Daily Dose - 030308 - WHAT WOULD YOU DO, BIZARRE NEWS, POLITICALLY CORRECT
FAIRY TALES, DDL, Rotten News

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was
after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The
man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For
$100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband
switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another
man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man
has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I
bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He
paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at
the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

_____________________________

BIZARRE NEWS....

Slowing Down The Handicapped

LOS ANGELES, Calif. - In a bizarre twist of social conduct, students in wheelchairs at a
California college campus are being told to respect and be more aware of walking
pedestrians.

Valley College officials recently set a speed limit of 4 mph for the disabled, hoping to keep
pedestrians from being hurt by speeding wheelchairs.

Vice President of Administration Tom Jacobsmeyer proposed the regulation after seeing a
student nearly hit by a woman "going very fast" in a wheelchair.

Disabled students compare the regulation to a "bad joke." First time offenders will be warned,
but chronic violators could be cited, suspended or expelled.

*********

One Random Ransom

TRENTON, N.J. - A disturbing ransom note was left on the doorstep of Tom and Candy
Konczos of Trenton, New Jersey. An $800 demand was made for the return of their stolen
baby.

Police say that the kidnappers left a computer-generated writ-ten note demanding $800 in
"small" bills in exchange for the plastic baby Jesus figurine stolen from the couple's front
lawn.

The note was signed by "Me, him and the other kid who was really scared and didn't want to
take your baby Jesus and the whole time all he did was say stuff like you're going to hell."

Although the prank is believed to be the work of neighborhood teens, the Konczos' and police
were a little disturbed by the note.

____________________________

POLITICALLY CORRECT FAIRY TALES

Hansel and Gretel

Hansel and Gretel were lost in the woods when they came upon a house made of candy and
cake. An old witch invited them in and then captured both of them intending to eat them.
Gretel had a chance save both of them by pushing the old woman in an oven but she decided
that it would be wrong not to respect the witch's cultural traditions. So Gretel and her brother
allowed themselves to be cooked and eaten. The witch was so happy with the children's
actions that she invited all of her witch friends to the area. Soon thereafter, they ate every
child in a hundred mile radius. Soon the whole area was filled with nothing but child eating
witches and all the witches were very happy!

The Moral of the Story: You must respect the culture of others, even at your own expense!

=====

Fisherman and the Fish

An old man finds a fish. The fish says "Let me go, old man. I will reward you for my freedom
by giving you anything you desire". The old man at the behest of his wife makes wish after
wish. Finally, the fish decides the old man and his wife are being too greedy and takes
everything he gave them away. Then the man and his wife hire Johnny Cochran and sue the
federal government for not having federal regulations in place to prevent wishing fish from
unfairly taking away previously given magical spoils. The judge ruled in their favor and they
were both given 500 million dollars worth of taxpayer funds with which they lived happily ever
after.

The Moral of the Story: It's the federal government's responsibility to fix every bad thing that
happens in the world.

=====

The Three Billy-Goats Gruff

The first and second billy goat gruffs were stopped from going across a bridge to get food by
a troll. Then the biggest and baddest billy goat gruff showed up. He told the troll he was going
to kick his @ss. That greatly upset the first and second of the billy goats gruff who accused
the third billy goat gruff of "hegemony" and "imperialism" and said that negotiation was the
way to go. So the third billy goat gruff went away. Unfortunately, the troll refused to negotiate
and first two billy goats gruff starved to death.

The Moral of the Story:It's better to starve to death than to fight!

=====

The Three Little Pigs

There were once three little pigs. The first little pig built his house out of straw. But the big
bad wolf easily knocked it down. Then he ran to the 2nd pig's house which was made out of
sticks. But the wolf came there and knocked it down too. Then both pigs ran to the American
pig's house which was made out brick. When the wolf came there, the American pig pulled
out a gun and blew his stinking head off. Afterwards, both little pigs who lost their houses
started building their houses out of straw again. When the American pig asked them why they
accused the American of being an "arrogant jerk" and of "acting unilaterally". But they
secretly knew the American would always save them, just like he did in WW1 and WW2 so
they could afford not to be prepared.

