Daily Dose -030317 - SUSPICIOUS HUSBAND, BIZARRE NEWS, hard to please, DDL,
Rotten News
SUSPICIOUS HUSBAND
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe,"
said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's
infidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am
home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking
when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at
least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
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BIZARRE NEWS........
Bizarre Holidays
December 29 is Tick Tock Day: 29
December 30 is Changes At The Last Minute Day and National Bicarbonate of Soda Day
December 31 is Make Up Your Mind Day: 31
January 1 is Get A Life Day
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Not The Big Purple Thing We Wanted
BERGENFIELD, N.J. - Two children, ages four and six, opened a brand new "Sing-Along
Barney" book their parents had bought for them and discovered a pornographic photo of a
naked man and woman with the words "Wilder Sex" printed on the page.
An attorney representing the family said the photo came from a review of porn movies
published in a German-language magazine. Publications International Ltd., the book's Illinois-
based publisher, has had similar problems in the past and claims the China-based company
that produces books is to blame for the errors. The family plans to take no legal action but in-
stead wants, "some sort of apology and maybe reassurance for the children that Barney is
pure."
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Wild Receiver
FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. - A teenage boy who received a transplanted kidney from his science
teacher has been jailed for allegedly trying to steal a forklift.
Michael Carter, 17, was arrested Sunday, police said. His mother, Deborah Evans, said she
won't post his $50,000 bail.
Evans said her son got into trouble when he skipped church Sunday. In April 2000, Jane
Smith, then a teacher at R. Max Abbott Middle School, donated a kidney to Carter, who was
born with renal disease.
Carter was a student in Smith's science class.
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New Year TRADITIONS
Romanian young men go around the countryside banging drums, ringing cow bells and
cracking whips.
Mexico's tradition is to fire rifles into the air.
Spaniards quickly consume 12 grapes at the start of the new year, popping one with each
chime of the clock.
Peruvians do the same, only swallow the grapes whole while sitting underneath a table.
Scottish children traditionally go to local homes on New Year's Eve to collect oatmeal cakes.
In Armenia, families take turns having feasts around their hearth, as neighbors lower baskets
of presents down the chimney.
Peruvians wear yellow underwear.
Muscovites crowd Red Square and toss empty vodka bottles over their heads at midnight.
Danes leap off chairs at the stroke of midnight so they can "jump" into the new year.
******
Ass Sues Viacom's Ass
LOS ANGELES, Calif. - A Montana man is seeking restitution for damage caused by the
members of the gross-out TV show and movie "Jackass."
Unlike other suits of this nature, this man is not asking for money after attempting and failing
a stunt he saw in the movie. Instead, Mr. Jack Ass is suing media giant Via-com Inc. of being
"liable for injury to my reputation that I have built and defamation of my character which I
have worked so hard to create."
Ass is asking for $10 million or more. Ass legally changed his name from Bob Craft back in
1997 as part of a personal crusade against drunk driving after his brother and a friend were
killed in a car crash.
The plaintiff doesn't feel that the defamation of his character has anything to do with his last
name being Ass.
*******
Martians Make For Poor Excuses
MARSEILLE, France - In emergency situations, it is acceptable for motorists to speed. For
instance, if a man's wife is in labor, his breaking of the traffic laws may be deemed excusable
by authorities.
But when a Frenchman raced through a motorway road block and in turn triggered a high-
speed police chase, his excuse didn't have authorities convinced. He told them he was
fleeing from aliens.
Although a breathalyzer test for alcohol proved negative, police are still awaiting the results of
drug tests and a psychiatric examination. This incident goes to show that alien attacks are no
excuse for traffic violations.
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Bob and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Bob was looking really down in the dumps.
"What's the matter?" Bill asked.
"I don't' get it," Bob sighed. "The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many damn
people you have to please.
"Like this one woman, she liked me, her mom liked me, but her father hated me.
"Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but SHE didn't like me.
"And then there was this woman I met last night. She absolutely loved me, her parents
seemed to really like me too, BUT her husband couldn't stand me!"
___________________________
DDL
"Competition is keen, you'll agree,"
Said an ancient old hooker named Dee.
So she dyed her gray tresses,
Chopped a foot off her dresses,
And her reason you plainly can see.
