Daily Dose - 030204 - Collection from John (formerly from Qatar)

Time for some more jokes from John (formerly from Qatar)....

A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your
cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.

"You dirty git!" shouts the barmaid. "Get out before I get my husband!"

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and
asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all
off," he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert! You're barred. Get out!!" she storms. Again, the bloke apologizes and
swears never ever to do it again.

"O.K., one more chance' says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then
drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband,
who's sitting quietly watching the TV.

"What's the matter, love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,"
she says.

"I'll kill him! Where is he?" rages the husband.

Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off," she
yells.

"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, standing up and reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink
it all," she screams.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the television back
on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look, love. I'm sorry, but I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness."

____________________________

If you've seen the notice floating around the internet about "staying out of malls" due to the
potential of terrorist activity... read the following:

Don't go to the bathroom on October 28th. CIA intelligence reports that a major plot is
planned for that day. Anyone who takes a shit on the 28th will be bitten on the ass by an
alligator. Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise up into
unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when they are doing their dirty business.

I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information from a reliable source. It came
from a friend of a friend whose cousin is dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose
wife knows this lady whose husband buys hotdogs from this guy who knows a shoeshine guy
who shines the shoes of a mailroom worker who has a friend who's drug dealer sells drugs to
another mailroom worker who works in the CIA building. He apparently overheard two guys
talking in the bathroom about alligators and came to the conclusion that we are going to be
attacked. So it must be true.

____________________________

Dumb and Dumber

1 - When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long
Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered
down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

2 - Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness
when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife:
'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.'

3 - The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little
hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting
negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and
lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

4 - Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally
somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the
grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the
nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.

5 - An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as
he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was
devoured by piranha fish.

6 - A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a
pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passerby in Kuala
Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The passerby was treated at a local hospital for a
sprained neck.

7 - In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his
fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.

8 - A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in
Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he
shot her dead.

9 - One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing.

10 - After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20
mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered
everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The
deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

11 - In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-
degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E Richardson. According to local police,
Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no
revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not
realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.

12 - Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the
grounds that it is bad for their health. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will
instead be permitted to chew stick of celery.

13 - An American teenager was in hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds
received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told
the police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train
before he was hit.

14 - Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for
possession of alcohol - after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.

15 - Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government which has banned kite-flying,
TV watching and wearing white socks Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent
citizens. Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal,
saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was 'a public insult,' as it was a blind imitation of
Westerners.

16.- A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to
determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2
seconds to say "Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red
with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never
compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and
silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out
the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star
appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and
help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant.

________________________________

The Creation

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the
beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that
it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach.
God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and
yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning
came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and
prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was
the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth Day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and
eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning
came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy,
surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw
that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and
it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest. So God created
Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. Evening came
and it was the end of the Seventh day.

God sighed, looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans
and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes and Sheilas, smelled the aroma of grilled chops
and sizzling prawns, and God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was
bloody good.

IT WAS AUSTRALIA

____________________________

A married couple are driving along a motorway doing 60 MPH, the husband behind the
wheel.

His wife suddenly looks over at him and says, " Honey, I know we've been married for twenty
years, but I want a divorce"

The husband says nothing but slowly increases his speed to 70 MPH. She then says, "I
don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best
friend, and he's a lot better at sexthan you."

Again the husband stays quiet but speeds up more as his anger increases. "I want the
house," she insists, pushing her luck.

Again the husband speeds up, now to 80 MPH. She says "I want the car too!" but he just
keeps driving faster and faster. By now he's up to 90 MPH.

"And I want the bank accounts and all the credit cards"

The husband starts to veer towards the central reservation. This makes her a little nervous so
she asks nervously , "Isn't there anything you want dear?"

The husband replies, "No, I've got everything I need darling" " Oh really," she says, "So what
have you got?"

Just before they smash into the central reservation at 100 MPH, the husband smiles and
says "The f***** airbag!