Daily Dose - 030401 - Another Groaners collection

Time to unload some more groaners on you unsuspecting folks....

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Byron tells me that when the driver of a huger tractor trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed
into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.

He climbed down from the wreckage. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and
unloaded a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of
creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour,
they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to
get all of the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

______________________________

After the Ark had successfully landed on Mt. Ararat, the survivors went forth. After a while,
one of the wives noticed her father-in-law sitting on the ground and chewing animal hides.
Every now and then, the father-in-law would chew a particularly hirsute hide and make a
notation on a tablet.

The wife asked her husband what his father was doing, to which the son replied, "What can I
say, there is Noah counting fur tastes."

______________________________

Sheila was having trouble with a particularly stubborn varicose vein. She'd thought about
going to the doctor with it, but, almost as she was dialing her family physician she got to
thinking that in the last couple of weeks the thing had the ability to forecast the weather.

When the vein turned more reddish in color and warm to the touch, the weather would be
warm. When it turned a little bluish and was more cool to the touch, the weather would be
cold.

Finally, she decided not to have the problem "solved." She had become almost dependent
on her weather vein.

______________________________

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most
powerful.

"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."

"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and
claws."

"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the
two of you."

Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating
them all... hawk, lion, and stinker.

_____________________________

Setting: A small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist
church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet.

There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was
enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily
routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and decided, "I make enough
money now, I don'thave to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from
now on." So he did.

He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-
ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So
he did. She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?" "$25," Grace replied. The
man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other
day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.

The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No
need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave.

The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought.
That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business
look.

Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished.
Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.

This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as
it was the first day it was shaven.

The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace ... and once shaved,
always shaved."

_____________________________

A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to
attend the day care center at the University.

The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the
center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.

"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite
philosopher: Play-Doh."

_____________________________

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple
of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.

He called the waitress over and said,

"It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."

The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it has a leek in it!"

______________________________

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night celebrating, and imbibing.
They all became inebriated. And then Friar Tuck began to sing. He became louder with each
drink.

Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Friar
deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.

The moral of the story? . . . You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.

_____________________________

Luck

Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four leaf clover, everything good
seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance,
they were married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy
and a girl.

At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a substantial
raise, and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing plan.

Patty was certain his good fortune was due to his 4-leaf clover. Everywhere he went, he was
certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket.

One morning, Patty could not find the clover.

He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen
it. He finally recalled it was in his gray suit that he had dropped off at the dry cleaners.

He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was
ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found the 4-leaf clover, still in one piece but
now flattened from the dry cleaning.

From that day on, Patty's fortunes changed. Life was good but was no longer perfect.

The little inconveniences were always there.

He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting.

The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.

No, Patty's life had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under
the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect.

Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him
understand what had happened.

"This certainly was to be expected," he was told. "You should have known ... One should
never press one's luck."

_____________________________

A Porcine Story

Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans prefer beef to pork.
Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no ham.

The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in their business after the
scares about health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone to the poultry and fish
industries, Sale of ham and bacon remained virtually unchanged.

Because of this, The National Porcine Association hired a major Madison Avenue advertising
firm to boost sale of pork products. They decided on an intensive campaign to saturate
magazines television and radio with ads urging people to eat pork patties. The campaign was
given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to designate the second of February as
the day when every family would be urged to eat pork sausage.

That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as ... Ground Hog Day.

_____________________________

Four men were in a boat. While they were sailing they decided to have a cigarette, but soon
discovered that no one had any matches.

Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw one cigarette overboard. This
worked well. They were able to smoke, because the boat had become a cigarette lighter.

_____________________________

Two Pretty Women

An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One was named
Edith; the other named Kate.

They met, discovered they had the same fiancée, and told him: "Get out of our lives you
rascal. We'll teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."

_____________________________

Once upon a time there was a king named James who reigned over a small country. He was
a good and wise king, but he had one very bad habit: King James just loved animals -- all
kinds of animals -- and he kept bringing them in the castle with him.

King James had deer and water buffalo and foxes – all sorts of game in every room of the
castle. The people of the kingdom finally got fed up with King James and this overcrowded
and stinky situation, and they decided that King James must be dethroned and all of the
game returned to their natural habitat.

It was the first time in history that the reign was called on account of the game.