Daily Dose - 030205 - Sonia's Collection

Today's entries ahve been passed along by Sonia, in Kuwait...

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.
With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make
arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a
body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as
$15,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally
decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body
back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much
considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was
buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that
chance."

______________________________

AboulAbed passes by a beautiful young lady who was stranded on the road with a flat tire.
The perfect gentleman he is known to be, AboulAbed immediately stops his car and offers
the lady his services.

While changing her tire, AboulAbed learns that the lady works at the Scientific Academy for
the Study of Human Genitals.

AboulAbed curiously asks the lady what their studies have revealed that people don't know
already. She tells him, to his surprise, that the tallest penises are those of Italians, and the
largest in diameter size are those of Iranians.

The lady thanks AboulAbed after he had fixed her tire, and asks him for his name ...

His answer was: Antonio Rafsanjani!

______________________________

Lady who visited dentist, lifts her skirt and sits down on the dentist's chair.

Dentist: I am not a Gynecologist.

Lady: I know. I just want you to remove my husband's tooth.

______________________________

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind: "u take one more step,
a brick will fall down on your head and kill you".

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went
on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "-Stop
Stand still- If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die".

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely
missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel", the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

_______________________________

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their
small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are
obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter, Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money.

Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your
child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come
on, Dick, let's go."

________________________________

Read this geography of woman variation of an old theme:

Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran.
Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile
deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with
cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place
to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq.
She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada.
Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps
people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Pakistan.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

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Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen." This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to
Punjab Airways.

We apologize for the four day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I
had put in at the bakery.

This is flight 126 to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up
somewhere in the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!

Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high
that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure I announce that starting this
year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. (I presume that the other
50% were the terrorists themselves!!!)

For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airways staff have all the requisite experience
for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Stewardesses Bubbly and Goldie will be happy to brief you
on our out-of-court settlement policies.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off !
To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and
biscuits !

For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really
is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it
from the television.But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Air India, where their
movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early
warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

Life jacket are positioned under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available to
the aunties and swimming shorts to the uncles, for emergency jumps!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If,
however, we go a little too close do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies
right through the landmark !

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belt. For
those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat.
And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a flight
attendant for your suitcase.

Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding.
But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cockpit.

Thank you for choosing Punjab Airways. HAVE A NICE JOURNEY.

________________________________

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and
loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy
Treats' are for cats?"