Daily Dose - 030326 - MISUNDERSTANDING, BIZARRE NEWS, it looks bigger than that,
DDL, Rotten News
MISUNDERSTANDING
A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to economize in
matches. After a short time it began to give trouble. So she spoke to a gentleman who had
one, having just seen him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket.
She: Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have there in your trousers.
He: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) I'm not used to discussing such
things with ladies.
She: Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you jerk it up and
down?
He: Oh, sometimes...
She: Then it's different from mine, mine just opens and shuts. Do you rub yours up and down
until something comes?
He: Oh yes, especially in cold weather.
She: Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?
He: No, most certainly not!
She: Oh. You should, it does it good. You never soaked it before then?
He: Of course I haven't.
She: You should try it then sometime, it takes the stiffness out of it.
He: Er, well... I'm afraid that you are a naughty girl.
She: (Thinking he referred to smoking) Oh, every girl does it nowadays anyway. What about
your wick, is it a long one?
He: Yes, it is rather on the long side.
She: I think I will have to try a bigger one because the one I use does not seem to go far
enough to do any good. Does yours go red on the end when it's dry?
He: Yes.
She: So does mine. In the past mine has been giving me much trouble. Would you like to
have a look at it?
He: No no, not now. We had better wait until it's dark.
She: Don't be ridiculous, you can see much better in the daylight. It has been leaking these
past few days so I have put a rag around it. I'll unwind it now (opening her handbag and
producing her lighter). Look, here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again, damn...
now I'll have to go back to matches.
The young man collapses.
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BIZARRE NEWS...........
BIZARRE TRIVIA
It was the custom among men in Rome, when swearing to tell the truth, to place one's right
hand on one's testicles. The English word "testimony" is related to this custom.
Coffee is the world's second largest item of international commerce. Petroleum is the first.
Percentage of Americans that want to change their bodies in some way: 75% Percentage of
Americans that would want to change their intelligence: 13%
Americans eat almost one million tons of potato chips each year.
The can opener was invented forty-four years after canned food.
A female salamander inseminates herself. At mating time, the male deposits a jellylike
substance containing the sperm. The female draws the jelly into herself, and in doing so
fertilizes her eggs.
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Bible College or Satanic Hotline?
VANCLEVE, Ky. -- Catchy phone numbers are often used by businesses to promote
themselves. This was not the intent of a small, Appalachian bible college who is fighting to
change its telephone number, which begins with the numbers 666.
To Christians, this is the biblical mark of the beast, the devil.
For understandable reasons, the college would like to rid itself of any possible connections
with Satanic attributes.
Perhaps a 463 prefix would be a little more fitting. (You're smart, figure it out.)
**********
Woman Keeps Year and a Half-Old Stiffy In Bed
BERLIN - When a loved one passes away, it can be difficult to move on. Families and friends
often find comfort in keeping the memories of the deceased with them. Others, on the other
hand, need more than a memory, and keep the bodies of the deceased with them.
A report from southwestern Germany says that a 54-year-old woman was living with her dead
aunt tucked in bed for 18 months.
After police discovered the skeleton, the woman told them her aunt, aged 89, had died in
June of 2001.
An autopsy revealed the aunt had died of natural causes. The niece is now resting
comfortably in a psychiatric clinic.
***********
Playing With Crap
MANHATTAN BEACH, Calif. - A toy company in California is set to release a line of action
figures that smell like turds, B.O., rotten tuna and bad cheddar.
Under the name Stink Blasters, the three-inch-tall dolls will be for sale featuring such
characters as Dog Breath Danny, Tony Anchovy and Silent Gasser.
And how do these foul-smelling heroes get around? Why, in their S.U.V. (Stinky Utility
Vehicle), of course.
While all the figures reek of something awful, one which parents may want to keep their kids
from buying is Skunk Punk; a punk rocker that leads a band called the Screaming
Dingleberries.
Like most insanely idiotic product ideas, this one is sure to succeed.
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A Token Of Your Failure
YORK, Pa. - York City School District Superintendent, Carlos Lopez, wants to hand out
undiplomas to high school dropouts. He said the purpose of the document will be to remind
the dropouts about the severity of their decision.
The undiploma informs students about what they stand to lose by not finishing their education
and says the recipient has decided to drop out "with the full understanding that he/she may
lose up to $420,000 in earnings during his/her lifetime" by working in low-wage jobs or being
unemployed.
A spokesman said, "Sometimes, you have to hit people right between the eyes that this is a
life-altering decision."
Point taken.
