Daily Dose - 030209 - OLD FIGHTER PILOT, THIS is TRUE, MICROSOFT GRAFFITI, DDL,
Rotten News

THE OLD FIGHTER PILOT

There was this crusty old fighter pilot who found himself at a local liberal arts college gala.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic women in attendance, one of whom
approached the soldier for conversation.

"Excuse me sir,but you seem such a serious man. Are you always this way or is something
bothering you?"

"Nope. Just serious by nature ma'am' he replied.

She looked at his medals, "It looks like you've seen a lot of action."

"Yes I have," was the man's short reply.

The young woman, tiring of her attempt at conversation, said "You know, you should lighten
up a little and have some fun! For example, when was the last time you had sex?"

The old pilot said "1955."

"Oh, my! No sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

Glancing at his watch, the pilot said,"Oh I think it's fine and dandy. It's only 2130 now!"

_______________________________

THIS is TRUE....

YANKEE HONESTY III: Dennis Cleary, a representative in the Connecticut General
Assembly, is running for his seventh term, but he's running without the support of his own
family. Relatives have taken out a newspaper ad noting "We are tired of Dennis ... Are you?"
Family spokesman Jude Cleary says his brother is a "corrupt" and "self- serving" politician
who has "lost touch with his own family, let alone the people of the district." Cleary has
dismissed the family squabble as a mere "sibling rivalry", but his sister says their mother isn't
voting for him either. Jude is urging people to vote for Dennis' opponent, even though he
doesn't know anything about him. "I think just about anybody would have to have more
integrity than my brother," he says. (AP)
...If "being tired" of politicians disqualified them, they'd all be out of a job.

******

SAFETY FIRST: Police in Ontario, Canada, are on a campaign to ensure motorists wear their
seatbelts. They stopped a car in Mississauga after seeing a child unrestrained in the back.
The officer found the child couldn't be belted in because the seatbelt was already in use -- to
secure a case of beer. "It was like this guy cared more for his precious beer bottles getting
smashed than he did for his son going through the windshield," an officer said. (Mississauga
News)
...Correct.

******

THERE SHE IS: Officials at a Wisconsin "beauty contest" have discovered some of the
leading contestants have had boob jobs. "What they're trying to do is make both rear quarters
absolutely equal, both 36 double-D," says Elmo Wendorf. Uh... rear quarters? Yes, says
Wendorf, a dairy farmer competing at the World Dairy Expo -- the contestants are dairy cows.
Isobutane gas "foamies" are sometimes injected into their udders in the quest for a blue
ribbon. But veterinarian Robert O'Brien of the University of Wisconsin-Madison has
developed a way to detect the bovine falsies using ultrasound equipment. O'Brien has been
hired by other dairy associations to show them how to detect the cheating, too. "We think we
could clean up the Miss America contest with the same technology," he says. (Milwaukee
Journal Sentinel)
...Now you know why the girls refer to the pageant as a "cattle call".

******

DING DONG: A man in Atwater Close, Lincoln, England, spotted a man coming up his front
walk wearing ski goggles and coveralls carrying a running chainsaw. Fearing for his life, he
turned and ran to the phone to call the police. Officers raced to his aid and found the man
had gone next door -- to a Halloween costume party, where he was dressed as "hell-raising
rap star Eminem". He said he was attempting a "dramatic entrance" but "had simply gone to
the wrong door," a police spokesman said. "It must have been rather embarrassing for him."
(PA)
...Is that more or less embarrassing than the guy next door who peed in his pants?

******

UNFAIR ADVANTAGE: "Bank Robbed by Own Security Guard"
-- Reuters headline

_____________________________

MICROSOFT GRAFFITI

Favorite Graffiti scrawled on the bathroom walls at Microsoft:

~*~ Bill Gates Downloads Here

~*~ Do Not Flush Mouse Pads Down The Toilet

~*~ To Flush, Press Handle. You Do Not Need To Hold Control, Alt, And Delete At The
Same Time.

