Daily Dose - 0303 - Career Day, BIZARRE NEWS, ANDY ROONEY-ISMS, DDL, Rotten
News
It's Career Day at school at the teacher is having the students stand up, state their parents'
occupation, and then spell it.
Davie stands up and says, "My dad's a doctor. And that's D O C T O R. Doctor."
"Very good," the teacher says to Davie. "Mike?"
Mike stands up. "My mom's a lawyer. L A W Y E R. Lawyer."
"Excellent. Rastus?"
Rastus gets up and says, "Uhh, my daddy, he be one of dem 'sheet metal workers. Dat's S H
I . . . "
"Ummm, no, Rastus," the teacher corrects, "That's not the way you spell it. Try it again."
"Uhhh, 'Sheet Metal Worker.' S H I . . . "
"Tell you what, Rastus, why don't you go up to the board and spell it out up there. Little
Johnny, your turn."
Little Johnny watches Rastus shuffle off to the blackboard. "Well, my dad's a bookie. And I
can't spell that. But I can give you ten to one odds that kid spells 'shit' when he getsup to the
blackboard."
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BIZARRE NEWS.......
Bizarre Celebrity Sex Scene Confessions
"His idea of a romantic kiss was to go "blaah" and gag me with his tongue. He only improved
once he married Demi Moore.
- Cybil Shepard on Bruce Willis
"I enjoyed bumping up against it even though it had black stuff all over it...By the end of the
shoot I was covered in black goo'.
- Kim Bassinger being turned on by Michael Keaton's Batman costume.
Kenneth Williams' moment of unbridled passion with Joan Sims in "Carry On Up The Khyber"
was somewhat marred by Williams' persistent flatulence.
Hygiene conscious Lana Turner chewed gum to keep her mouth fresh for her kissing scenes.
During the filming of "Homecoming," Clark Gable kissed her so hard that the pair became
entwined by a ribbon of sticky gum. From then on, she gargled.
"It's a little too sick, real or feigned to do in front of your mother."
- Jennifer Jason Leigh stated about a sex scene in her 1996 movie, "Georgia." Leigh asked
her screenwriting mother, Barbara Turner, to leave the set at the crucial moment.
"God I miss my husband."
- Patsy Kensit whispered to Mel Gibson during their naked romp in "Lethal Weapon 2."
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Get Paid For Long Distance
LATVIA - The Latvian capital of Riga has helped some 300 of its citizens vent their
frustrations by allowing them to physically take out their anger for cash.
For those perturbed with the performance of their mobile phones, a $1,000 first prize was up
for grabs in the country's first national "Flying mobile" championship.
Those flustered with poor reception, flat batteries, or even technology passing them by, got
their chance to cast their rage as far as they could throw their phones. The contestant who
launched his/her phone the farthest received a vacation to any chosen destination valued at
$1,000 and the possibility of participating in the fourth world championships in Finland this
August.
Finally, customers are getting the long distance they signed up for.
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That's All He Wrote
Manassas, Virginia - Paul Powell, 24, was found guilty of attempted rape and murder in the
1999 stabbing death of Stacie Reed. He was convicted in 2000, but the verdict was
overturned, ruling Powell could not be executed because prosecutors lacked evidence that
Powell tried to rape or rob the girl.
Then, while awaiting trial, he wrote a letter that began like this to prosecutor Paul Ebert:
"Since the Virginia Supreme Court said that I can't be charged with capital murder again, I
figured I would tell you the rest of what happened on January 29 1999 to show you how
stupid all of y'all are."
He went on to describe how he tried to rape Reed and then killed her.
Powell was recently convicted of capital murder, due to the surfacing of some pretty
incriminating evidence.
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Setting Timer Gets Man 'Ahead'
LONDON -- Police in Britain are investigating what they describe as a "very unusual" suicide
case.
A 36-year-old man killed himself with what appears to be a homemade guillotine.
Police say the man attached a timer to the device and apparently set it to kill him early
Monday morning.
They said the guillotine was found in a bedroom -- and media reports indicate a bed was
placed underneath it.
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This Will Only Hurt A Lot
WINNIPEG, Manitoba - A 34-year-old Canadian man has pinned his name into the Guinness
Book of World Records. With speed-metal music on his headphones and a picture of his
deceased mother beside him, Brent Moffatt pushed 702 needles into his body in a little less
than eight hours.
When trying to decide where to put the hundreds of needles, Moffatt decided that a good
place with a lot of room would be his legs and feet.
His goal was to reach 1,000 piercing but had to stop when the pain became unbearable.
Wearing gloves and using sterilized forceps, Moffatt slid lubricated 18-gauge needles in neat
lines into his skin.
