Daily Dose - 030324 - What sound does a pig make, BIZARRE NEWS, Board of
Remembrance, DDL, Rotten News

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm
animals made. She asked the kids to raise their hands if they knew the correct sounds.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Billy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose little
Tyrone at the back of the class.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!"

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BIZARRE NEWS.....

Horny Dolphin Becomes Major Tourist Attraction

LONDON - Swimmers have been warned to stay away from a sexually frustrated dolphin off
a seaside resort after it tried to lure unwary humans out to sea in a bid to mate with them.

"This dolphin gets very sexually aggressive. He has already attempted to mate with some
divers," U.S. marine expert Ric O'Barry told a local paper. "When dolphins get sexually
excited, they try to isolate a swimmer, normally female. They do this by circling around the
individual and gradually move them away from the beach."

This is not encouraged, however, since adult dolphins, usually in the neighborhood of 400
pounds, could easily drown a human during foreplay.

Since his arrival, the dolphin has become a major attraction for tourists.

*******

Robber's Brilliant Plan Goes Down the Drain

CLAIRTON, Pittsburgh - A plumber in Pittsburgh must have been sniffing too much pipe dope
when he decided to rob a string of convenience stores. Robert Peter Nelson, 21, might have
gotten away with it, had the name "Nelson Plumbing and Heating" not been plastered in big
bold letters along with the telephone number on his van.

Witnesses at the three convenience stores described the van with the telephone number for
incredulous police, who arrested Nelson as he got out of the van in Clairton on Sunday.

An officer was familiar with where the van was usually parked.

********

Would You Like a Cup of Coffee?

SYRACUSE, New York - A male employee at a social services office in New York must have
been tired of fetching coffee for his co-workers. He allegedly masturbated into his colleagues'
coffee cups and is subsequently facing public lewdness charges.

The alleged victims are experiencing a range of emotions and have been offered counseling
and medical tests.

According to Sergeant John D'Eredita, investigations will continue, but the man has been
charged with three counts of second-degree harassment, three counts of criminal nuisance
and three counts of public lewdness.

So, would you like sugar with your cream?

********

Stretching For A Dream

Emma Richards, 18, has never wanted to do anything but be a flight attendant. So when she
found out she did not meet the height requirement of 5ft 2in, being that she was only 4ft 9in,
she took matters into her own hands.

Richards had her legs lengthened, which involved having both femurs broken in two places
and screwing six five-inch pins to each bone which was attached to a fixator (a metal frame).

Four times a day Richards had to turn a screw on the fixator to lengthen her legs. Talk about
dedication. Despite her efforts, Richards still misses the height requirement by one inch.

Oooooh, so close!

********

Predicting the Future Through Sex

NAGOYA, Japan - The brothel industry must be in need of a new marketing campaign.

A woman only known as Kaho claims to predict men's future by having sex with them.
Stationed in a brothel in Nagoya, she has predicted events for over 1,000 men last year by
performing oral sex on them.

She has supposedly helped one man win at a racecourse and encouraged a doubting man to
continue with wedding plans.

Japan is no stranger to odd soothsayers, though. One person claims to tell the future by
breast-reading and another based on mobile phones.

*******

76-year-old Vet "trained to kill"

STOCKTON, Calif. - When two men held up a Bank of America branch in Stockton,
California, they didn't plan on having to face Edward Christopher.

The 76-year-old WWII vet saw the men taking money from a teller and moved to stop them.
He didn't take any guff from the Krauts and he wasn't about to take it from these two whipper-
snappers.

The three men struggled and Christopher managed to rip one bag away from the thieves
before they fled with an undisclosed amount of cash.

In an interview Christopher said he's not particularly fond of police, reporters or even Bank of
America, but he likes bank robbers even less.

"I was trained to kill," he said, "and I've never been deprogrammed."

*********

Pregnant Woman Impaled in Bizarre Accident

LONDON - A woman, late in her pregnancy, has survived being speared through the chest by
a wooden stake which narrowly missed her heart and unborn child.

Astrid Oates, 20, was impaled on a fence post after the driver of the car she was traveling in
swerved to avoid a fox. The car smashed through a wooden fence and one of the posts
shattered and speared her through her right breast.

It took surgeons four hours to remove the spear of wood which was lodged close to major
organs, but they told the 8-months pregnant woman her unborn child is fine and will probably
be born naturally at full-term.

*********

Woman Stuck to Airplane Toilet for Entire Flight

OSLO, Norway - An American woman has filed a complaint with Scandinavian Airlines
System (SAS) after being stuck on the toilet during an international flight.

When the woman went to the restroom during a flight from Scandinavia to the United States,
she had no idea she would be spending the remainder of the flight in the tiny space.

She pressed the flush button while still sitting on the seat, which activated a system to clean
the toilet by vacuum. Thus, the high-pressure vacuum sealed her bottom to the seat.

A SAS spokeswoman said, "She could not get up by herself and had to sit on the toilet until
the flight had landed so that ground technicians could help her get loose. She was stuck
there for quite a long time."

_________________________________

Genuine excerpts from The Board of Remembrance about England's Queen Mum's death:

"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school
and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she
replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazisand I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a
fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself later though, it was
sickening."

