Daily Dose - 030310 - DA MAN, BIZARRE NEWS, Spanish explorers, DDL, Rotten News

DA MAN

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a
psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book
on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he
reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he
said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I
want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I
expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after ! dinner, you're going to draw me my bath
so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb
my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

___________________________

BIZARRE NEWS.....

The Greatest Black Star of All Time

Have you checked lately to see if your door-stop was worth anything? Had the Spencer
family of Queensland, Australia done so, they would have gotten a lot more that they could
have imagined.

They thought the rock was worthless and used it as a door stop for years. It turns out that the
Black Star of Queensland they sold is now on the market for about $90 million.

The black sapphire weighed more than 1100 carats before it was cut and polished to reveal a
brilliant six-point star sapphire weighing 733 carats.

Now, offers are pouring in from all over by heads of state, business people and some of the
wealthiest foundations in the world. It may not be a bad idea to have your rock collection
appraised some time soon.

********

Farmer Gets The Ham and Two Sausage

BOSNIA - Every once in a while a story comes out about a person or animal born with extra
or less body parts than usual. Some extras that have appeared include toes, fingers and
nipples.

A report from Bosnia says that a newborn pig is causing quite a rucous after entering the
world with, not only two extra legs, but an extra penis as well.

The seventy-year-old farmer who is raising the young piglet has received a lot of interest from
people who want to either raise him or put him on display.

Local vets claim the case is rare but not unheard of. A few months earlier a Croatian goat
was born with eight legs, two tails and two penises.

Thinking of an appropriate name for the pig, the farmer went with the obvious: Lucky.

**********

Wal-Mart Aborts Pregnant Doll

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Wal-Mart is continuing efforts to keep their store wholesome and
respectable by removing inappropriate items from their shelves. While some of the new
Barbie dolls may be becoming a little too racy for children, the national retail store feels that
Barbie's oldest friend, Midge, is sending the wrong message to children.

The pregnant version of the doll has some parents concerned that the toy promotes teen
pregnancy. The pregnant Midge, who wears a tiny white wedding ring, has a detachable
magnetic stomach that allows for easy "delivery" of the baby.

Others feel that the doll poses no threat and would be a lot better than divorced and bitter
Midge.

********

You're Drunk, Better Hand Me Them Shoes

JOHANNESBURG, S. Africa - Mixing alcohol and any kind of complicated process that
involves coordination of some level makes for an extremely difficult situation. For this reason,
laws were created to keep people from consuming alcohol and driving a car or operating
heavy machinery.

To be extra careful, South Africa is now warning its citizens to not drink and walk. Some 839
pedestrians were killed, in the month of December alone, by strolling drunk onto unlit roads at
night.

Thus, the call has been made by their transport minister for citizens to not try and walk
anywhere after drinking.

If you absolutely must drink while visiting South Africa, make sure to get yourself a
designated walker.

______________________________

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have
felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very
different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit
scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

___________________________

The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter-viewing a prospective student, "Why
have you chosen this career?" he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.

"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

____________________________

DDL

An avidly ambitious aardvark
Commenced a career as a card shark;
To the shouts of his foes
When he dealt with his nose
he said "smelling your ace was the hard part!"

_____________________________

"The "Boston Herald" has reported that Massachusetts has come up with a new state slogan:
Massachusetts: Make it Your's, which I think is a lot better than New York's slogan: New
York, Up Your's."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"According to a new report, Southern California is experiencing its worse pollution season in
years. Isn't that scary? Air pollution is now officially a season here in L.A."
--Jay Leno

***

"A California congressman was reporting back on his trip from Baghdad. He said that almost
no one spoke English, poison gas filled the sky, and he saw people firing guns in the street
and that was on the way to the L.A. airport."
--Jay Leno

______________________________

Rotten News.... (true)

Park Service steamed by Metamucil ad
Friday, January 24, 2003 Posted: 4:02 AM EST (0902 GMT)

CHEYENNE, Wyoming (AP) -- The National Park Service is fuming over a commercial in
which a park ranger pours a glass of Metamucil into Old Faithful in Yellowstone National Park
to help the geyser stay regular.

Park Service officials scoff at the notion the famous geyser would ever need help, and point
out the damage that can be caused by dumping things into the park's thermal features -- not
to mention that venturing near geysers and hot springs is often very dangerous.

"It suggests that it's OK to pour some substance into a thermal feature," Park Service
spokesman Al Nash said. "We've spent decades trying to educate visitors about the fact that
it's harmful to the feature and that it's dangerous for anyone to take an action like that."

Metamucil's manufacturer, Procter & Gamble Co., suggests Old Faithful's guardians lighten
up a bit.

"It was pretty over the top," said Greg Allgood, associate director of the company's Health
Sciences Institute. "Anybody would get it. It was a joke."

Allgood has proposed resolving the dispute by adding subtext to the commercial that says all
Yellowstone visitors should obey the park rules. As of Thursday he was waiting to hear a
response from the Park Service.

In the ad, a woman asks a ranger why Old Faithful is so predictably regular. The ad flashes
back to the ranger pouring in Metamucil earlier in the day and the ad concludes -- naturally --
with an impressive eruption.

"We tested the commercial with consumers and got some very favorable responses," Allgood
said. He said Procter & Gamble wants to keep using it.

***********

Updated: 02 Jan, 15:58 (GMT+1)

Wheelchair desperado turns herself in

A suspected shoplifter who led store employees on a wild chase in her motorized wheelchair
has turned herself in to police in western Norway. They later raided her home and seized
illegal distilling gear and moonshine.

The female suspect now faces a long list of charges, from shoplifting to property damage to
assault.

In addition to biting and hitting one store employee who tried to stop her, she ran over a
toddler while careening in her wheelchair down a pedestrian street in the west coast town of
Sandnes, according to newspaper VG.

Police had lots of leads and a complete description of the woman after she created a scene
right out of an action film earlier this week. Her wild escape from a Co-op grocery store saw
her crashing through a glass exit door, nearly causing several car accidents, assaulting those
trying to chase her wheelchair and mowing down a three-year-old boy.

Her dramatic wheelchair escape attracted scores of witnesses. Apparently realizing she'd
soon be caught, the woman later called police herself.

"She admitted crashing through a glass door at the store, but said she didn't mean to do it,"
said Kaare Birkeland of the Sandnes police station.

Even though the woman was called in for questioning later this week, police obtained a court
order allowing them to search her home. There they found an illegal distillery, and 31 liters of
moonshine.

***********

Agency apologizes for dunning eight-century saint for TV fee

Reuters
Posted January 7 2003, 10:55 AM EST

BERLIN - Germany's television license fee agency apologized for sending an angry letter
demanding payment from an eighth-century saint.

``This was quite embarrassing,'' said Eckhard Ohliger, an official at the Cologne-based GEZ
fee collection headquarters, which collects $6.8 billion per year from viewers. ``But
unfortunately mistakes happen.''

Father Karl Terhorst said the agency had sent letters demanding payment of the monthly $16
fee to a woman named ``Frau Walburga St.'' at the address of the Roman Catholic Church in
Ramsdorf, 80 miles east of Cologne.

``At first I just ignored the letters,'' Terhorst said. ``But after the last letter demanding payment
threatened the saint with 'legal action' and a 1,000-euro fine ($1,000), I figured it was time to
write back.''

Terhorst informed the GEZ that St. Walburga, born in 710 in England, was an abbess and
missionary who played an important role in St. Boniface's organization of the Frankish
church. She headed a monastery, and was later made a saint in 880.