Daily Dose - 030302 - ARKANSAS MEDICINE, IDIOT TEST, DDL, Rotten News
ARKANSAS MEDICINE
An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out
of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in
another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart
out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Arkansas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a
man with no brain out of Arkansas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half
the country is looking for work."
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Turning Tricks and Buying Stocks
SYDNEY, Australia - Success in the stock market is heavily rested upon choosing the right
company to invest in.
In the near future, the public will be able to purchase shares in a company that causes more
that just stock to rise; an Australian whorehouse.
Marketing itself as a "very busy five-star hotel", the Aussie bordello is hoping to become the
world's first listed brothel on the market. The reason for its listing is to pay off debts and
expand to more locations.
As an investor in this particular venture know that the more things go down, the higher the
stock goes up.
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Mom, That's Not Santa In The Chimney!
A 16-year-old boy spent the evening stuck in the chimney of a home located in the San Diego
suburb San Ysidro.
The boy claims he had been stargazing on the roof and fell into the chimney.
Police were called to the scene at 5 a.m. local time and firefighters were forced to break apart
the chimney to get him out.
The boy was arrested along with two of his friends, as authorities suspect them of having
motives other than stargazing.
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IDIOT TEST
20+ CORRECT: ABNORMAL
19 CORRECT: GENIUS
16 CORRECT: ABOVE NORMAL
14 CORRECT: NORMAL
12 CORRECT: SUB NORMAL
10 CORRECT: IDIOT
8 CORRECT: NINCOMPOOP
6 CORRECT: MORON
The above is only true if you have never taken this test before.
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1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar $.50. The woman is the beggar's sister but the beggar is not
the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
8. Two men play 5 games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There
are no ties. Explain:
9. Divide 30 by a half and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have a Southern exposure. A bear
walks by...what color is the bear?
11. If you have three apples and you take away two, how many do you have left?
12. I have two coins totaling $0.55; one is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you walked into a room having only one match, and the room had an oil burner, a
kerosene lamp, and a wood-burning heater, which would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half hour. How long would
the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 die. How many does he have left?
17. How many animals of both sexes did Moses take on to the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5'10". What does he weigh?
19. How many $ .02 stamps are in a dozen?
20. What was the president's name in 1950?
21. A man rides into town on Thursday. He stays in town for three days and leaves on
Thursday. How is this possible?
22. If an egg and a half cost a cent and a half, how much do a dozen eggs cost?
23. A plane crashes on the border of Arkansas and Tennessee. Where would the survivors
be buried?
24. If you have some apples and I have some apples, and I said to you, "You give me one of
your apples and I will have twice as many as you"...and you answered, "No, I don't like that,
you give me one of your apples and that way we will both have the same." How many apples
do we have?
ANSWERS TO THE IDIOT TEST:
1. Yes (every country does!)
2. One a year
3. All of them-12
4. The beggar is the woman's sister
5. You don't bury living people
6. 6 (3 for each team)
7. No; a widow means he's dead!
8. They are playing other people
9. 70
10. White (Polar bear)
11. 3
12. A half dollar and a nickel (one of them is not a nickel!)
13. The match
14. Half way; then he's walking out
15. one hour (one now, second in 30 minutes, and third on the hour)
16. 9
17. None; Noah was on the ark
18. Meat
19. 12 (a dozen is a dozen!)
20. George Bush, same as it is today.
21. His horse is named Thursday.
22. 12¢ (one penny per egg)
23. You don't bury survivors anywhere. (We hope!)
24. I have 7 and you have 5
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DDL
Golf is a game I adore,
If only they didn't keep score.
My drives go acurving,
My putting's disturbing,
And "Fuck!" gives no warning like "Fore!"
________________________________
"If you said 'irony' to Clay, he'd look down at his shirt and think it needed pressing."
--Denis Leary on Andrew Dice Clay
***
"His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons."
--Robin Williams
***
Why, that boy's as sharp as a sack full of wet mice."
--Foghorn Leghorn
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Rotten News... (true)
Rooster Kills Handler During Cockfight
Handler Had Strapped Razor-Sharp Steel Spikes To Rooster's Legs
Posted: 9:56 a.m. EST January 14, 2003
ZAMBOANGA, Philippines -- A cockfight has turned deadly in the Philippines -- for a handler.
Police say a rooster, about to be set loose for a bout in a crowded arena, attacked its handler
with razor-sharp steel spikes strapped to its legs.
The spikes hit the stunned man's thigh and groin, causing him to bleed profusely in front of
the shocked crowd. The man died en route to a hospital.
Cockfighting is a popular gambling sport in the Philippines, especially in rural areas.
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Man drowns after phoning for help from submerged car
GIFU -- A supermarket employee drowned after he accidentally drove his car into a river
while talking on his mobile phone, police said Monday.
Officers from the Kaizu Police Station said that Hideki Yabuno was apparently holding his
mobile phone as he talked, causing him to lose control of the vehicle and end up in the Oe
River in Kaizu, Gifu Prefecture, at about 6 p.m. Sunday evening.
Yabuno told his female friend on the other end of the phone, "I have fallen into a river," before
the phne cut out. The woman immediately alerted police, leading officers to launch a search
of the river.
More than 12 hours later, they found Yabuno, 27, dead inside his car at the bottom of a 2-
meter-deep section of the river Monday morning.
The woman said Yabuno called her again after falling into the river.
"I can't open the window. Help me!" she quoted the supermarket employee as saying. She
didn't hear from him again.
Yabuno was delivering groceries to a customer at the time of the accident. (Mainichi
Shimbun, Jan. 27, 2003)
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Court refuses trial by combat
By David Sapsted
(Filed: 16/12/2002)
A court has rejected a 60-year-old man's attempt to invoke the ancient right to trial by
combat, rather than pay a £25 fine for a minor motoring offence.
Leon Humphreys remained adamant yesterday that his right to fight a champion nominated
by the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA) was still valid under European human
rights legislation. He said it would have been a "reasonable" way to settle the matter.
Magistrates sitting at Bury St Edmunds on Friday had disagreed and instead of accepting his
offer to take on a clerk from Swansea with "samurai swords, Ghurka knives or heavy
hammers", fined him £200 with £100 costs.
Humphreys, an unemployed mechanic, was taken to court after refusing to pay the original
£25 fixed penalty for failing to notify the DVLA that his Suzuki motorcycle was off the road.
After entering a not guilty plea, he threw down his unconventional challenge. Humphreys,
from Bury St Edmunds, said: "I was willing to fight a champion put up by the DVLA, but it
would have been a fight to the death."