~*~ For a good time, e-mail SUZIE@ohmygod/Im/about/tohave/an.org

~*~ MICROSOFT: Where Do You Want To Go Today? ... in the crapper!

~*~ Ray has a 3 1/2 inch floppy! Carl still plays with his Wang! Yeah, well you both still
program in DOS - Fred Byte Me! - Ray & Carl

~*~ Bill Gates tossed his cookies here

~*~ Why can't Bill Gates get a date? Because he is MICROSOFT

~*~ Microsoft Speelchecker Rules!

~*~ Your mother is so fat, it takes 25 minutes to download a naked picture of her

~*~ THE BASIC PROGRAM:
10: Enter
20: Lower Pants
30: Try Real Hard
40: If Nothing, Then goto 30
50: If something, Them goto 60
60: Wipe Butt
70: Exit

~*~ IBM UBM, at Microsoft we all BM

~*~ JESUS SAVES! BUT WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN BETTER IF HE WOULD HAVE
INVESTED in Microsoft?

__________________________

DDL

Floating idly one day in the air,
A circus performer named Blair,
Tied a sizable rock
To the end of his cock,
And shattered a balcony chair.

__________________________

"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who
are dumber."
--Plato (427-347 B.C.)

***

"Plato was a bore."
--Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

***

"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal."
-Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)

____________________________

Rotten News... (true)

'Saddam says' book paves way to good life

[Baghdad, December 12] - Libya's Muammar Gaddafi has his Green Book. China's Mao Tse-
tung had his Little Red Book. And Iraq's President Saddam Hussein also has a collection of
homilies about snakes and secrets.

Saddam's white, pocket-sized pamphlet is filled with words of wisdom such as:

- Don't be attracted to easy paths because the paths that make your feet bleed are the only
way to get ahead in life;

- Keep your eyes on your enemy and be faster than him;

- Don't let he who thinks you despise him get close to you;

- If you rule, rule in a fair way, and don't let your heart take part in the ruling or let a criminal
who cannot be rehabilitated escape punishment;

- Don't treat your friend and your enemy equally even if you reconcile with the second. That
way your enemy doesn't scorn you and your friend doesn't look down on the meaning of
friendship and its rights;

- Keep people's secrets and don't tell them to others or use them against them;

- When you make a decision, don't regret it and when you discover a mistake don't hesitate to
fix it; and Don't do all that you are able to but only what is considered right, legitimate and
based on the principles you hold.

Earlier this year the Iraqi information ministry brought out Saddam Hussein: Great Lessons,
Commandments to Strugglers, The Patient And Holy Warriors. Most Iraqis were already
familiar with the free pamphlet's contents, 57 quotations drawn from speeches made by
Saddam.

Selections from the 57 commandments have been painted on school walls, carved on
statues, printed in Iraqi newspapers, splashed across billboards, placed on the walls in
government offices and printed in Iraqi newspapers - all of which are controlled by the state,
Saddam's Baath party or his son.

Sabih Fakher, an information ministry official who helped compile the pamphlet, said the
commandments are "very important lessons to the people of Iraq in the shadow of the
continuous aggression and the unjust siege".

Such praise for Saddam is common in Iraq - where criticism of him can bring jail or worse.

If Saddam is seeking advice as the standoff intensifies, he might turn to page 11 of his
pamphlet: "Don't provoke a snake unless you have the intention and power to cut off its
head."

[Sapa-AP]

*************

Posted on Wed, Dec. 04, 2002

Orchestra had a very wet Spring
Peter Dobrin and David Patrick Stearns
Inquirer Music Critics

Fire sprinkler systems in Verizon Hall went off yesterday morning at a Philadelphia Orchestra
rehearsal, sending musicians - including incoming music director Christoph Eschenbach - for
cover, and ruining a $75,000 Steinway grand piano.

The orchestra was playing Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring when water began pouring down,
soaking the stage, balconies and seats in the front portion of the main hall in the Kimmel
Center for the Performing Arts.

