Daily Dose - 030315 - CHRISTMAS EVE ITALIAN STYLE, BIZARRE NEWS, nice names,
DDL, Rotten News

CHRISTMAS EVE ITALIAN STYLE

This is classic... I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents' house on
Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian
family spends the holidays. I thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges
and pear trees.....I was wrong!

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation. "I know these family
things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun
on Christmas Eve."

"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.

I told my mother I'd be bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice girl and she's really looking
forward to meeting all of you."

"Sounds fine to me," my mother said. And that was that.

Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me. What more could I want? I should point out, I
suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the season -- an
Italian woman's reason for living. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates
every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for. I should
also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go
nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the
largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being. I brought her anyway.

7 p.m. -- we arrive. Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the
other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills Karen like cheeseburger on
the barbecue determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake. My father is equally
observant. He pulls me into the living room and notes, "She has the largest breasts I have
ever seen on a human being."

7:30 p.m. - Others arrive. Zio Giovanni walks in with my Zia Maria, assorted kids, assorted
gifts. We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically composed platter of
lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, anchovies and cheese....no meat of course. When I
offer to make Karen's plate she says, "No Thank you." She points to the anchovies with a
look of disgust.... "You don't like anchovies?" I ask. "I don't like fish," Karen announces to
one and all as 67 other varieties of seafood are baking, broiling and simmering in the next
room. My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting uncomfortable. Zia Maria
asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve. Karen says, "Knockwurst." My father,
who is still staring in a daze, at Karen's chest, temporarily snaps out of it to murmur,
"Knockers?" My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot. None of this is turning out the
way I'd hoped.

8:00 p.m. - Second course. The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen
declines the crab sauce and says she'll make her own with butter and ketchup. My mother
asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my "Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, place it
on the "Merry Christmas" tablecloth and walk into the kitchen. "I don't want to start any
trouble," my mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. "But if she pours
this on my pasta, I'm going to throw acid in her face." "Come on," I tell her. "It's Christmas.
Let her eat what she wants." My mother considers the situation, then nods. As I turn to walk
back into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder. "Tell me the truth," she says, "are you
serious with this tramp?" "She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her for three
weeks." "Well, it's your life," she tells me, "but if you marry her, she'll poison you."

8:30 p.m. - More fish. My stomach is knotted like one of those macramé plant hangers that
are always three times larger than the plants they hold. All the women get up to clear away
the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette. "Why don't you give
them a little hand?" I politely suggest. Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen
carrying three forks. "Dear, you don't have to do that," my mother tells her, smiling painfully.
"Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she reenters the dining room, a
wine glass flies over her head, and smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother
says, "Whoops." More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen tries a piece of scungilli,
which she describes as "slimy, like worms." My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds
her chest like one of those old women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home. Zia
Maria does the same. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on
Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest. My Zio Giovanni doesn't know what to
make of it. My father's dentures fall out and chew a six-inch gash in the tablecloth.

10:00 p.m. - Coffee, dessert. Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel.
When Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a cannoli. I guess it
had to happen sooner or later. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women
do on Christmas Eve, picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it. "This is fun," Karen
says. Time passes and believe it or not everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good
cheer -- even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says, "Get this bitch out
of my house." Sounds fine to me. THE END

______________________________

BIZARRE NEWS......

Bizarre Lawyers

A former insurance official in Kansas hurt himself trying to lift his briefcase from his car trunk.
Even though he missed no work or even a golf game on account of the injury, he was
awarded $95,000 because of the work-related injury.

A law firm in New Orleans routinely billed four hours of work for letters that were only one
sentence in length.

A Chicago lawyer charged $25,000 for "ground transportation" while on business in San
Francisco.

A Kansas lawyer received close to $35,000 in workmen's compensation because he hurt his
shoulder reaching into the backseat of the car for his briefcase.

A lawyer while working on a government contract, wrote a definition of the words "and/or" that
was over 300 words in length.
***
*********

Students Won't Swallow

TAIWAN - While some teachers believe in timeouts or verbal reprimanding, one educator in
Taiwan felt it necessary to enforce a much harsher punishment.

After one student failed to follow orders and crush an empty milk container before throwing it
away, the teacher cut it into 35 pieces and ordered each student to eat one piece of the
aluminum foil container.

The students, aged 11 and 12, were stunned and most just put the foil in their mouths without
swallowing it.

An official in the city's Education Department said the teacher was demoted but not
dismissed because she showed remorse over her conduct.

Many speculate that her new position may involve recycling.

***********

Joy To The World, My Ticket's Gone

COLUMBIA, Tenn. - Nobody likes getting pulled over by the police for speeding. Most people
will do just about anything to get themselves out of a hefty fine and a mark on their driving
record.

This holiday season, authorities in Tennessee are giving speeding motorists the chance to
sing their way out of trouble. The town judge continues to follow a three-year tradition on the
last court date before Christmas by letting speed violators off the hook if they pipe-out various
Christmas carols.

Those who sang and donated five canned goods to the Harvest Food Share had their tickets
dismissed with no points put on their driving record.

No report was released on otherways to get out of traffic tickets.

________________________________

A young man was talking to a girl that he had just met, and asked her name.

"I don't want to tell you," she said, "I'm named after both of my parents, and it's kind of
embarrassing."

"Well, what could be so bad about that?" the young man asked.

"My mother's name is Eliza, and my father's name is Ferdinand." the girl answered.

