Daily Dose - 030215 - SMART DOG, THIS is TRUE, learning how to drive, DDL, Rotten
News

SMART DOG

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there
are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says,
"Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he
goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it---where did you get
that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want,you can get one from
him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The
breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes
later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my
money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to
look for ducks, it came back with a stick in it's mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks
out there than you can shake a stick at.

______________________________

THIS is TRUE....

PUERILE PURSUIT: A policeman arriving at a minor traffic accident in Fitchburg, Mass., was
surprised when one of the drivers involved allegedly punched the other driver in the nose,
then sped off after trying to run the officer down and smashing his patrol car. He chased after
the man in his damaged cruiser. When finally stopped, Anthony J. Bernier, 24, of Rhode
Island told officers he "wanted to try and outrun the cops like on the TV shows. I have a new
car and those cruisers are old. I figured I could outrun them." Hewas charged with assault
and battery with a dangerous weapon (the car), failure to stop for a police officer, driving to
endanger, leaving the scene of an accident, and assault and battery on the other motorist.
(Worcester Telegram & Gazette)
...The sad part: he'll spend his entire prison term watching TV.

********

PREPOSTEROUS PURSUIT: Witnesses in Green Bay, Wisc., reported an apparently drunk
man backed into another car in a bar's parking lot and then drove away. Officers quickly
caught up with the suspect -- he was only going 20 miles per hour -- but he refused to pull
over. The low-speed chase ended at the county jail, where the man parked in the lot, had a
cigarette, then submitted to arrest. Robert Younger, 22, told the arresting officers he was "f---
ed up and I knew I was going to jail, so I drove myself out here." (Green Bay Press-Gazette)
...Somehow it's not a surprise that he knew the way.

********

TRICKED: Colorado Governor Bill Owens is running for re-election against Democrat Rollie
Heath. On Halloween, Heath enjoyed giving candy bars to trick-or-treaters -- Heath bars, of
course. Over at the Governor's Mansion in Denver, Owens' wife was also handing out candy
bars. Heath bars. "It looks like both the governor and Rollie agree that Heath is the best,"
Heath's gleeful spokesman said. (Denver Rocky Mountain News)
...The headline: "Governor's Wife Gives Out Heaths, But Governor Gets Snickers".

********

PRETTY IN PINK: Upset volunteers at a breast cancer awareness event at the Market Place
Shopping Centre in Burgess Hill, Sussex, England, called police to report that someone had
stolen a bra from their display. Security cameras showed a local youth had swiped it, and
officers went to his house to confront him. As PC Jon Lelliott approached his open door, "I
was amazed to see the youth stripped to the waist and parading round in this pink bra, having
a laugh with his mates," he says. The teen-aged boy "had his back to the door where I was
standing but, most embarrassingly, all his mates could see me. He was speechless when he
turned round to see us there. I could barely keep a straight face." The officer let him off with a
warning. (Brighton Evening Argus)
...Maybe, but his mates won't.

********

DESPERATELY TRYING TO FIND THE BRIGHT SIDE OF E. COLI: "Your Chance to Spend
More Time in Public Toilets"
-- Reuters headline

______________________________

Ad found among the miscellaneous listing in the Stanwood/Camano, Washington, News:

"Caution, homeowners between Warm Beach and Stanwood. Daughter will be learning how
to drive. Use caution after leaving garage or porch. Farmers advised to place hay bales
around barns, farm equipment and slow-moving livestock. She will be driving white sedan
with frightened father aboard."

_______________________________

DDL

there once was a woman from wooster
that dreamt that a man had seduced her
when she awoke
it was only a joke
a bedspring came loose and had goosed her

______________________________

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive
man."

I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"

-- Judy Tenuta

_______________________________

**BEEP**

You have reached the Breast Cancer Self-Examination Hotline.

Press one to continue.

(pause)

Now, press the other one.

**BEEP**

________________________________

"She wanted me to rent that 'Scent of a Woman' movie, but I couldn't find it.

"So I just brought home 'A Fish Called Wanda.'"

________________________________

Rotten News... (true)

TINY PENIS MAN FREED Oct 18 2002

A MALE nurse has been cleared of a sex attack after admitting his penis is just one inch long.

John Webb, 49, said he had not had sex for years because he was embarrassed by his
"micro-penis".

The male alleged victim of two indecent assaults had said Webb's manhood was small, but
estimated it was up to four inches long.

Webb, of Pontypridd, south Wales, was cleared of the two charges after a jury at Cardiff
Crown Court was shown pictures of him naked.

He said: "I am too embarrassed to show myself to another person."

********

Marble found in M&M's
(Wednesday, October 16, 2002

A marble instead of a peanut in your M&M's? It's not only untasty, it's downright dangerous.

That was what Glenda Cooper of Granbury decided when she found that her three-pound
bag of M&M's candy contained a chocolate-covered cobalt blue glass marble instead of a
peanut.

She called the 800 number on the package to complain and was told that M&M's quality
control would need to see the foreign object in the candy. The company is sending her an
envelope to return the marble.

"I have seven grandchildren," she said. "If one of them had bitten into this, they probably
would have just swallowed it. They could have choked on it."

*********

Sri Lankan widower breastfeeds his babies

October 30 2002 at 10:38PM

Colombo - A 38-year-old Sri Lankan man, whose wife had died three months ago, appears to
have the ability to breastfeed his two infant daughters, doctors said on Wednesday.

The man, from the central town of Walapone, lost his wife during childbirth.

"My eldest daughter refused to be fed with powdered milk liquid in the feeding bottle.

"I was so moved one evening and to stop her crying I offered my breast. I then realised that I
was capable of breastfeeding her," the man admitted.

Dr Kamal Jayasinghe, deputy director of a Sri Lankan government hospital, was quoted as
saying it was possible for men to produce milk if the prolactine hormone became hyperactive.
- Sapa-AFP