"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover."

"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs."

"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The Mall on its own
and bring pleasure to the tourists."

_________________________________

DDL

Two dykes from the far Adriatic,
Decided to be more pragmatic,
Having switched from mere handling
To mutual candling -
The result is they're waxing ecstatic.

_________________________________

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the
longest.

_________________________________

Pop music is about sex.
Rock is about wanting to do it.
Jazz is about doing it.
Country and western is about feeling guilty after you've done it.

_________________________________

"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There's no pleasure worth foregoing just
for an extra three years in the geriatric ward."
-John Mortimer

_________________________________

Rotten News... (true)

Woman reports rape in Dubai, goes to jail

January 3, 2003

BY PHILIP DELVES BROUGHTON Advertisement

PARIS--A French businesswoman who accused three men of gang rape has been arrested in
Dubai and faces trial on charges of adultery.

Touria Tiouli, 39, from Limoges, has had her passport confiscated and cannot leave Dubai
after being charged under the Persian Gulf emirate's Islamic sharia law.

The law declares any sex outside marriage to be illegal.

Tiouli was on a business trip last October when, she alleges, she was raped by three men
who offered her a lift home from a nightclub.

She reported the attack immediately to the Dubai police, who after investigating her claim
arrested her.

One of the men admitted to having "consensual sex" with Tiouli, which made her, in the eyes
of Dubai's judiciary, guilty of both adultery and making a false rape accusation. She could
face up to 18 months in prison. None of the men has been charged.

Tiouli was in prison for five days and has since been staying at a hotel.

The government has taken her passport and refused to let her leave the country until her trial,
which has not yet been scheduled.

Friends in Limoges issued a statement from Tiouli Thursday. It said that when she reported
her rape to the police, "I was crying and I saw quickly that my story did not carry any weight
with them."

Her 14-year-old son is with friends in France. Tiouli, who is divorced, was born in Morocco
but moved to France as a child.

This was her third visit to Dubai, where she worked on behalf of French luxury goods
companies.

Daily Telegraph

********

FBI chief 'recruited' Harpo
By John Harlow in Los Angeles
23dec02

IN the golden age of Hollywood, Harpo Marx was the definitive clown - a wild-haired mute in
a dirty raincoat who chased women, sounding a loud horn.

Yet the most anarchic of the Marx Brothers - in order of age, Chico, Harpo, Groucho, Gummo
and Zeppo - was a secret agent for the US government. J. Edgar Hoover, the director of the
FBI, was so impressed he wanted Harpo to work for him as well, according to US records to
be released soon.

The 165cm-tall comedian was inducted into the dark corridors of espionage in the winter of
1933 when - after the commercial failure of the slapstick comedy Duck Soup - the brothers
agreed temporarily to go their separate ways. Joseph Stalin, who was a fan, authorised a six-
week tour of the Soviet Union for Harpo, a skilled harpist and mime who played with
comedians across the country.

At the end of the tour, Harpo told his family, he was asked by the US ambassador in Moscow
to take home some "diplomatic mail", which he was instructed to conceal in his socks. The
nature of the documents remains classified.

Marx Brothers enthusiasts who heard these stories after Harpo's death in 1964 were unsure
whether to trust them, but the records indicate there was more than a grain of truth in the
comic's tale.

Hoover spent much of his tenure as director of the national police force from 1924 to 1972
seeking allies to fight communist infiltration of the Hollywood community.

One letter from the FBI archives, signed by Hoover in 1949, congratulates Harpo on his "loyal
past services" to his country.

Hoover hoped they might meet in the near future, saying: "There may be ways that you can
help your country again."

Although Harpo went on to entertain US troops during the Korean war, his family believes he
felt his spying days were behind him.

His widow, Susan Fleming, who married him in 1936, still lives in Los Angeles. "Who knows
what might have happened? Harpo Marx could have been the first James Bond," a friend
said.

The Sunday Times

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Oilers Coach Rips Mascot's Tongue Out
Tue Jan 21, 1:53 AM ET

CALGARY, Alberta - Edmonton Oilers (news) coach Craig MacTavish ripped out the tongue
of Calgary Flames (news) mascot Harvey the Hound after the 6-foot-6 dog repeatedly
taunted him at the bench.

With the Flames leading 4-0 early in the third period, Harvey — a 200-pound white dog with a
foot-long red tongue — began mocking MacTavish during a timeout.

When play resumed, Harvey moved behind the bench and continued to razz the Oilers. At
another stoppage, Harvey leaned over the glass behind the bench which prompted
MacTavish to grab the tongue, rip it out and throw it into the crowd.

Undeterred, Harvey kept leaning over the glass. MacTavish reached for a hockey stick but
was calmed by Oilers trainer Ken Lowe. Several Oilers players squirted Harvey with water
bottles before security moved the mascot away.

"(Harvey) was in a place he shouldn't have been," Flames spokesman Peter Hanlon said.

MacTavish spent 17 seasons in the NHL, earning 891 penalty minutes in 1,093 games. He's
in his third season as Oilers coach.

Edmonton scored three times in a span of less than four minutes late in the third period but
lost to the Flames 4-3.