Daily Dose - 030318 - George's Collection

These are passed by an old friend in Winnipeg - George....

*****

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was
performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

___________________________

Better Than Viagra

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a
pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at
dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.

About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his
mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the
food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there
on the table."

The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The
foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

The lady replied, "Nah, that's okay. We're not welcome back at Denny's anyway."

___________________________

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, Texas:
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed
my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

*******
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, Washington:
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the
patient.

*******
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada:
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a
massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest
of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart".

*******
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, Massachusetts:
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient
twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the
20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There
was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that
he had done exactly what I had asked: he was standing there with both eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.

*******
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, Virginia:
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his
doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The
patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the
old patch before applying a new one.

*******
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, Oregon:
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been
bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered ... "Why, not for about twenty
years - when my husband was alive."

*******
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, Michigan:
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the
patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
"KY Jelly".

*******
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that
read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note
on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn".

__________________________

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell
on the same day.

During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving
couple for all 25 years, she would
give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had
the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to
have a woman 30 years younger
than me."

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

________________________

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but
least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

______________________

THE MIRROR

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time
to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he
remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his
father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would
go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband
left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."