Daily Dose - 030406 - Italian lawyer, THIS is TRUE, freshly dug grave, DDL, Rotten News

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy, when an Italian
lawyer approached him.

The Italian lawyer asked, "Is it true, that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county
and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian.

When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to move to America to
practice law.

"No, no," one replied. "We want to move to America to fall down on sidewalks."

____________________________

THIS is TRUE.....

EYEWITNESS III: A police officer on patrol a few blocks from the Fox Valley (Wisc.) Metro
Police Department headquarters saw a car speed by him. He chased after the car, which ran
a stop sign, and saw the driver bail out and run. A passenger in the now-stopped car claimed
he didn't know who the driver was. As backup officers started searching the area, they heard
someone call, "Over here, officer." It was the driver, Joseph Delongchamp, 18, asking for
help. Police say that after jumping out of the car, Delongchamp tripped in the dark and broke
his leg. Officers visited him in the hospital to give him citations for a second offense of
drunken driving, a second offense of driving on a revoked license, running a stop sign and
underage drinking. But they spared him a felony charge of fleeing an officer. "It just wasn't his
night," an officer said. (Appleton Post-Crescent)
...Thus violating Police Rule No. 2741: "Never give a loser an even break."

*********

EYEWITNESS IV: A newspaper carrier working her route in Lower Chichester Township,
Del., called 911 when she saw a car speed past. "I'm looking, and there's a man hanging
from the top of the car," Debbie DeMarco said. And "all this guy had on was white socks and
a T-shirt" in freezing weather. The car swerved back and forth trying to throw the man off until
it crashed into a concrete barrier. Police arrested the driver, Lori Ann Becker, 20, and her
husband Michael, 25 -- the man from the roof who, police say, had gotten into the car after
the accident and started stabbing his wife with a small tool that had been hanging from the
rearview mirror. Lori Ann was charged with attempted homicide, aggravated assault, reckless
endangering, harassment and stalking, disorderly conduct, drunken driving, driving without a
license, and careless and reckless driving. Michael was charged with assault, reckless
endangering, terroristic threats and disorderly conduct. (Wilmington News Journal)
...The "terroristic threats", of course, having to do with his lack of pants.

*********

THE LONG NOSE OF THE LAW: When a police sniffer dog alerted his handler to drugs,
Glen Darby, 22, was searched and found to be in possession of cannabis and
amphetamines. Darby's lawyer contested the "illegal search" of his client, saying that the dog
sticking its nose in Darby's crotch constituted "trespass". Attorney Clive Steirn claimed in
court that "If your honour were to do as this dog did and nuzzle the defendant's genitals, it
would be an indecent assault." Australian Supreme Court Justice Barry O'Keefe rejected that
notion "while struggling to keep a straight face," a court reporter said. The judge ruled that
such a greeting is normal for a dog, adding that the dog's "olfactory sense merely enhances
that of a police officer in the same way that a flashlight enhances the officer's sight." (Sydney
Morning Herald)
...And in the same way the dog's teeth enhance the officer's persuasive abilities.

*********

THE GRADUAL SPREAD OF AMERICAN IDEAS, PART 642: The 3,987 members of the
Japan Professional Cyclist Union say that the organizer of two bicycle races "unilaterally"
canceled the races without giving them two years' notice so they might enter other races to
make up for any prize money they might have won. They have thus filed suit asking for 1.1
million yen (US$8,800) per member in compensation, for a total of more than 4.5 billion yen
(US$36 million). (Mainichi Shimbun)
...With the two races, 3,985 members would have been losers. Now, all of them are.

**********

WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN WE'RE SURE: "Snow Storms May Be Precursor of
Winter"
-- AP headline

____________________________

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to pee, so he makes his way into the cemetery
behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and
falls in.

There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me,
I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"

At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and hears the noise. He gets to
the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt
off yourself!"

____________________________

DDL

A matron who favored abstention,
Had breasts of unequal dimension.
When woo'd by her hubby,
She withheld the large bubby,
Thus causing domestic dissension.

