Daily Dose - 030301 - FRENCH VERSUS GERMANS, BIZARRE NEWS, videotape, DDL,
Rotten News

FRENCH VERSUS GERMANS

THE FRENCH

Racial Characteristics: Sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells
like people's feet. They take filthy pictures of each other with cheap cameras, wash nothing
but their asses, fight with their feet, and perform sex acts with their faces. Utter cowards who
force their own children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to
them in their own wimpy language.

Good Points: Invented the blow job

THE GERMANS

Racial Characteristics: Piggish-looking, sadomasochistic automatons whose only known
forms of relaxation are swilling watery beer from vast tubs and singing the idiotically repetitive
verses of their porcine folk tune-both of which amusements probably hark back to a
prehuman state. Germans have never been successfully Christianized. Their language lacks
any semblance of civilized speech. Their usual diet consists almost wholly of old cabbage
and sections of animal intestines filled with blood and gore. Once every two or three decades,
they set forth, lemming-like, on pointless military adventures during which great numbers of
them are slaughtered-much to the improvement Of the world in general. Their lardy women
have long, tangled masses of sticky hair under their arms, and the men shave the sides of
their heads.

Good Points: Killed a lot of French

__________________________

BIZARRE NEWS.....

Burlap Burglar Gets Bagged

BERLIN, Germany - It can be quite difficult to rob a bank, as well as performing many other
tasks, without being able to see.

The criminal who is now deemed "Germany's dumbest criminal" walked into a bank armed
with a plastic knife and a toy pistol. The kicker was the burlap bag he put over his dead to
disguise himself.

Seeing as how the plan probably wouldn't have worked in the first place, the attempted
robber forgot to put holes in the bag for him to see.

After bumping into bank customers on his way to the teller, he lifted up the front of his mask
to look at the teller and demand money.

The security camera got a clear shot of his face and he was soon arrested. It's no surprise
that the man didn't see this coming in his plans.

**********

Father Shackles Daughter

SANTA FE - Ronnie Eugene Robbins, 33, said he shackled his daughter's ankles because a
judge threatened him and his wife with arrest if they failed to prevent the girl's chronic
runaway and truancy problems. He is now facing criminal charges of injury to a child and
endangering a child.

The man was reported to police after a witness reported seeing the girl in ankle chains at a
local convenience store with her father.

According to Robbins, this was only the second time his daughter, Heaven Robbins, had
actually been restrained by the shackles. He also said his daughter chose ankle chains over
having her wrist tethered to his wrist with a nylon strap.

**********

Bizarre Death FACTS

Being struck by lightening and killed is statistically most likely to occur while in the state of
Florida.

Before discovering malaria is passed to humans through mosquitos people believed it came
from bad air.

For centuries the fear of beng buried alive was so prevelant that in Europe there was a group
called The Society for the Prevention of Premature Burial.

In ancient Rome a person could be executed for singing rude songs.

The Chinese Heredity Jar is a traditional earthen container carried in funeral processions.
One of its uses is to be used in a children's competition in which each child tries to stuff the
most food for the deceased into the jar.

Chicago mobster Al "Scarface" Capone died of complicatons from syphilis.

**********

Seven-Year-Olds Get Sloppy

LOS ANGELES - Most kids like to celebrate birthdays at fun-filled places like bowling alleys,
arcades and other youth-friendly environments.

Not Michael Wont-Sasso. For his seventh birthday, Sasso decided to throw a huge party for
him and his friends at the local landfill.

His passionate interest in garbage trucks and recycling gave him the urge to celebrate the
day of his birth on a pile of rotting waste.

Michael and 40 of his friends had a blast as they scurried across mounds of dirt and pushed
around a wide variety of toy dump trucks and bulldozers.

Michael's parents looked on proudly as Michael and his friends got completely trashed.

************

Dog Leads Owner To The Pound

Twenty-one-year-old Stephen Wilson's dog, Roxy, was hardly his best friend. In fact, Roxy
turned out to be his worst enemy.

Wilson decided to break into a home while walking Roxy, and when the owners arrived he
fled the scene, leaving the canine behind.