The Moral of the Story: Even though Americans are helpful, they're real creeps!

=====

The Ants and the Grasshopper

All summer long the ants worked and prepared for the winter while the grasshopper went to
Rage Against the Machine concerts and played Everquest. The grasshopper laughed and
laughed at the ants for working so hard. Then winter came. The ants had plenty of food and
shelter while the grasshopper had none. So the government took the ants tax money and
built the grasshopper a house, gave him welfare cheese to eat, and paid for courses at the
local university that the grasshopper didn't bother to go to. When the ants complained
everyone agreed that they were greedy rich jerks for having more than the grasshopper.

The Moral of the Story: Taking money from people who work hard and giving it to the lazy is
compassionate!

__________________________

DDL

I asked farmer Jones ... Why so wide he
Had made his new tractor. Replied he,
I need a two seat-ah
Because when I meet a
Nice gal, I will want herbicide me

__________________________

"Speak when you are angry--and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret."
--Laurence J. Peter

***

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are
from Venus, Men are Wrong.'"
- Unknown

***

"My fellow astronauts..."
--former Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary
celebration.

______________________________

Rotten News... (true)

January 16, 2003 - Wireless Flash
300-Pound Gang Bang Sets Heavyweight Record

CHATSWORTH, Ca. (Wireless Flash) -- Talk about fat-headed ideas: A Los Angeles
pornographer has just finished filming a gang bang featuring 50 fat slobs weighing more than
300 pounds apiece and a normal-sized gal.

Ron Spallone admits the seven-hour shoot for his upcoming film, "The World's First 300-
Pound Gang Bang," was "disgusting" and the catering bill for the cost more than the actual
production.

However, he's happy that the 43 men and seven ladies who participated in the gargantuan
gang bang all had a good time -- even the three virgins.

But it wasn't easy for Kat Kleevage, the object of the fatties' affection. Spallone says she had
to contort her normal-sized body in strange positions in order to accommodate the
lardbottoms without getting crushed.

It seems to have worked. The gargantuan gang bang is now officially considered a "sexual
world record" and Spallone doubts anyone has the stomach to try and beat it.

*********

Sun City Center man, 85, drives golf cart onto interstate

Associated Press
Posted December 27 2002, 7:46 AM EST

SUN CITY CENTER -- An 85-year-old man became lost while driving his golf cart home from
a doctor's appointment inside a retirement community and wound up on a busy interstate,
sheriff's officials said.

The man drove along Interstate 75 near Tampa for about five miles, his golf cart never
topping 20 mph, officials said. His identity was not released and he was not issued any
tickets, even though driving a golf cart on a roadway is illegal.

``We just did it as a citizen call,'' said Hillsborough County sheriff's deputy Matthew Resch,
who drove the man home.

Paths are built to accommodate golf carts inside the Sun City Center community, which is
located near many major roads.

The man was not injured, officials said.

**********

Swingers Club Shut Because Moaning Too Loud

Dec 18, 10:35 am ET

BERLIN (Reuters) - A swingers club in Berlin has been forced to shut because a court ruled
that members' moans and shrieks of pleasure broke noise regulations.

Partner-swapping customers at the ground-floor club called "Zwielicht" -- a German word
meaning both "twilight" and "dubious" -- upset those living upstairs, a Berlin court ruled this
week.

"There are other clubs and brothels in this area and the customers there don't make so much
noise. They are more discreet," a court spokeswoman said Wednesday.

An additional problem was that Zwielicht offered a limousine service to ferry its members to
and from affiliated clubs.

"Cars came and went, doors were slammed and people talked loudly outside on the street,"
the spokeswoman said.

Berlin actress Anouschka Renzi, who lives above the club, told the court she was tired of
seeing men wearing only bathrobes getting out of limousines on their way into the club.

"This is not a red-light district," she said.