Daily Dose - 030222 - CYANIDE ORDER, BIZARRE NEWS, highway eatery, absent-minded,
DDL, Rotten News
CYANIDE ORDER
This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide.
The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.
He answered, "I want to kill my wife."
"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such
circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide."
The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist blushes
and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS
Bizarre Food FACTS
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the
bottom.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Potato crisps were invented by a Mr. Crumm.
Chinese eggs that are sold as delicacies in Singapore are often 100 years old.
The same concoction used to give Salt & Vinegar chips their "bite" is also used to create
reusable liquid hand warmers via a dramatic chemical reaction releasing a lot of heat.
A can of Spam is opened every 4 seconds.
As the cheese ripens, gas bubbles are formed by the chemical reaction. As the bubbles
break, the holes are left in the cheese, which gives Swiss Cheese its characteristic look.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie!
*********
Road Kill Restitution
ACTON, Maine - A woman in Maine is upset after not being paid for the road kill she created.
After Lisa Pierce's car struck and killed a moose, she felt it was within her legal right to claim
monetary restitution for the meat that was given away by police after the incident.
According to Pierce, "I want to be compensated for the meat." A butchered or dressed
moose, which can't be bought or sold anywhere in Maine, can produce hundreds of pounds
of food.
Police say she will not be given a cash payment for her slaughter, but instead will be given
the next moose struck in York County.
So today's lesson is, make sure you have yourself a tractor ready the next time you plow
through a helpless forest creature to pick that carcass up for eatin'. Don't let anyone deny you
the right to your road kill.
**********
Love Me To Death... I'll Pay You
BERLIN, Germany - Many people would hop on the chance to be able to decide how they
die. A German playboy has decided how he will meet his maker, and is offering a $125,000
reward to the woman who can kill him during sex.
According to Berlin property tycoon Rolf Eden, "My real desire is to die on a lady, while
making love."
A lawyer has possession of his will which clearly states the details of who will retain the
$125,000 after his death. Besides the contestants possessing certain physical qualities, the
only stipulation lies in the fact that his death must be from sex and not from poison or a knife
during the encounters.
The 72-year-old will be flying in women from all over the world to give them a shot at helping
him leave this world with a smile on his face.
***********
Sperm Smugglers
WILLIAMSPORT, Penn. - A New York mobster landed himself in more trouble while serving
his stint in prison. Kevin Granato is one of five organized crime men indicted on charges of
criminal conspiracy for smuggling their sperm out of a Pennsylvania prison.
Authorities became suspicious of the activity after Granato was seen in the visitation room
showing off a toddler he called his child, even though he had been in prison for the previous
ten years.
Granato's wife Regina has been charged with providing a prohibited object to an inmate: A
cryogenic sperm kit. Authorities will do their best to make sure no more illegal DNA leaves
the prison.
********
Fast Wheels, Drunk Chicks and Naked Dudes
DELAWARE - A woman was idly driving her car down the road when she spotted a naked
man clinging to the roof of a passing Volkswagen Jetta.
The swerving car was crossing left to right across the median and ended up crammed into a
concrete barrier. In an attempt to stop his intoxicated wife, Lori Ann, from hijacking his car
from his driveway, Michael Becker ran outside in his birthday suit and hung onto its side
before climbing up to the top.
After the car crashed, the "extremely cold" husband pushed his wife back into the vehicle,
held her down and punctured her thigh 17 times with a small tool dangling from the rearview
mirror. Both were arrested.
Lori Ann received several charges against her, including attempted homicide.
_______________________________
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a highway eatery.
It contained dark flecks of seasoning floating in it, but two of the spots looked very suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup - aren't they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live around here."
_______________________________
One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university his wife told her absent-
minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon
it will be empty."
Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled
to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?"
He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here
today, little girl?"
"Yes," she replied.
"Would you know which way it went?"
She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."
_______________________________
DDL
A young corporate banker named Beatty
Once had an affair with a lady.
It wouldn't have been
Such a sin, had she been
A couple of years under eighty.
________________________________
"I have a dog that's half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip."
--Craig Shoemaker
***
"I just bought a microwave fireplace...You can spend a whole evening in front of it in only
eight minutes."
-Steven Wright
***
"No matter how much money you make, you always need an extra $40 a week. I think it was
Einstein who first said: 'Expense equals salary plus forty bucks.'"
--Jeffrey Jena
_____________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Woman, 85, foils New Ken robber with her cane
Tuesday, September 17, 2002
Associated Press
An 85-year-old woman, angered that a would-be robber was scaring a cashier, beat the man
with her cane and foiled the robbery, New Kensington police said.
"That poor child was frightened, and I wasn't going to let that happen," police said the woman
told them.
She would not give her name and refused medical treatment, though she was knocked to the
ground by the fleeing robber, police said.
"She turned out to be a hero, but she adamantly refused to give her name," Sgt. Bob Laporte
said.
Witnesses said a man grabbed the cashier by the wrists at a Family Dollar store in New
Kensington yesterday afternoon and threatened to cut her with a metal can opener.
The cashier tried to escape from the man, who attempted to open the cash register with the
can opener while holding her, police said.
The elderly woman then beat the man in the head with her metal cane and he fled, knocking
her down. The woman "had some choice words for him while she was sitting on the floor,"
Laporte said.
*********
Rats Jump, Climb, Lift In Unique Olympic Games
Annual Event Rewards Rats For Tasks
Posted: 9:23 a.m. EST December 6, 2002
Several rats in Nebraska were winners of Olympic medals in an unique competition that
features the animals lifting weights and even long-distance jumping against each other.
The 28th annual Rat Olympics was held at Nebraska Wesleyan University in Lincoln.
Psychology students teach rats how to walk tight ropes, life weights and climb ropes, among
other things.
The events are part of a class experiment where the students teach the rats positive
reinforcement methods.
The animals are rewarded for their tasks.
"First we have to train them to learn what they are going to be eating for food," student Erick
Hjermstad said. "A lot of it is positive reinforcement, giving them a lot of food, training them
when to eat and that really gets them going,"
Winners from the competition received gold, silver and bronze medals.
*********
Woman lops off nosy husband's ear
November 16 2002 at 08:41PM
An Iranian man who gave his martial arts enthusiast wife an ear-bending over her tardy
homecoming was given a brutal response when she lopped off his ear with a knife, reports
said on Saturday.
"My wife is a judo enthusiast and loves to go out into the streets and beat up young men. All
the boys in our neighbourhood are afraid of her," her husband was quoted as saying by the
Entekhab newspaper.
"One night she came home late and I angrily asked her to explain the reason why she was
out late.
"She suddenly took out a knife from her pocket and cut off one of my ears," added the victim,
whose name was not given.
The paper said the woman, who it only identified by her local nickname of "Zahra
commando", was now facing charges in a Tehran court. - Sapa-AFP