Daily Dose - 030331 - LIBERAL VS CONSERVATIVE, BIZARRE NEWS, want to go
someplace, DDL, Rotten News

LIBERAL VS CONSERVATIVE

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is
running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an
expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you
do?

Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or
oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run
away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a
club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it
possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just
be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends
for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer:
BANG!

Texan's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of clip
being ejected and fresh clip installed)

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy!

__________________________

BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Space FACTS

If the Sun stopped producing energy today, we wouldn't know about it for ten million years.

On a clear night in the autumn you can see two million years back in time.

The first living creature to orbit the Earth was a dog called Laika.

People in space are up to 5 centimeters taller than they are on Earth. Without the effect of
gravity pressing them down, their vertebrae (sections of their spine) move a little further
apart.

The footprints that Neil Armstrong and the other astronauts left on the surface of the Moon
will still be there in a million years' time.

Jupiter is so big you could fit the Earth inside it 1300 times over.

On the Sun a person would be as heavy as an elephant is on Earth. The Sun is 330,000
times more massive than the Earth, so its gravity is very strong.

**********

A Case of Misplaced Marbles

FIJI - Couples will try all sorts of new things to spice up bedroom activity. Some choose
moderate activities like role-playing, while others go to extremes and pierce certain parts of
their bodies that most wouldn't dream of.

Some go a step further. Recently, an alarming number of men on the island of Fiji have been
found with marbles sewn under the skin of their penises.

Apparently, this painful practice is performed to heighten pleasure during sex.

It seems these men have found the marbles they lost and put them back in the wrong place.

**********

What's With All The Beeping?

WINNIPEG, Manitoba - People lose things all the time. Car keys, remote controls - these kind
of items get misplaced on a regular basis. But a two-inch-wide surgical retractor?

Well, after performing surgery on a woman at Regina General Hospital, doctors failed to
realize that they were missing theirs. The item turned up eventually when the patient had a
hard time getting through an airport metal detector.

Having suffered persistent stomach aches four months after the abdominal surgery, an x-ray
revealed that surgeons had left the long metal object inside the woman's abdominal cavity.

The woman then had immediate surgery to remove the object and all instruments were
accounted for.

_______________________________

My two-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation.
More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved
when we found Matthew playing calmly in the woods.

"Listen to me!" his mother said sharply. "From now on when you want to go someplace, you
tell Mommy first, okay?"

Matthew thought about that for a moment and said,

"Okay, Disney World."

___________________________

DDL

"Miss Jones," Clinton said with affection,
"Oh, please won't you lick my erection."
But Paula, so silly,
Misunderstood Billy
And thought he said, "Wreck my re-election."

____________________________

What's the difference between the Panama Canal and Anna Nicole Smith?
The Panama Canal is a busy ditch

____________________________

The American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems
that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood
rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

____________________________

"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running
around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."
-- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo Inc, 1989

_____________________________

Rotten News... (true)

Tuesday, 28 January, 2003, 19:07 GMT
Indian testicle attack 'is murder'

The Indian Supreme Court has ruled that anyone who inflicts fatal injuries to the testicles
should face first-degree murder charges. The ruling was handed down in a case in which a
man had kneed another in the testicles, killing him instantly.

The attacker had been convicted in a lower court on the lesser charge of culpable homicide,
not amounting to murder.

The Supreme Court said that if a person, with an intention to kill, fatally injured another in "the
private parts", the accused would be charged with murder.

Those convicted would then face either a life term or the death sentence.

"The evidence of the doctor clearly shows that death was caused due to neurogenic shock
resulting from injury to testicles and scrotum," a two-judge bench said. "This is a case where
the conviction should have been under Section 302 (first-degree murder)."

The ruling was made in response to a petition from Karnataka state in southern India
appealing against the order by the lower court.

The lower court had sentenced the accused on lesser charges that carry a maximum prison
term of seven years with parole facilities.

The accused was said to have kneed the man in self defence.

Legal experts say the ruling is unlikely to set a precedent given the extraordinary
circumstances of the case.

*********

Feline foils bid to make honest cat of him
29 January 2003
by KIM WOODHAM

Be warned – a feline is scouring Spotswood's streets and taking whatever it fancies.

Dandelion (3), the kleptomaniac cat, first started collecting when he was a year old and in two
years has stolen more than 700 items, according to his owner Sara Peacock.

"I own a cat burglar, he goes into peoples' homes and steals things," Miss Peacock said. "It's
an anxiety thing. He wants to please me by bringing me home presents."

The oriental bi-colour cat steals at least one thing a day and has a fetish for socks.

"His specialty is socks. He'll bring home one and go back to get the other. We have lots of
pairs but it's really embarrassing as it's not just one a day, it was up to five or six!"

Dandelion has expanded his collection to shoes, clothes, toys, purses, gloves, knickers, rags,
pin cushions, sunhats, jewellery and much more.

The clothesline is no barrier to Dandelion as he brings back clothes with the pegs still
attached.

"Sometimes you see things dropped along the street and you know he's been collecting."

To start with, Miss Peacock went around the neighbourhood trying to locate the owners of the
stolen property but had little success. So now she leaves most things hanging on a tree
outside the front of her house and keeps the valuable items inside.

"I hear people walking past saying, `Hey, that's mine'."

Miss Peacock once tried to dob Dandelion into the police after hearing about a spate of
burglaries in the area but they did not believe her until they caught him in the act.

Dandelion's curiosity got the better of him and he got locked inside a neighbour's house for
three days when they went on holiday.

"I had to call the police and get the window broken, which cost me $115."

Miss Peacock was so concerned about Dandelion's bad habit that she bought him a playmate
to occupy his days, but the plan backfired because he started collecting for his feline friend.

So if you live in Spotswood and notice something missing, visit 22 Rospeath Crescent and
check if Dandelion has secretly paid you a visit.

*********

Harassing phone call ends up going to cop
Reported by Vic Gideon
POSTED: Wednesday, January 22, 2003 8:29:17 PM

WESTLAKE -- A drunk man made a harassing phone call to a random number that ended up
belonging to the Westlake police chief.

Chief Richard Walling allegedly received the call from 31-year-old John T. Mullen at about 3
a.m. Walling got on his cell phone and called the police dispatcher who had SBC trace the
call.

During that time, Mullen allegedly stopped talking and began to snore. By that time, police
had the address and arrived and say they found Mullen asleep with the cordless phone still in
his hand and the line still open.

Officers indicted Mullen had been drinking. He pled not guilty to making the call.

The odds of randomly dialing police chief Walling is about 1 in 10 million. There's a better
chance of dying from falling out of bed or becoming parents of quadruplets.