Daily Dose - 030316 - RESIGNATION LETTER, BIZARRE NEWS, FINAL THOUGHTS, DDL,
Rotten News
RESIGNATION LETTER
There are many tips on how to write resumes. But how about this for a resignation letter...
(Allegedly an actual letter sent by a fed up U.S employee in Port Huncliff, New England)
Mr. Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations.
Chief among these is that my direct superior shares an intellect that ranges above the
common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself, and my
co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the
few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every
little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a
waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix,
and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who
watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives
you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going
to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you
what an IP is.
Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building
all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed, useless look about
you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility,
you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.
In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and
laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation
is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy, I am forced to tender my
resignation, however I have a few parting points.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad
recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have
friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know
you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you
have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your
"favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files.
I believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you
neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude.
Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have
never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied
and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to
use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your damn mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am
tomorrow, not ONE minute later. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted
repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never fuck with your systems
administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.
Sincerely, Ted Brewer
________________________________
BIZARRE NEWS.........
Wal-Mart Aborts Pregnant Doll
PHILADELPHIA, PA - Wal-Mart is continuing efforts to keep their store wholesome and
respectable by removing inappropriate items from their shelves. While some of the new
Barbie dolls may be becoming a little too racy for children, the national retail store feels that
Barbie's oldest friend, Midge, is sending the wrong message to children.
The pregnant version of the doll has some parents concerned that the toy promotes teen
pregnancy. The pregnant Midge, who wears a tiny white wedding ring, has a detachable
magnetic stomach that allows for easy "delivery" of the baby.
Others feel that the doll poses no threat and would be a lot better than divorced and bitter
Midge.
********
You're Drunk, Better Hand Me Them Shoes
JOHANNESBURG, S. Africa - Mixing alcohol and any kind of complicated process that
involves coordination of some level makes for an extremely difficult situation. For this reason,
laws were created to keep people from consuming alcohol and driving a car or operating
heavy machinery.
To be extra careful, South Africa is now warning its citizens to not drink and walk. Some 839
pedestrians were killed, in the month of December alone, by strolling drunk onto unlit roads at
night.
Thus, the call has been made by their transport minister for citizens to not try and walk
anywhere after drinking.
If you absolutely must drink while visiting South Africa, make sure to get yourself a
designated walker.
______________________________
FINAL THOUGHTS
"Don't worry- it's not loaded."
-Terry Kath, lead singer of the band Chicago, playing Russian Roulette
"I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis."
-Humphrey Bogart
"How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? French fries."
-James French, executed in the Oklahoma electric chair, 1966
"Am I dying, or is this my birthday?"
-Lady Astor, awakening to find her relatives gathered around her bedside
"That was a great game of golf, fellers."
-Bing Crosby
"I've had 18 straight whiskeys. I think that's the record!"
-Dylan Thomas, poet
"I desire to go to hell and not to heaven. In the former place I shall enjoy the company of
popes, kings, and prinnces, while in the latter are only beggars, monks, and apostles."
-Niccolo Machiavelli
"Waiting, are they? Waiting, are they? Well, let 'em wait."
-General Ethan Allen, when told "the Angels are waiting for you."
_____________________________
DDL
There was a young fellow of Acre,
Who took off his hat to a Quaker.
When the worthy man said,
"You are very well bred",
He replied, "Well, you see I'm a baker."
_____________________________
"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Former Vice President Al Gore
***
"If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators
with a lot of bright people." --Unknown
***
"They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-
hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy
Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel."
--Dennis Miller
____________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Tue, December 17, 2002
Carjacker leaves colostomy bag behind
ST. ALBERT, Alta. (CP) -- Police believe they have the poop on a half-naked man who
hijacked a car at knifepoint outside an Edmonton suburb's main mall -- he left his colostomy
bag at the scene.
"It looks as though it may have fallen off during a struggle with security staff from the mall
before the hijack," said RCMP Const. Mireille Moore.
"We also believe that the hijacker's shirt was torn off during the tussle."
The hijacker managed to break away from The Bay store security officers and jump into a
black Honda Civic, which was stopped at some traffic lights near the mall around 3:45 p.m.
on Sunday.
The man, brandishing a knife, forced an 18-year-old man at the wheel to act as his getaway
driver. The driver's three-year-old brother was in the back seat.
The three store security staffers tried to block the car, but it broke through them. They were
all treated in hospital for minor cuts and bruises.
St. Albert RCMP and Edmonton police launched a massive search, but the hijacker managed
to evade them.
-- Edmonton Sun.
*********
Baby, can you drive my car?
January 6 2003
A family of three was injured in a car crash after a five-year-old boy sitting on his mother's lap
allegedly steered the vehicle because she was too drunk to drive.
The boy's nine-year-old brother allegedly told staff at Nambour Hospital, on Queensland's
Sunshine Coast, that his mother had been drinking and wanted her youngest son to steer the
car while she operated the pedals, police said.
"That's apparently what the child told the staff at the hospital," Senior Constable Dave
Lonergan told AAP. "The five-year-old was on her lap steering the car."
The car left the Bli Bli Road on the Sunshine Coast around 1.30am (AEST) yesterday, hit a
tree, hurtled down an embankment and came to rest in a paddock.
Snr Const Lonergan said the 37-year-old mother and the two children were not wearing
seatbelts and were thrown from the car.
The family was taken to Nambour hospital where the woman remained today in a stable
condition with neck and back injuries and facial lacerations.
Police expect to interview the boys' mother over the next few days but may have to seek the
help of an interpreter as the woman reportedly speaks only limited English.
AAP
***********
Beekeeper survives 300,000 stings
January 04, 2003
A man trapped in his wrecked truck survived an attack by up to 300,000 bees searching for
their hives after the truck crashed near Auckland.
Chris Robinson had developed partial immunity to bee stings since he began beekeeping in
1982.
"The rescuers would have been under more threat than Chris," his wife Laine said yesterday.
"He was covered in stings all over his body and neck.
"Most people would have died from that much venom."
Mrs Robinson had to spend 30 minutes removing the stings from her husband's body.
Mr Robinson, of Hastings, was moving 40 beehives when he crashed his truck in Hawke's
Bay on the North Island.
Trapped with a broken leg and head injuries and out of mobile phone range, the 52-year-old
remained in the cabin as the bees swarmed in through the smashed windscreen searching
for their wrecked hives.
A rescue helicopter was called in to winch him from the truck.
The Daily Telegraph