____________________________
"IMPORTANT NOTICE: ALL K-MART AND WALMART STORES WILL BE CLOSED IN
IRAQ. THEY WILL BE REPLACED WITH TARGETS."
____________________________
"It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in nature."
-George W. Bush
***
"I'll keep it short and sweet. Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you
must slay if you wish to succeed in business."
- Montgomery Burns, THE SIMPSONS
***
"Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech."
- Groucho Marx
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Rotten News... (true)
Owner refused drink, bulldozes pub
January 03, 2003
A BRITISH pub owner drove a bulldozer into his own premises in a fit of rage when his staff
refused to serve him a drink after New Year's eve celebrations, a London-based newspaper
has reported.
Robert Tyrell, 45, struck the 16th-century inn three or four times with his digger, bringing
down part of its roof and sections of the walls, the Daily Telegraph said.
His antics forced a group of 15 drinkers who had been celebrating at the North Star pub in
Steventon, west of London, to flee the building at 3:30 am on January 1.
Customers said Tyrell had barged his way into the pub, demanded a drink and "went
bananas" when staff refused, saying they were closing for the night, the paper said.
Reports of the destruction of the pub which had been in the hands of the same family for 177
years until it was sold to Tyrell, brought outrage from the Campaign for Real Ale society
(Camra).
"If someone has done this to the pub, they should bring back the stocks and put them in
them," a Camra spokesman told the paper.
A police spokesman said there was extensive damage. "Inquiries are continuing and police
are currently searching for a local man," a policeman spokesman said.
Agence France-Presse
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Public liposuction to show health-care sucks
[Berlin, January 9 ] - A plastic surgeon has vowed to carry out liposuctions on the streets of
Berlin as part of a rally demanding health-care reforms in Germany.
Dr Johannes Bruck has hired a mobile military clinic and will park it at Potsdamer Platz, the
revitalised centre of the German capital, at noon on Saturday.
He vows to accept anyone who wants to have liposuction. Patients will be treated on a first-
come, first-served basis, said the chief physician at Martin Luther Hospital in Berlin.
Bruck's motto is "Fettabsaugen fuer Deutschland" - which means "sucking off fat for
Germany". The bizarre protest is the first public activity of his Association for the
Advancement of Reforms in Germany.
The group is fighting for tax breaks for doctors and general private health insurance for all -
with every patient, rich or poor, paying the same premium. The group believes its scheme is
the only way to save health-care in Germany.
Depending on the turnout for the demonstration, similar liposuction rallies will be held
elsewhere in Germany starting in February, Bruck said.
[Sapa-DPA]
*********
Doorstopper now worth $90m
By Michael McKenna in Los Angeles
December 18, 2002
WHEN 14-year-old Roy Spencer found a black stone in 1935 his father dismissed it as
worthless and used it as a doorstop on their back veranda of their Queensland home.
A decade later, when the Spencer family was finally convinced it was a valuable stone, they
sold it for pound stg. 6000 and bought a house.
Now the Black Star of Queensland - a black sapphire as big as a hen's egg - is on the market
for about $90 million.
"The offers have been pouring in from heads of state, business people and the wealthiest
foundations in the world," said gem curator Jack Armstrong.
"A-list actresses have been asking to wear it at the Oscars and to premieres. I am not
kidding, they see this as a once-in-a lifetime chance."
Nothing is known about the owner of the jewel, which has sat in a Beverly Hills vault for the
past 25 years, or the reason for the sudden decision to sell.
It went on public display yesterday for the first time since the mid-1970s.
And the gem dealers are in a tizz. "The sale of the Black Star sapphire is a huge event in the
gemstone market," Mr Armstrong said.
"To have a stone like this come on the market is tantamount to having a Raphael painting
suddenly emerge for sale. It happens maybe once, maybe twice, in a lifetime."
The Spencer family sold the stone in 1947 to Armenian-born jeweller Harry Kazanjian, who
travelled from Los Angeles to the central Queenland town of Anakie to pick up his prize.
The stone, which weighed more than 1100 carats, was cut and polished to reveal a brilliant
six-point star sapphire weighing 733 carats - dwarfing the fabled Star of India sapphire's 563
carats.
Mr Armstrong said he expected to sell the stone for much more than the $90 million asking
price.