Daily Dose - 030216 - HAMMERED BLONDES, THIS is TRUE, IF YOU'RE HAPPY, DDL,
Rotten News

HAMMERED BLONDES

These two blondes went out for a night on the town, drank way too much and got just totally
hammered. At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut through a cow pasture
after being unable to find a ride home.

Once they started walking through this pasture they became lost. So they split up to try and
find the road home. One of the blondes doubled back only to stumble upon the other blonde,
flat on her back, sucking on and playing with a cow's udder.

Her friend screamed, "What are you doing?!"

The other blonde replied, "Shut up! With all these guys here, someone will drive us home!!"

_____________________________

THIS is TRUE....

REALLY DUMB: While sitting in a Utah jail awaiting sentencing after his conviction for
manufacturing drugs, Kent Coulson wrote a letter to U.S. District Judge David Sam. "Hey
Baby, how is my little thing?" he wrote. "Can you believe my father plays golf with Sam, the
crusty old judge...? Ha! Not only that, but the old [expletive] lives up here and the church
people who come every Sunday morning happen to know him. So it all looks good for me.
Ha! Ha! ... I have to write a suck-up letter to the Honorable [expletive] and it should all be
great for me. Your big guy, Kent." Coulson apparently put the "suck-up" letter meant for the
judge in the envelope to his girlfriend. Since he sent the letter meant for his girlfriend to the
judge, it was entered as an official court document. Coulson's attorney tried to convince the
judge that another inmate wrote the letter as a practical joke. (Salt Lake Tribune)
...What, he thinks judges are stupid?

*******

STUPID: A woman at a Rolling Stones concert in Detroit, Mich., recognized someone in the
audience -- District Judge Thomas Gilbert of Traverse City -- and reported him to authorities
because of what he was doing there. "She was concerned about it because she saw a judge
smoking a joint," said Chief District Judge Michael Haley. Gilbert admitted to the act. "He's full
of shame and regret" and is on "indefinite voluntary leave" from the bench, Haley says.
(Traverse City Record-Eagle)
...So much for his aspirations to the High Court.

*******

MORE STUPID: Two 15-year-old boys were arrested on vandalism charges in Grand Island,
Neb., after they allegedly drove a pickup truck through the yards of multiple houses. It didn't
take Hall County Sheriff's Department too long to crack the case. "The truck had the name of
the business on the side," a department spokesman said. "It makes it a little easier to solve
the crime when they do that." The truck, and business, is owned by one of the suspect's
fathers, and the boys targeted the houses of schoolmates, which made it easy for the victims
to remember the name on the truck. Because of the extent of damage they caused, the boys
may face felony charges. They also caused $3,000 in damage to the truck. (Grand Island
Independent)
...Which is what happens when schools teach kids how to pass standardized tests, rather
than how to think.

*******

WROTE THE BOOK ON STUPID: Police in Lantana, Fla., have arrested James F. Welles,
61, after he allegedly made a date over the Internet to have sex with a 15-year-old girl -- who
was actually a 40-year-old Lantana Police Department detective. "We can't be lovey-dovey in
public," police say Welles explained online, because "Bottom line, I'm committing a crime."
Welles is the author of the books "The Story of Stupidity" and "Understanding Stupidity". In
the books Welles explains that "the arrogance inherent in [our] 'We can do anything' attitude
came to characterize the general stupidity of our age and contributed to the monumental
problems we have created for ourselves." (Palm Beach Post)
...Ya think?

*******

MELTING POT: "Miss America Contestant Quits after Confessing to Being Canadian"
-- PA headline

________________________________

IF YOU'RE HAPPY

[To the tune of: "If You're Happy And You Know It
Clap Your Hands"]

If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.

If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.

Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections;
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is showing),
Bomb Iraq.

So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying no would look like treason.
It's the Hussein hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

______________________________

DDL

I once knew a girl called Sue
Who once got stuck to the loo.
It was such a funny sight
To see her in such a plight,
As I had smothered the seat with glue.

_______________________________

A man tells his drinking buddy, "Our sex life has really improved since the wife and I got
separate beds."

"How's that possible Frank?" his friend asked.

"Well, we have them in different apartments." Frank replied.

________________________________

Physical fitness is in. I recently had a physical fit myself.
-- Steve Allen

________________________________

I tried Flintstones vitamins. I didn't feel any better but I could stop the car with my feet.
-- Joan St. Onge

________________________________

Rotten News....

May 21, 2001
Rampaging Cantaloupes Murder 1, Injure 30

Cantaloupes! Sure, they might seem cool but did you know the cantaloupe ("Nature's Thug")
can harm or even kill you?

The California Department of Health Services is hot on the trail of killer cantaloupes from
Mexico. These cowardly fruits are responsible for the cold-blooded murder of a nursing home
resident in California. Illnesses caused by the diseased cantaloupe have been reported as far
away as New York City.

Citizens beware! Lock your doors! Shoot first, ask questions later.

(Los Angeles Times)

*********

Inmates In Oregon Use Toilets To Communicate

Prisoners Shout Messages After Clogging Toilets, Filling Pipes With Air
Posted: 11:15 a.m. EDT September 9, 2002

MEDFORD, Ore. -- It's called toilet talk. And jailers say it's disgusting and destructive.

Some inmates in Medford, Ore., are using toilets to communicate by clogging them, which
fills the pipes with air, said Jim Warren, Jackson County (Ore.) jail commander. With the
pipes filled with air, inmates can shout messages to one another.

Deputies say some of the toilet talk is even male and female prisoners singing to one
another. Warren calls the practice disgusting and says stuffing toilets allows raw sewage to
flow onto the floor.

*********

Man's Excuse For Wreck: Tired From Making Fake Checks
Suspect Also Admits Doing Cocaine

POSTED: 10:29 a.m. EDT August 28, 2002

JIM THORPE, Pa. -- It wasn't exactly the best excuse he could have given.

A Pennsylvania man told a judge that he dozed off at the wheel and crashed into a school
bus, causing serious injuries, because he'd been up late the night before making counterfeit
checks. He also fessed-up to not having a driver's license and to doing a little cocaine.

Charles Digiglio's been sentenced to two to four years for the accident and will be doing a
concurrent sentence for his part in a $500,000 check scam.

He can use part of his jail time figuring out how to pay insurance companies about $230,000
in restitution.