"Well, those are nice names" the guy replied.

"It would be if they wouldn't have named me FerdEliza!"

_____________________________

DDL

There were two consenting adults,
Who agreed that they would not repulse,
One another's advances,
But just take their chances,
And accept the result - or results.

______________________________

"When traveling, always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore
always carry a small snake."
--W.C. Fields

***

"A lot of candies get their names from things people exclaim, like, "Bonkers!" or "Nerds!" And
I got to thinking...wouldn't it be funny if they based a line of candy on something my Dad
exclaims frequently? I don't know about you, but I'd get a kick out of candy called, 'Where's
the Damn Scotch!'"
--Bob Oshack

_______________________________

Rotten News... (true)

Two in court after bondage session with soap and banana
14 January 2003

A 45-year-old sex worker pleaded guilty in Auckland District Court yesterday to one charge of
assault "using a cake of soap and a banana as a weapon".

The court was told that the assault charge originally referred to a leather strap as a weapon
but was amended specifying the cake of soap and banana.

The amendment prompted Justice of the Peace Barrie Evans to remark that a banana was
not much of a weapon.

Details of the case revealed the banana was squashed into the assault victim's face during a
bondage session. The cake of soap was forced into his mouth.

The sex worker, Denise Vivienne Adams of Tauranga, described by the police as a
dominatrix by arrangement and a person who participated in bondage and cross dressing
sessions, pleaded guilty to the assault charge together with Rhys John Stratford, a 35-year-
old truck driver of Glenfield, Auckland.

A consensual bondage session involving Adams assaulting the complainant over his entire
body and face with a "dominatrix tongue whip" also took place.

Adams, helped by Stratford who was also in the house, forced a cake of soap into the
complainant's mouth and squashed the banana around his face.

********

'M-U-S-L-I-M' rappers set their faith to a beat
By Wayne Parry
The Associated Press
January 11, 2003

This is one hip-hop group that puts The Prophet before profit.

Native Deen, named after the Arabic word for "religion" or "way of life," is a trio of young
Muslim men who sing only about their faith.

They strive to be role models for music fans who might otherwise be drawn to gangsta rap
and hope to educate Americans about Islam.

"Islam is our daily life," said 29-year-old Native Deen member Joshua Salaam. "It forms what
you do, who you are, what you eat, when you sleep, how you pray, everything. We just sing
about what we know and who we are."

Native Deen has its origins in an annual Islamic youth conference in Minnesota. On the last
day of each conference, participants would sing or rap on a stage for their peers. Salaam,
Abdul-Malik Ahmad and Naeem Muhammad all met at these conferences, struck up a
friendship and formed the group two years ago.

Since then, the three have released many singles and cassettes independently and over the
Internet - enough to gain a following for steady gigs at mosques, weddings and conferences.

The three friends, who describe their beliefs as mainstream Islam, charge $600 per show and
won't perform with mixed dancing or alcohol since both are forbidden under Islam.

Their Web site address is www.nativedeen.com.

Their lyrics address topics including tensions between Islamic and secular lifestyles, pride in
Islamic culture and fulfilling religious obligations. The chorus of their signature song is, "M-U-
S-L-I-M, I'm so blessed to be with them."

The group uses only percussion and voices, since some Muslims believe using wind and
stringed instruments violates religious teaching. Given the self-imposed limitations, the trio's
music is surprisingly rich, with layers of tonal beats driven by electronic rhythms and
multitiered vocal tracks.

The Native Deen members still have their day jobs. Salaam has a degree in criminal justice
and works in the civil rights division of the Council on American Islamic Relations, a Muslim
advocacy group in Washington. Ahmad lives in the Washington area and works as a Web
designer. Muhammad is a lifelong resident of Baltimore, where he works as a project
manager for a technical company.

Salaam said Native Deen wants to be an alternative to groups who make millions rapping
about killing and chilling.

"You hear them talking about taking your clothes off, or some girl doing something," he said.
"There's not a lot of substance there. You have to realize the power of music. You have 5-
year-olds memorizing your songs and maybe acting on that."

********

'LINGERIE BARBIE' A HOT XXXMAS TOY

By BILL HOFFMANN

December 23, 2002 -- Here she is, all dolled up in peek-a-boo lingerie - it's Barbie as you've
never seen her before.
After years of pushing her as the virginal girl next door, the Mattel toy company has given its
most famous toy a decidedly naughty look.

The new, limited-edition doll - officially called "Lingerie Barbie" - comes complete with sexy
black or pink garters, silk stockings, stiletto heels and other saucy accessories.

In the current FAO Schwarz holiday catalog, Mattel's description of the sexy collectible says:

"Barbie exudes a flirtatious attitude in her heavenly merry widow bustier ensemble accented
with intricate lace and matching peek-a-boo peignoir.

"[She's] simply sassy in a short pearl-gray satin slip trimmed in black lace" and "thigh-high
stockings" that "add a hint of flair."

And how much does Lingerie Barbie go for? Her price is a, ahem, very reasonable $45 - less
than a pair of panties and garters at your local sex shop.

Mattel admits the new Barbie has a decidedly adult flavor - and insists she's not about to
replace the goody-goody Barbies that little girls have played with for years.

"We're not marketing it to kids," says company spokeswoman Ria Freydl.

Barbie debuted in 1959, when she took the New York Toy Fair by storm, and overnight
became one of the most recognized toys in the world.