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April and I happened by this art sale over the weekend in one of those little out of the way
places you just stumble onto. Lots of booths selling lots of crap. You know the drill.
As we were going past one booth, the guy in there (I guess he was the artist himself) was
hanging a picture on the wall. April was trying to get a handle on it in her head to see if it'd fit
the space she was thinking it would go once she got it home so she said, "How big is that?"
The artist replied. "20 inches."
April cocked her head and said, "It looks bigger than that."
The artist shifted his eyes towards me, then motioned for her to lean in close where he
whispered, "He's been lying to
you."
___________________________
DDL
It took me some time to agree
To appear in a film about me,
And my various ex-wives
Detailing our sex lives,
But I did - and they rated it G.
___________________________
Q: When's the moment in your life when you realize you are really rich?
A: When you're 80 years old and your wife is 20."
___________________________
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin
___________________________
"When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous thing I see is a sign that reads: 'If you have a
gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.' So I call and say, 'I have an ace and a six. The
dealer has a seven. What do I do?'"
___________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Man Uses Coupons to Try to Buy Car
Tue Jan 14, 8:06 AM ET Add AP - Feature Stories to My Yahoo!
PORTSMOUTH, N.H. - A coupon-clipper looking to score a new car got the run-around when
he presented a dealer with $41,400 worth of coupons.
Stay-at-home dad Chris Shields of Eliot, Maine, said he was perusing newspaper ads
recently when he noticed a $200-off coupon from Toyota of Portsmouth.
Shields said nothing in the ad limited customers to one coupon, so he bought more than 200
Seacoast Newspapers carrying the ad and clipped away. Jan. 4, Shields packed up his
coupons in a black briefcase and made his way to the dealership in hopes of picking up a
silver 2002 Sequoia Limited worth about $42,000. He said he was rebuffed with a suggestion
that he get a lawyer.
Dealership owner Jim Boyle said Shields won't be getting the car with coupons.
"The ad ran as it was supposed to run, and there was nothing misleading or deceptive about
it," he said. "No reasonable person could possibly expect to piggyback coupons like that and
walk away with a new car."
Shields said he has no plans to hire a lawyer but has contacted the state attorney general's
consumer protection bureau. So has Boyle, who said he was told Shields' case "has no legs
to it at all."
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Club plans croc-filled moat to control hooligans
A Romanian football club is planning to control its rowdy fans by installing a crocodile-filled
moat around the pitch.
Fourth division Steaua Nicolae Balcescu have been threatened with expulsion from the
league after repeated pitch invasions and violent outbreaks.
Worried bosses think a moat, stocked with fully-grown hungry crocodiles, would be the only
way to keep their fans off the pitch.
Club chairman Alexandra Cringus said: "This is not a joke. We can get crocodiles easy
enough and feed them on meat from the local abattoir.
"The ditch is planned to be wide enough that no one could manage to jump over it. Anyone
who attempted to do so would have to deal with the crocs. I think that the problem of fans
running onto the pitch will be solved once and for all."
The moat would have electric pipes installed to heat the water during cold weather. And it
would be far enough from the pitch to prevent players chasing the ball right into it.
The proposal is being considered by local authorities.
Story filed: 11:20 Friday 3rd January 2003
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Family turns grandma into diamond
Tuesday, December 31, 2002 Posted: 10:12 PM EST (0312 GMT)
TORONTO, Canada (AP) -- The cremated remains of 80-year-old Edna MacArthur from
Alberta have been presented to her family in the form of a diamond stone, the first delivery of
this kind in the world, a funeral services official claimed Tuesday.
"This is the first presentation of a synthetic diamond made in this way," Brian Crawford,
president of Edmonton-based Fountain Garden Funeral Services, told The Associated Press.
Crawford said MacArthur's remains were compressed into a 3-gram sample and flown to Italy
where an Italian firm uses intense heat to incorporate the remains into carbon used to craft a
diamond.
The 1/4-carat diamond was presented Monday to MacArthur's granddaughter, Tracey
Somerville, and Tracey's mother, Teresa, who used to keep the cremation urn in their living
room, Crawford said.
The family planned to have the stone placed in a golden ring, he said.
The quarter carat diamond cost the family $3,240 ($2,052 in U.S. dollars) which Crawford
said was much cheaper than the cost of a burial with a moderately priced wooden casket. Its
manufacturing process took two weeks.
Crawford said his company has already received three more orders, including a prearranged
order from a living person.
Another company, the Toronto-based Images for Eternity, offers artwork incorporating
cremated remains on paintings. The ashes are applied with several layers of sealant on top
of the finished art.