hear who they would like to play:

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Beethoven. I would love to play him."

Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me
playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says ...."I'll be Bach."

___________________________

Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months, he walks to work every day and passes a shoe
store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli
leather shoes.

After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them.

Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the church basement, so
Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocelli leather shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her"Sophia, do you wear red panties
tonight?"

Sophia, startled, says " Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes, How do you
like them?

Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says to her "Rosa, do you wear white
panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, " Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that. He answers "I see the
reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played. Giorgio asks Carmella to
dance. Mid way through the dance his face turns red. He says "Carmella, steela my heart,
please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true Carmella
answers, " Yes, Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."

Giorgio gasps and says ."Thanka God... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300.00 Bocceli
leather shoes. How do you like them?

___________________________

Now this is the tale of young Freddie Bloor
Whose sexual equipment got jammed in a door
By the time they had freed him he didn't feel well
For his poor private parts were mangled to hell.

They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew
But when they arrived there was nowt they could do
What a blow for Fred condemned without choice
To a life without sex and a high squeaky voice.

But lucky for Fred so he would not feel a fool
Some bright spark suggested a bionic tool
A smart new electric one made out of brass
Though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse.

So newly equipped and after a rest
Fred thought he would put his new tool to the test
So finding a woman the nearest one handy
He plied her with drink and then made her feel randy

The girl without waiting put her hand on Fred's flies
When she felt what was there gave a cry of surprise
That's my bionic chopper now let's have some fun
'Cor blimey' she said it felt just like a gun.

They both stripped off quick and Fred entered her fast
And turned up the speed knob and gave her full blast
They clutched tight to each other as Fred's dick shook them more
Then they shook off the bed and rolled onto the floor.

Now the part hotted up and they started to choke
As the air of the room became filled with blue smoke
With a bang Fred's left bollock shot up in the air
And his other went honketty-bonk right down the stair.

So back for repair went poor Fred full of woe
Was this how his sex life was destined to go?
He returned to the doctor at the end of each shag
With his prick in his pocket and his balls in a bag.

But they fixed young Fred up and made him manly again
And they helped out the batteries with a flex from the main
So if he can't get a girl now, lucky Fred doesn't cry
Cos he's now AC/DC and can go with a guy.

__________________________

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I
speak English?"

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

____________________________

From the Ottawa Citizen:

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 300 employees and has
the following statistics:

30 have been accused of spousal abuse
9 have been arrested for fraud
14 have been accused of writing bad checks
95 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
4 have dome time for assault
55 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
12 have been arrested on drug related charges
4 have been arrested for shop lifting
16 are currently defendants in lawsuits
62 have been arrested from drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

IT IS THE 301 MPs IN THE CANADIAN PARLIAMENT

_____________________________

This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the two words, Lewinsky
and Kaczynski (the Unabomber), in a limerick.

Here are the three winners:

Third place:

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.

____________________________

THREE LITTLE WORDS..

I suppose some degree of commerce would grind to a halt if telephone solicitors weren't able
to call people at home during dinner hour. But that doesn't make it any more pleasant.

Now Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, has proposed "Three Little
Words" based on his brief experience in a telemarketing operation that would stop the
nuisance for all time.

The three little words are "Hold On, Please." Saying this while putting down your phone and
walking off instead of hanging up immediately would make each telemarketing call so time-
consuming that boiler rooms would grind to a halt. When you eventually hear the phone
company's beep-beep-beep tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset,
which has efficiently completed its task. This might be one of those articles you'll want to e-
mail to your friends. Three little words that el iminate telephone soliciting.

GOOD IDEAS:

When you get ads in your phone or utility bill, include them with the payment - let the
companies throw them away.

When you get those pre approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd
mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right?
Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes!
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send the pizza coupon to
Citibank.

If you didn't get anything else that day then just send them their application back! If you want
to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can
send it back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! Eventually, the banks and
credit card companies will begin getting their junk back in the mail. Let's let them ;know what
it's like to get junk mail, and the best of it is that they're paying for it! Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business,
and that's why they need to increase postage again!

___________________________

Among the many problems faced by Neanderthals were the "stirds."

These carrion-eaters would descend upon a Neanderthal's kill and strip the carcass in
seconds.

One day, in a fit of rage, aNeanderthal picked up the femur of an antelope. He smacked one
stird in mid-air and killed another with the downstroke.

This was the first recorded instance of killing two stirds with one bone!