His reason for doing this? "To be different."
You'll be able to recognize this unique individual as the guy with shrapnel-adorned shins
surrounded by numerous lines of dry blood.
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Coach And First Class Getting Better Nuts
Now those who wish to become members of the "mile-high club" will have an easier time
maneuvering around in the bathroom.
On May 3, a flight from Miami to Cancun, Mexico will allow passengers to take off more than
just their seatbelts once the captain turns the sign on. On Naked-Air, travelers will be able to
drop their pants, take off their bras and underwear and roam the cabin in their birthday suits.
Castaways Travel, a Houston-area travel agency, is offering the world's first all-nude flight for
$499 round-trip.
However, those thinking about engaging in any lewd behavior are warned: "Inappropriate
behavior is not condoned for this nude flight."
You think that will stop a bunch of butt-naked people at a few thousand feet in the air?
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ANDY ROONEY-ISMS
1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians: "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy
hunter.'"
2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to
house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my
house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should
give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on
a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their
breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory.
We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences : Men and women are different in the morning. We
men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.
And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs
90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly
about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking
proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This
guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
6. Andy Rooney On Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus
Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I
wanna burn in 'Heck'?
7. Andy Rooney On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says,
'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out
entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for
your birthday.
8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive
messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it
right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh,
yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back.
Stop sharing the love."
9. Andy Rooney on Research: Because over the past few years, more money has been
spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is
believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with
huge breasts and erections...who can't remember what to do with them. >>
___________________________
DDL
There once was a lady from Kansas
Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
It was nine inches deep
And the sides were quite steep -
It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
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"Then the insurance man told me that the accident policy covered falling off the roof but not
hitting the ground."
--Tommy Cooper
***
"Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a
penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded."
-Tim Allen
***
"I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you
realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
--Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman
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Rotten News... (true)
DRUNK JUMBOS RAMPAGE
A herd of drunken elephants have trampled to death six people during a stampede in India.
The beasts raided a store of alcohol in a small village while searching for food.
After helping themselves to gallons of the home-brewed liqueur, the intoxicated herd went
"berserk" and attacked villagers.
"The elephants, after consuming huge quantity of country-made liquor, went berserk, killing
six people on the spot," a police spokesman said.
The elephants had emerged from the jungle in the northeastern state of Assam to raid food
stores and granaries.
Environmentalists blame the destruction of the elephants' natural habitat.
But in recent years the animals have developed a taste for rice beer and liqueur.
Around 200 people have been killed in the region this year in elephant attacks.
Last Updated: 12:39 UK, Tuesday December 17, 2002
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Woman claims doctor branded her uterus with alma mater's initials during surgery
Friday, January 24, 2003
(01-24) 11:01 PST LEXINGTON, Ky. (AP) --
A woman is accusing her doctor of branding her uterus with his alma mater's initials before
removing the organ during a hysterectomy.
Stephanie Means and her husband sued Dr. James Guiler on Wednesday, seeking
unspecified damages for emotional distress.
The lawsuit said a videotape of the surgery clearly shows the University of Kentucky booster
using a cauterizing tool to write "UK" in letters 2 inches high.
"They want to see that it isn't done to other women," said the couple's attorney, Michael
Dean. He added: "This is bizarre. I've never seen anything like this."
Guiler did not immediately return calls Friday.
The doctor performed the surgery Aug. 14 at Central Baptist Hospital in Lexington.
Guiler received his medical degree from the university and last year was a sponsor of Wildcat
Madness, a fund-raiser for the school's basketball museum.
In New York, an obstetrician lost his medical license after carving his initials into a patient's
abdomen in 1999. Dr. Allan Zarkan's lawyer said Zarkan had a brain disorder.
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Murder defendant wants pistol
Democrat and Chronicle
(January 4, 2003) — Jerold Ponder, in jail facing a second-degree murder charge in
connection with the July shooting death of his pregnant girlfriend, is hoping a judge will let
him have a pistol permit.
Ponder, 29, applied for the permit in October 2001, said Monroe County Court Judge Frank
Geraci.
Geraci had sent him a letter denying the permit based on his history prior to the shooting. But
Ponder is appealing that denial.
The application was to be discussed Friday, but Geraci postponed the matter until Feb. 21,
after Ponder's murder trial is concluded.
Ponder's wife, Keya, also is charged with murder. Zaneta Browne, 29, was found buried off
Scottsville Road in Chili.
She was four months pregnant with twins. Jerold Ponder says he shot Browne accidentally
when she grabbed his rifle while they were target shooting.