Daily Dose - 030219 - childhood sweethearts, BIZARRE NEWS, decapitated coffee, brief
speech, DDL, Rotten News

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old
neighborhood and are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the
street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and
where he had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There,
she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it
back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their
attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money
and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that
fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from
the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

________________________________

BIZARRE NEWS.....

Bizarre December HOLIDAYS

December 1 is.... National Pie Day and Eat A Red Apple Day
December 2 is.... National Fritters Day
December 3 is.... National Roof-Over-Your-Head Day
December 4 is.... Wear Brown Shoes Day
December 5 is.... National Sacher Torte Day
December 6 is.... National Gazpacho Day and Mitten Tree Day
December 7 is.... National Cotton Candy Day

*********

"I've got a book and I'm not afraid to use it!"

You'd expect airport security to react if you were carrying a box cutter or a sack of mysterious
powder, the Philadelphia City Paper says, but one man was detained at Philly International
because of a book he was carrying.

Neil Godfrey, 22, of Phoenix was told at the United Airlines ticket counter he had been
selected for a random baggage search. The paper says that, as he passed through the metal
detector, an airport security guard frowned at Godfrey's reading selections as they
disappeared through the conveyor belt.

On the cover of one book, "Hayduke Lives!" by Edward Abbey, was an illustration of a man's
hand holding several sticks of dynamite. The 1991 novel is about a radical environmentalist
who blows up bridges and sabotages projects he believes are destroying the Southwest
landscape.

After going through hours of questioning by police and even the National Guard, with more
than a dozen people looking at that book -- and his Harry Potter book -- and taking notes,
Godfrey ultimately was told he would not be able to fly on United Airlines.

**********

The Plot Thickens

LONDON - Sid Hibbit, 54, booked his burial plot in a county churchyard in 1989 in hopes of
being laid to rest next to a woman who took care of him when he was young. But while he
was attending a funeral a few weeks ago he noticed the grave had been taken.

There is no headstone on the grave. Church officials said they have no records of anyone
being buried there.

Police said they planned on investigating.

Hibbitt said he still hopes to be buried there but, "If anything sinister has been going on I'm
not going in there."

**********

His Final Countdown

BERLIN, Germany - Many children have aspire to one day venture into outer space, but only
a select few are ultimately given the opportunity.

After waiting a lifetime to blast off into space, Heinz Mueller will finally launch into orbit this
January, though perhaps not under the circumstances he would have imagined as a child.

Mueller's ashes will be sent up in a Russian rocket as his dying wish to his wife Urte. The
widow has paid an American company almost $11,000 to arrange for her husband's ashes to
be taken into orbit.

His remains will circle the earth for about five to six years before dispersing and
disintegrating. It promises to be a final farewell that is out of this world.

********

Cheating Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

TURIN, Italy - Dr. Lucielle Ostertag from the Italian Institute of Social Sciences has conducted
a study that found extramarital affairs to be healthy for marriages.

According to the scientific study, the more extramarital flings a couple enjoys, the more likely
they are to remain together and the happier they will be.

Ostertag has created guidelines for those who want to try cheating as a way of strengthening
their marriage. The steps include the Long Distance Rule: any time you are out of your own
area code it doesn't count as cheating, don't ask/don't tell, live guilt-free and don't keep in
touch with the people you cheat with. She also notes that out of state affairs are best
because you are less likely to be caught.

_______________________________

I was having lunch with my nine-year-old son, when the waitress came by to ask if we wanted
a drink. "I'll have a decapitated coffee," my son said in all seriousness. The waitress smiled
and poured him a cup.

Not to be outdone, she later returned with the coffeepot a few minutes later and said, "Can I
put a head on that for you?"

___________________________

The best illustration of the value of brief speech was given by Mark Twain.

His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the
heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars... after ten minutes more of the
sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars...after a
half hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars.

At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he stole two dollars.

___________________________

DDL

As a kid when we rode on the bus
Deep questions we'd often discuss:
"Would it come off divine,
Or just blow out her spine,
If Superman did it with Lois?"

____________________________

The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President.

All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"

-- Will Rogers

**********

When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow.
Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus.

**********

A teenage boy to his father... "Here's my report card and a list I've compiled of entrepreneurs
who never finished high school."
--Charles Almon in The Wall Street Journal

_______________________

Rotten News.... (true)

April 10, 2001

Involuntary Coprophagy: Not Just for Breakfast Anymore

New York's deli and sandwich shop patrons are still reeling after the discovery that their lunch
items had been sprinkled with feces and urine by a serial coprophiliac, instead of disgruntled
staff members for once.

Marco "Johnny Fecalseed" Arellano was arrested at the Golden Apple Gourmet Deli, after
employees witnessed him in the back of the store pouring bottled sewage into food trays.
Arellano has been charged with reckless endangerment, criminal mischief, criminal
tampering, and public urination.

Police sources believe Arellano is also responsible for feculent flavorings all over Midtown,
including Mike's Take-Away Deli in Grand Central Station, Krispy Kreme, Zaro's Bakery, and
Caruso's Pizza in Penn Station. All of whom receive this free advertising to offset their
shame.

Rotten staff wonders if Arellano, as a nonviolent offender, will be eligible to work on the
kitchen staff during his incarceration.

(New York Post)

********

Customer fails to see the toilet humour
Thu Nov 14,12:50 PM ET

STOCKHOLM (Reuters) - A customer in an international hamburger chain outlet in western
Sweden lost his appetite when he
discovered the restaurant's toilet seats were being washed in its dishwasher alongside the
kitchen utensils.

The man noticed on a visit to the bathroom in the restaurant in Arvika, Sweden, that all the
toilet seats had been removed.

When he asked staff about the missing seats, an employee took them out of a dishwasher
where they had been cleaned together
with trays and kitchen utensils, the Swedish TT news agency reported on Thursday, quoting
the regional newspaper Nya
Wermlands-Tidningen.

The employee tried to reassure the customer by saying that the freshly washed toilet seat
would be warm and pleasant to sit
on.

A senior representative of the restaurant chain said the incident was a mistake and not
standard company procedure. Arvika's
environmental and health inspector later visited the restaurant.

*********

Thursday, October 31, 2002
Businessman jailed for 'fantasy' robbery

By CP

PRINCE ALBERT, Sask. -- A businessman has been sentenced to a year in jail for staging a
sexual fantasy in which he hired
someone to rob his store and tie him up naked with an unsuspecting woman.

"To say that this is bizarre and unique is an understatement," said Justice Gerald Allbright in
sentencing Rosaire Roy.

Last fall, Roy, 55, discussed his fantasy with Tracy Bannab, who gave police statements that
were referred to extensively in
court Tuesday. Bannab told police she arrived at the store as planned on Oct. 19, 2001, and
carried out what she thought was
a mock robbery.

The victim, who had no idea Roy had planned the robbery, managed to free herself and Roy.
Police soon discovered the truth
and charged him.

Crown prosecutor John Syrnick said Bannab was not charged because she did not know the
38-year-old woman was not in on the
act.

Following the jail term, Roy will be on probation for 12 months.