Police arrived and found the dog still at the crime scene. They put a leash on Roxy and she
led them right to Wilson's home 200 yards down the road.

He was arrested and sentenced to 21 months in prison.

Burglary victim Derek Lewis was quoted saying, "He should have left the dog at home - it
wasn't his best friend that night."

_________________________________

This guy goes to Amsterdam to videotape a presentation. While staying in his hotel he finds
an awesome porn channel on the TV, but, alas, he has no VCR or way to record it. With a
flash of inspiration, he sets up his video camera, points it at the TV, and tapes a few hours of
hard core video.

On arriving home, he tells his best friend about the trip. The conversation gets around to the
porn tape and the man lends his friend the tape.

A couple of days later, the friend returns the tape. "Did, ahh, did you watch your tape?"

"No. I was watching the original. Wasn't any need to see the tape."

"Well, uhh, before you lend it out again, maybe you should watch it," the friend advises.

The guy did as he was advised. And never lent out the tape again.

You see, the fella had forgotten to take into account the *reflective* nature of a television
screen . . .

____________________________

DDL

Here's to it, and through it, and to it again,
To suck it, and screw it, and screw it again!
So in with it, out with it,
Lord work his will with it!
Never a day we don't do it again.

_____________________________

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost
$7.00 in dog money."
--Joe Weinstein

***

"Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug."
-Jon Lithgow

***

"Oh, I can't drink these days. I'm allergic to alcohol and narcotics. If I use them I break out in
handcuffs."
--Actor and reformed addict ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

____________________________

Rotten News... (true)

Cops shut down underground radio station

June 11 2002 at 08:38PM

Istanbul - Saying he was a threat to public order, police dug up a Turkish radio DJ who was
broadcasting live from a grave.

Entombed in an aerated metal box, Yasar Naci Kurtcu was planning a 24-hour special
broadcast live from the grave on Sunday on local Izmir station Radio Hit.

But police halted the broadcast after nine hours, saying his programme represented an illegal
demonstration, was a threat to his life and could disrupt public order.

"I was getting fed up anyway," Kurtcu said after he resurfaced.

He was buried about a metre underground, with metal tubes connected to the surface
providing air.

"I'm free of the cares of this world," he told listeners. But Kurtcu, 40, later said the experience
had forced him to reassess his life.

"I kept thinking, 'Thank God I'm only here as a joke'.

"I'd better be ready when it happens for real." - Sapa-AP

********

Chinese try surgery to lift careers
By AFP

SHANGHAI, Tuesday: Chinese desperate to improve their English to boost their career
prospects were turning to unnecessary operations on their tongues, a doctor said today.

Would-be patients in eastern Shanghai had sought out surgeons to loosen their fraenum, the
flap of tissue underneath the tongue, in the mistaken belief it was the only thing hampering
their English pronunciation, he said.

"We have had several cases here over the past month, all patients speaking Chinese
perfectly," Renai Hospital plastic surgeon Chu Jian said.

"They asked whether we could operate on their fraenum so that they can speak pure
English."

While a misformed fraenum could sometimes hamper speech, all the patients had normal
tongues and their requests were refused, Dr Chu said.

One case was a 15-year-old Chinese girl who would be educated in English later this year.

Because she had difficulty pronouncing the letter "r", her mother resorted to medicine.

*********

Sunday, 27 October, 2002, 15:09 GMT
Eminem impersonator causes panic

The reveller was dressed as US rap star Eminem

A chainsaw wielding Eminem impersonator caused panic when he decided to make a
dramatic entrance to a fancy dress party -
but got the wrong address.

Police were alerted after a terrified Lincoln resident answered the door to the reveller - who
was brandishing the roaring
power tool and wearing ski goggles and salopettes.

Officers arrived at the address in Atwater Close, Lincoln, at 2130 BST on Saturday to find
that the man had gone.

They discovered he been intent on making a memorable entrance to the soiree and had
skulked off into the night after
realising his mistake.

A Lincolnshire Police spokesman said: "The poor occupant was clearly frightened out of his
skin. The guy turned up at the
door with the chainsaw running and must have looked terrifying. Luckily he had simply gone
to the wrong door."

"It must have been rather embarrassing for him."