_____________________________

The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite
efficient. First you boil the
chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.

***

"I worked as a receptionist for a while, but I couldn't get the hang of it. I kept answering the
phone by saying, 'Hello,
can you help me?'"
-Caroline Rhea

***

"My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you
looking at?"
--Margaret Smith

____________________________

Rotten News... (true)

Sunday, 15 December, 2002, 15:51 GMT
Phone giant opts for 'dogverts'

Big dogs make excellent billboards

A mobile phone giant has opted to use big dogs as moving billboards to advertise its new
handset. And the company behind the
innovative form of advertising is appealing for owners of larger dogs to register their pooches
for future "dogverts".

Sony Ericsson have signed up new venture Dogvertise to promote their new photo
messaging service with the appropriate slogan
"something to drool about".

The dogs are being hired in Birmingham, Manchester, Glasgow, Belfast, Bristol, London and
Newcastle and will wear special
coats emblazoned with the mobile firm's logo.

Professional dog walkers will be paid to parade their canine charges around city streets, and
the dogs' owners get their
hounds exercised for free.

Special breeds

Dogvertise say giant dogs make up only 3.8% of Britain's 6.1 million dogs, and they need the
likes of St Bernard and Great
Danes in order to get the right size of logo.

Based in Holland, the company will also be using sheepdogs, Newfoundlands, bloodhounds
and Irish wolfhounds, as well as
special breeds like the Italian Spinoni and Weineramer.

Dogvertise founder Dylan Ingham said: "We are a world first and this is the biggest
advertising campaign of its kind.

"It is the beginning of a new era in advertising - a walking, barking, tail-wagging billboard."

Dogverts have been trialled before using vegetable dye to paint slogans on the coat of the
dog itself.

*********

No more fried pawns: Beijing
From correspondents in Beijing
December 16, 2002

FED up with restaurants offering "fried pawns" or "bean turd," Beijing tourism officials are
launching a campaign to stamp out mangled English on menus and public signs.

"There are many 'Chinglish' words on road signs, public notices, menus and signs describing
scenic spots, which often puzzle foreigners," said Xiong Yumei, vice director of the Beijing
Tourism Bureau.

The bureau has launched a six-month campaign to clean up English on signs at some 60
popular tourist spots, the China Daily said.

It includes a hotline for foreign visitors and the Chinese public to report mangled English.

A panel of experts will review the comments and make corrections.

City officials have been pushing hard to improve the quality of English spoken by people in
the tourism industry as a way to attract visitors to Beijing.

The China Daily said the city expects to receive three million foreign visitors this year.

In preparation for the 2008 Olympics, the city already has launched English classes for taxi
drivers and police.

Yet public signs in Beijing still often feature jarring word-for-word translations of Chinese into
English.

Some examples: "Collecting Money Toilet" for a public restroom, and "To take notice of safe,
the slippery are very crafty" on a sign warning that roads are slippery.

Restaurant menus are fertile ground for misspellings.

"It is surprising how many spelling mistakes can exist on a five-page English menu," Janet
Clause, an Australian tourist, told the China Daily.

Students at elite Peking University began a campaign last year to find and fix improper
English on public signs.

"Linguistic perfection is becoming increasingly important with the rise in the number of
foreigners flowing into the city," said Li Honghai, a city official in charge of promoting study of
foreign languages by Beijing residents.

The Associated Press

***********

Woman takes sickle to nosy mother-in-law

December 23 2002 at 01:14PM

New Delhi - A woman chopped off her mother-in-law's nose after an altercation in the
northern Indian city of Etawah, a news
report said Monday.

Police officials said that Sri Devi was having an argument with her husband when his mother
intervened, the United News of
India reported.

In a fit of rage, Devi chopped off her mother-in-law's nose with a sickle and injured her
husband before escaping from the
house.

Devi's husband and mother-in-law have been admitted to a clinic for treatment.
- Sapa-DPA