Musicians sheltered their instruments and ran off stage, some drenched and others merely
sprinkled, while Eschenbach emerged surprisingly dry.

"It was like a natural phenomenon," the maestro said. "It was The Rite of the Sprinkler."

Musicians, including Eschenbach, immediately began bailing water out the body of Verizon's
soaked Steinway, one of two 9-foot grands in residence at the 2,500-seat hall. Their efforts
may have been futile.

"It's shot, this piano's ruined" said piano technician Greg Sikora, dabbing the instrument's
strings and wood. "It will need to be rebuilt or replaced."

**************

The Churchill you didn't know

Thousands voted him the greatest Briton - but did they know about his views on Gandhi,
gassing and Jews...

Thursday November 28, 2002
The Guardian

I will not pretend that, if I had to choose between communism and nazism, I would choose
communism.
Speaking in the House of Commons, autumn 1937

I do not understand the squeamishness about the use of gas. I am strongly in favour of using
poisonous gas against uncivilised tribes.
Writing as president of the Air Council, 1919

It is alarming and nauseating to see Mr Gandhi, a seditious Middle Temple lawyer, now
posing as a fakir of a type well known in the east, striding half naked up the steps of the
viceregal palace, while he is still organising and conducting a campaign of civil disobedience,
to parlay on equal terms with the representative of the Emperor-King.
Commenting on Gandhi's meeting with the Viceroy of India, 1931

(India is) a godless land of snobs and bores.
In a letter to his mother, 1896

I do not admit... that a great wrong has been done to the Red Indians of America, or the black
people of Australia... by the fact that a stronger race, a higher grade race... has come in and
taken its place.
Churchill to Palestine Royal Commission, 1937

(We must rally against) a poisoned Russia, an infected Russia of armed hordes not only
smiting with bayonet and cannon, but accompanied and preceded by swarms of typhus-
bearing vermin.
Quoted in the Boston Review, April/May 2001

"The choice was clearly open: crush them with vain and unstinted force, or try to give them
what they want. These were the only alternatives and most people were unprepared for
either. Here indeed was the Irish spectre - horrid and inexorcisable.
Writing in The World Crisis and the Aftermath, 1923-31

The unnatural and increasingly rapid growth of the feeble-minded and insane classes,
coupled as it is with a steady restriction among all the thrifty, energetic and superior stocks,
constitutes a national and race danger which it is impossible to exaggerate... I feel that the
source from which the stream of madness is fed should be cut off and sealed up before
another year has passed.
Churchill to Asquith, 1910

One may dislike Hitler's system and yet admire his patriotic achievement. If our country were
defeated, I hope we should find a champion as admirable to restore our courage and lead us
back to our place among the nations."
From his Great Contemporaries, 1937

You are callous people who want to wreck Europe - you do not care about the future of
Europe, you have only your own miserable interests in mind.
Addressing the London Polish government at a British Embassy meeting, October 1944

So far as Britain and Russia were concerned, how would it do for you to have 90% of
Romania, for us to have 90% of the say in Greece, and go 50/50 about Yugoslavia?
Addressing Stalin in Moscow, October 1944

This movement among the Jews is not new. From the days of Spartacus-Weishaupt to those
of Karl Marx, and down to Trotsky (Russia), Bela Kun (Hungary), Rosa Luxembourg
(Germany), and Emma Goldman (United States)... this worldwide conspiracy for the
overthrow of civilisation and for the reconstitution of society on the basis of arrested
development, of envious malevolence, and impossible equality, has been steadily growing. It
has been the mainspring of every subversive movement during the 19th century; and now at
last this band of extraordinary personalities from the underworld of the great cities of Europe
and America have gripped the Russian people by the hair of their heads and have become
practically the undisputed masters of that enormous empire."
Writing on 'Zionism versus Bolshevism' in the Illustrated Sunday Herald, February 1920

Research by Amy Iggulden