Daily Dose - 030312 - WHY MEN SHOULDN'T BE SECRETARIES, BIZARRE NEWS, Dog
Show, DDL, Rotten News

WHY MEN SHOULDN'T BE SECRETARIES..........

This is a husband's actual note on the fridge to his wife:

Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal.

I didn't know you like beer!

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BIZARRE NEWS......

One Burger, Hold The Rabies

JACKSON, Tenn. - Ozzy Osbourne developed a stigma by biting the head off a bat. A horrific
incident, even for Ozzy, no one found the spectacle to be humorous.

Needless to say, when a Tennessee teenager thought it would be pretty funny if she served
one of her fast food customers a dead bat burger the joke didn't go over very well.

The 21-year-old customer went to a local hospital's emergency room after biting into the bat
sandwich. He tested negative for rabies.

What she thought was a practical joke could turn into up to six years behind bars and a
possible $3,000 fine.

Even though the victim sunk his teeth into the winged-creature like Ozzy, he won't be getting
his own reality television series.

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What Does Geography Have To Do With Singing?

During a world tour, teen British singing sensation Charlotte Church told a sold out audience,
"I love being in AMERICA. You have all the shopping and stuff."

The only problem was that the concert was in Toronto, Canada.

She was a little confused by the icy silence that greeted the comment, but continued to belt
out 'Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire' anyway.

It wasn't until she made it backstage that she was told of her mistake. To her credit she did
go back on stage and say, "I'm sorry. I DO love Canada. Toronto's one of my favorite cities. I
know you think I'm lying now - but I'm not."

The Canadian audience didn't buy it.

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I've Got Monkeys In My Pants

LOS ANGELES, California -- Customs officials opened his suitcase and a bird of paradise
flew out, but that was nothing compared to what they found in his pants -- a pair of pygmy
monkeys.

Californian Robert Cusack has been sentenced to 57 days in jail for trying to smuggle the
monkeys, a total of four exotic birds and 50 rare orchids into Los Angeles Airport after a trip
to Thailand.

The two monkeys in this case, who were 3 and 4 months old when confiscated at the airport,
are now at the Los Angeles Zoo, while all four birds have died.

______________________________

Over the weekend I happened to catch a glimpse of some National Dog Show event as I
flipped through the channels.

The dog on the screen at the time was a white English sheepdog. It was simply a mound of
fur with four legs. The judge was brushing back the dog's hair so she could look at the
animal's eyes.

The TV announcer was explaining that each dog has to have its eyes checked to make sure
they're the right shape, color, etc., etc.

Another announcer chimed in with, "Well, plus the judge has to see if the dog HAS both of its
eyes. 'Cuz if you start combing through hair and you only see ONE eye . . . you're looking at
the wrong end of the dog."

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DDL

Betty Sue's masturbational style
Is distinguished by Frenchified guile:
She uses a wiener -
It's safer and cleaner -
She's become a confirmed Frankophile!

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"I've started referring to the proposed action against Iraq as Desert Storm 1.1, since it
reminds me of a Microsoft upgrade:
it's expensive, most people aren't sure they want it, and it probably won't work."

-- Kevin G. Barkes

*********

"The highway cop said, 'Walk a straight line.' I said, 'Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you
could ever come to a straight line would be making an electrocephalogram of your brain
waves.'

He said, 'You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that
right?'

And I thought, 'Oooh, a paradox!'"

--Emo Philips

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"I stopped for breakfast at the International House of Pancakes. As soon as you walk in you
catch the distinct, worldwide feel of the place. I was a little baffled by the complex menu. So I
just had the flapjack-du-jour and my syrup steward helped me select a very dry maple that
was busy but not precocious."
--Dennis Miller

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Rotten News... (true)

76-year-old booze buyer wants store to stop carding him

Associated Press

Published Jan. 21, 2003 BOOZ22

OAK CREEK, Wis. -- Don Meyer was a little annoyed when a Pick 'n Save clerk here recently
carded him in the liquor store.

He wasn't just upset because they carded him while he was buying nonalcoholic beer. He
was upset because he's 76 years old.

``I tell you, I was really ticked off - this little-by-little chipping away at your rights,'' the World
War II veteran said.

Meyer won't be the only senior citizen getting carded now that 11 Pick 'n Save stores in
Wisconsin have begun requiring clerks to card everyone who tries to buy alcohol.

Most alcoholic-beverage retailers ask for identification from patrons who appear younger than
30 or 40, but Pick 'n Save officials say they wanted to eliminate the chance of selling to
someone underage.

``We've had a few complaints,'' said Robert Mariano, president and chief executive officer of
Pick 'n Save's parent company, Roundy's Inc. ``People may not like it, but they understand
what we are trying to do. We're just trying to do the right thing.''

Milwaukee Attorney Michael A.I. Whitcomb, who represents many clients with liquor licenses,
said he has never heard of a store carding everyone.

``Practically speaking, I see no reason to instruct employees to card the AARP crowd,'' said
Whitcomb.

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Pornographic Movie on Senate TV Channel

Dec 18, 10:35 am ET

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A Senate recording studio worker who broke the rules by dubbing
a pornographic movie at work compounded his sin by inadvertently showing the film on an
internal Senate television station, an official says.

The Senate Sergeant-at-Arms office said Tuesday the employee was placed on
administrative leave for the Dec. 6 event, in which an unidentified pornographic film was put
on a closed circuit channel available in Senate offices.

Because it was about 7 a.m. on Friday when the Senate was in recess, relatively few people
saw the movie, which was interrupted when some Capitol police noticed it.

The Senate recording studio is usually used for such things as lawmakers taping
appearances for hometown shows or making videotaped copies of speeches. Early in the
morning, it often broadcasts such decidedly nonpornographic programming as lessons on
parliamentary procedure.

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'Miss Drunk' Contest Is Held in Thailand
Fri Jan 17, 8:06 AM ET Add Strange News - AP to My Yahoo!

BANGKOK, Thailand - Most people would hate to be called a drunk, but Thailand's Arunothai
Sriaran is wearing the epithet like a crown.

Arunothai was named "Miss Drunk" at a contest Thursday to promote Thai wines after
downing five shots and walking a zigzag path between two rows of wine bottles without
knocking them down.

"I was not drunk. Only a little bit dizzy. I was fine and refreshed after a cup of coffee and
washing my face," Arunothai told The Associated Press on Friday.

"The local wine is rather sweet ... like orange juice," said Arunothai, a 36-year-old wine seller
who defeated 14 other female rivals by completing the obstacle course in seven seconds
after putting down five pegs of wine. A peg is roughly 0.1 liters, or less than a quarter pint.

To make the course harder, the contestants were dressed in traditional Thai dresses of heavy
silk finery including golden headgear.

For her troubles, Arunothai won 5,000 baht (US$120) prize and the title of "Miss Meri,"
named for the female protagonist of a Thai folk story, Phra Rot-Meri, who was tricked into
getting drunk. In contemporary vocabulary, Meri either means liquor or a drunk woman.

The aim of the contest — held by a private company — was to promote Thai products and
encourage people to stop drinking foreign whiskey.

The contest went ahead despite protests by some Thai senators who called it a disgrace to
the dignity of Thai women. Public drunkenness, especially by women, is frowned upon in
Thailand, a conservative Buddhist society.

Arunothai said she couldn't understand what the fuss was about.

"It was fun and I do not understand why people criticize us for promoting local production.
One has to accept the truth that women drinking wine is widely common in the society," she
said.