Daily Dose - 030305 - HEAVENLY SEARCH, BIZARRE NEWS, formal invitation, DDL,
Rotten News
HEAVENLY SEARCH
Jesus was at the gates at heaven standing in for St Peter when an old man appeared
struggling up the enormous staircase.
"Can I help you?" Jesus asked.
"I'm looking for somebody", the old man replied.
"We've got an awful lot of people here", said Jesus. "Can you give me some sort of
description?"
"Well", said the old man, "he's got holes in both hands and both feet."
"FATHER!" cried Jesus.
"PINOCCHIO!" cried the old man.
(someone's going to burn for that one....)
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre New Hampshire LAWS
You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern,
restaurant, or cafe.
You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
It is considered an offense to check into a hotel under an assumed name.
Any cattle that crosses state roads must be fitted with a device to gather its feces.
It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
You may not run machinery on Sundays.
On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up.
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What Are The Odds?
BELMONT, Calif. - Everyday, people gamble a small fraction of their hard-earned money on
the lottery in hopes that they will someday strike it rich.
Of course, only an extremely small percentage of people hit it big in their lifetime. But Angelo
Gallina brought new hope to lottery players everywhere by beating the odds and winning two
jackpots... in the same day.
A Stanford University statistics professor calculated the odds of the occurrence: One in
23.575 trillion.
The 78-year-old retiree took the considerably-less payout of $6.6 million from the $17.2
million jackpot by receiving it all at once instead of waiting around for the 26 annual
payments.
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Love Bites (and threatens to kill you)
CINCINNATI, Ohio - When two young people fall madly in love with each other, there exist no
power great enough to keep them apart... not even restraining orders.
Despite having been beat, bit, choked, held hostage and threatened to be killed, exotic
dancer Kelsey McNamara plans on taking her vows someday with the love of her life and her
assailant, Thomas Lester.
But that won't happen legally until Lester gets a divorce from his current wife.
Lester, 22, goes on trial next month for abduction, a charge that carries a maximum sentence
of life in prison.
Isn't young love romantic?
________________________________
My friend's sister was to be married on short notice but still wanted an elaborate wedding.
The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted
cards inviting guests to the reception.
Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note, made 280 copies and enclosed one with
each formal invitation.
Family and friends were surprised to read: "Conception immediately following the ceremony
in the grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn. Everyone is invited."
________________________________
DDL
A young taxidermist from Ada,
Whose wife said he'd often betrayed her,
Was sued for divorce
For mounting a horse,
A moose and a goose and a 'gator.
________________________________
"I'd always wondered what it would be like to live on the sun, until my mother-in-law
suggested that pressing my face against a hot frying pan might give me an idea. Trust me,
you *don't* want to move there."
- Ted Moran
***
"Grocery store clerks make you pick paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers."
--Jay Salinger
***
"According to a new study, children that snore get lower grades...especially if they're snoring
in class."
-Jay Leno
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Rotten news... (true)
Wed, January 8, 2003
Kiwi golfer blames duck droppings for failed putt in qualifying event
AUCKLAND, New Zealand (AP) - A golfer eliminated from a qualifying competition for this
year's New Zealand Open has complained to the PGA that he missed a vital putt because of
duck droppings on the green.
David Hartshorne, a New Zealand professional, was eliminated from a pre-qualifying
competition when he missed a 35-foot putt on the first hole of a three-way playoff.
Hartshorne's request for relief, because there were duck droppings on the line of his putt, was
refused by Phil Aickin, the New Zealand Open director and qualifying tournament referee.
The golfer has written to the New Zealand PGA asking for Aickin's ruling to be overturned
and to be given a place in the final Open qualifying tournament in Auckland beginning
Monday.
Hartshorne argued droppings were a loose impediment which he could have lifted or brushed
aside. Aickin said the droppings had adhered to the green, been baked by the sun and would
not have impeded the track of the ball.
"Fresh dung will sit there a couple of centimetres high, but once somebody stands on it, it
flattens and it gets baked to the green and that was quite simply the situation," said Aickin,
who is a member at the Shandon club at which the tournament was played.
He said Hartshorne had only a one in 20 chance of making the putt from that distance.
Hartshorne said he would take the matter to the Australiasian PGA Tour Board if his
approach to the PGA was turned down.
********
Police confiscate bail money, saying it smells like marijuana
December 28, 2002
(from the State section)
The Associated Press
NORTHAMPTON, Mass. — Police confiscated $50,000 in cash from a Vermont couple who
had come to bail their daughter out of jail, claiming the money smelled like marijuana.
Police said they thought the cash could be the proceeds of drug deals.
Nikita Santor's parents, Arlene and Martin Edward Santor of Wallingford, Vt., brought the
money Dec. 21 to the Hampshire County Jail. Most of the money was in $20 bills wrapped in
rubber bands, according to police.
The officer at the jail detected a "slight odor of marijuana," according to a sworn statement. A
police dog then sniffed the money and confirmed the drug smell, the police affidavit said.
According to police, the Santors told them the money came from their daughter's friends.
Nikita Santor, 27, of Ascutney, Vt., and Michael Lenahan, 36, of Walpole, N.H., were arrested
Dec. 18 on Interstate 91 in Northampton. Santor, who was driving Lenahan's car, was pulled
over for following another car too closely.
Police said the state trooper who pulled her over smelled marijuana in the car and a search
recovered marijuana and $12,000.
Police said they later found other drugs, cash and a handgun in Santor's and Lenahan's
homes.
Both pleaded innocent to possession of marijuana with intent to distribute.
The district attorney's office is seeking to keep the $50,000 brought to bail out Santor, who
remains in jail. A hearing on the matter is scheduled for Jan. 16.
********
Russian man freezes penis to bus shelter
A Russian man had to be rescued after his penis stuck to a frozen bus shelter while he was
urinating.
The young man was on his way home from a bar in the southern city of Stavropol, in
temperatures of -30C.
He stopped to urinate, leaning against the bus shelter for support, but swayed at a crucial
moment and his penis stuck to the frozen metal.
The BBC reports the man was apparently taken by surprise by the cold temperatures, as
Stavropol is normally one of the warmest Russian regions.
A large crowd gathered, shouting advice. Finally passerby Valery Levchenko was able to free
the man using a kettle of warm water borrowed from a chemist.
The man reportedly refused further medical help before running off.
Story filed: 09:28 Friday 10th January 2003