Daily Dose - 030223 - Steps to Heaven, BIZARRE NEWS, Old Age Joke, Where Are You
From, DDL, Rotten News

On The Steps to Heaven

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the
stairway to Heaven was 1,000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke.
He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to
enter Heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter Heaven.

The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter
Heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde's turn. Step 5's joke had no impact, she didn't even crack a smile.
The same with step 10's, step 15's, and 20's, all the way up to step 750. On step 755 she
grinned a little, but quickly got under control. All was well until she got to the 999th step. All
of a sudden she started laughing, uncontrollably.

"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't even tell a joke."

"I know, I know," the blonde replied. "But I just got that first joke!"

_____________________________

BIZARRE NEWS.....

Bizarre Useless FACTS

White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees).

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest
itself.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents
that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in
battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received
in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added
until 5 years later.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

********

Try This One On The Boss

TOKYO, Japan - Some people will come up with any excuse when they are late for work.
Common alibis include fake illnesses, deaths in the family and car trouble.

However, one Japanese businessman landed himself in a big mess when he told police he
was abducted by armed robbers when he was late for an important business meeting.

The 29-year-old man overslept in his hotel and, instead of rushing to the hotel where the
meeting was, he hopped a one-hour cab ride and made up a story of his abduction by two
armed men. His cry for help sent 90 officers on a massive organized manhunt.

Police plan to press charges against the man for wasting their time with the hoax.

*********

From Plastic Bowls To Large Dildos

NORWAY - Many women in the country of Norway are making Tupperware parties look
about as old fashioned as the phonograph.

These days, women are gathering in each other's households to pass around and chat about
different sex toys, contraceptives and lubricants.

The Condomery is a company fully run by women and stocks more than an inventive range of
sex-related products. At the moment, the 65 consultants employed by the company have
their hands full with a waiting list of women who are eager for a visit from the sex gadget
supplier.

The founders of the Condomery feel their venture might give women an edge in the male-
dominated sex industry.

There is no word on whether or not demonstrations are given.

**********

The Dangers of Technology

A one-year-old boy swallowed a radio transponder from his mother's car keys but she
managed to start her vehicle by sitting him on the steering wheel, the British Broadcasting
Corp. reports.

The idea came from a patrol officer after little Oscar Webster ate the critical component,
which must be close to the steering column when the driver starts the car or nothing
happens.

The BBC reports the tiny part - the size of an aspirin -- managed to make contact with the
car's immobilizer even though it was passing through the tot's stomach at the time.

The transponder naturally re-emerged later and Oscar suffered no harm.

________________________________

Old Age Joke

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor
enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and
a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?" "What did he say?
What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

______________________________

Where Are You From?

A blonde man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit
down at the other end of the bar and order a drink. The blonde guy calls the bartender over
and says "whatever she's drinking, give her another one and tell her it's on me."

The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."

"What do you mean?" yells the blonde guy, "Send her the drink!"

"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."

"And why not?" asks the blonde guy.

The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."

"I don't care, send her the drink." says the blonde guy.

So after the lady gets her drink the blonde guy very casually strolls down to the other end of
the bar and sits down next to her and says, "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"

_______________________________

DDL

Said a diffident lady named Drood
the first time she saw a man nude,
"I'm glad I'm the sex
that's concave not convex
for I don't fancy things that protrude."

_______________________________

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but once the casts come off man, you better watch
your back."
--Unknown

***

"It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one."
--Phil White

***

I asked my psychiatrist if she thought I was crazy, she said "no", so I let her up.

___________________________

Rotten News... (true)

Serial soy sauce squirter in court
October 23, 2002

A MAN has been fined and ordered to pay compensation for repeatedly squirting soy sauce
at another man in a Brisbane shopping mall.

Adam Jonathon Meyer, 32, pleaded guilty today to assaulting Brisbane real estate valuer
Gordon Price on the escalators at Post Office Square Food Court on June 12 this year.

Brisbane's Magistrates Court heard Mr Gordon had just bought lunch and was returning to
work at 1.15pm ahead of Meyer on the escalator when he was squirted in the back of the
trousers.

The court was told Mr Gordon reported feeling slight pressure and wetness on the back of his
legs before turning around to find Meyer aiming the sachet of sauce at him.

The part-time City Bank customer service officer dropped the sachet and pulled out a second
sachet which he also dropped to the ground when the men reached the top and Mr Gordon
threatened to call the police.

*********

Police Hunt Hallucinogenic Toad Thief

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Dutch police are investigating whether drug addicts raided a pet
shop and stole three exotic toads whose warty skin can induce hallucinations when licked.

The animals were snatched from a pet shop near a drug addicts' center in the city of
Leeuwarden in the northeast of the Netherlands on Wednesday.

"There has been quite a bit of trouble with junkies and there is a drugs crisis center near the
shop, so it is quite possible, naturally we are looking in that direction too," police spokesman
Harry Oenema told Reuters.

"They are an exotic kind of toad that secrete a substance. If you lick them you may get a
hallucination, comparable with a trip on LSD," he added.

The fist-sized brown cane toads, from the bufo marinus species, are originally from South
America and secrete a toxin from glands on their necks and backs as a defense against
predators. They have been introduced in Australia to combat a plague of greyback beetles.

Licking the toads can cause side effects like swelling of the tongue and temporary muscle
paralysis, according to the pet shop owner.

12/06/02 10:10

*********

State Prison Officials Warn Inmates Against Eating Pigeons
Administration Learns Prisoners May Be Catching, Consuming Birds
Posted: 6:19 a.m. EST June 12, 2002

MICHIGAN CITY, Ind.-- A stool pigeon has tipped prison officials that some inmates' culinary
tastes are rather fowl.

Officials at Indiana State Prison are warning inmates not to eat pigeons after the
administration learned offenders may be eating the birds.

The administration received word that a few offenders may be eating pigeons, acting
Superintendent Herb Newkirk said.

As a precautionary measure, the administration issued an advisory to the offender
population, using the prison's closed-circuit television station.

One inmate, Fred Brooks, alleged the prison has cut back on the amount of food served,
tempting inmates to eat the birds.

Newkirk disputed Brooks' charge of nutritional inadequacy, while encouraging inmates to stop
squabbling.

Barry Nothstine, public information officer for the 1,860-inmate maximum security prison, said
that although prison officials have received reports that prisoners are eating pigeons, no
prison official has witnessed inmates consuming the birds.